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Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience:  Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
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Me and my husband just watched the movie my daughter gave it

Customer Question

me and my husband just watched the movie my daughter gave it to us today to watch, because we are going through a bad time at this moment in our marraige it was a good movie just hope we learn by it , and I can get the feelings and be able to get the trust back in him
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 5 years ago.
What move did you watch? Were you working with an expert here on JustAnswer previously or is this your first post?
Please help with additional information.
Thank you.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
we watched the movie fireproof , and no we weren't working with anyone on this, and yes this is my first post.
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 5 years ago.
Thank you for the additional information. I am not familiar with the movie you watched. It sounds like your husband is struggling with looking at pornography on line, is that right? I am also guessing that you are feeling betrayed and your trust in him has been impacted. From what you have given me so far I can only guess at these things. Can you send me more details about what is going on and what assistance you are looking for?
Some helpful items would be?
How long have you been married?
How old are you and your husband?
What are your beliefs about marriage?
Who do you have in your life that you lean on for support in times of trouble?
How old are your children?
Where did your daughter get the movie she gave you?
What is it about?
What did you learn from it?
Thank you.
Mark Manley
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi Mark, this is Anthony, her husband.
Yes, I know I have a problem: I sometimes watch porn on the internet when my wife is not home, the last few weeks (since I'm layed off from work) it got really bad, almost every day and found a site where I became friends with women and made nice remarks on their pics, even told some I wanted to meet them. She busted me last friday and of course got very mad, hurt and frustrated. I know now she has lost all trust in me and her whole world, the beautiful life we had together, fell down. She thought she met the man of her life 10 years ago but now I'm just like her ex'es.
I always tell her I love her and she's beautiful but now after all that she don't believe anymore. And besides this, I don't even know why I did it. I know she can't give me everything I want, I have to accept that. On the day she caught me, I was thinking I lost everything too, the good life we had together but then I really knew I didn't want to give up, I begged her for another chance. At this moment we're trying to work it out but she can't give me promises and if I promise her I won't look at porn and stuff like that, she's not gonna believe me which I understand. My biggest question is will I ever get her trust in me back.
We've been married for 8 years now, my wife is 55 and I'm 54 years old. I believe marriage is a promise to your spouse you'll stay together for the rest of your life, in good and bad times. So now we're having a hard time, I want to work it out.
I don't have that many people I can talk to, my brothers and sister are in Netherlands, and also my best friend is but we still talk on the internet and on the phone about once a week (do you think I should tell him?). My wife already told some of her friends and her daughter about me being bad. Her daughter is 28, and she has 2 more, aged 36 and 27, 3 grandkids are living with us, ages 5, 7 and 9.
The movie we watched yesterday is about a married couple growing apart from eachother and he also watched porn on the internet and she's becoming friends with some other man. He tries to save his marriage with the help from his father and his book, love dare book which tells you what to do step by step, day by day on things to help better your relationship. It's very hard on him but after 43 days he succeeds. I suggest you to watch this movie too, I watched it a second time with all the comments on the movie and all. Her daughter bought the movie after seeing a preview on tv. We learned it's probably gonna take a long time and work from day to day and don't give up so fast.
My wife is very open to me, don't keep nothing secret. I tried to hide my lust for other women, I knew I would hurt her if she would find out. She told me one day she would find out if I ever cheated on her...TRUE
Hope you can help us.
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 5 years ago.
Thanks for the additional information I will be back to you later today.
Mark Manley and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 5 years ago.
I am glad that you guys saw a story about a couple who works through a very difficult situation. Many couples have worked from a situation like the one you describe where trust is demolished eventually getting to a place of trust again.
For your wife:
It is so hard not to personalize his behavior. When you personalize his behavior you believe that if you were prettier or sexier or whatever then he wouldn't have done what he did. He did what he did because he didn't control his sexual drives. A male can love a woman and find her very attractive and still want more sexual gratification. The male needs to discipline his sexual drive and keep it with in the bounds of the exclusive relationship he has committed to. Become as attractive as you can for your man but don't personalize his misbehavior. Make him earn you trust back by demonstrating to you that he is trustworthy.
For Anthony:
You have a hard job in front of you (learning to discipline your sexual lusts). It is great that you want to change and become some one your wife can trust. We live in a world where a lot of men don't see any need to discipline themselves so you may feel like the odd man out sometimes when you pursue this goal. If you believe in a higher power in some way, you may want to make this process a spiritual journey. Many men have found that a power beyond their own is very helpful if not essential to managing lustful urges. What ever form it takes getting some outside help will probably prove very helpful. So I recommended you seek assistance from a counselor, religious leader or a mentor. You can win your self respect and her trust back. Let me know if I can do anything for you.
Mark Manley