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I am still having so much trouble dealing with this affair.

Customer Question
I have decided to confront...
I am still having so much trouble dealing with this affair. I have decided to confront my husband next week because I know that he still love me! What can I expect when I show up at his house?
Submitted: 5 years ago.Category: Mental Health
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Answered in 10 minutes by:
12/19/2011
Mental Health Professional: Suzanne, Mental Health Professional replied 5 years ago
Suzanne
Suzanne, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: LCSW, RN. Mental Health, Relationship & Parenting issues.EMDR, Hypnosis.
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Are you absolutely sure that woman isn't living there with him?

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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
he is very good at hiding his personal life from his work life since he is a CEO!
Mental Health Professional: Suzanne, Mental Health Professional replied 5 years ago

I think you will face a lot of defensiveness and bluster when you show up at his house.

Try to get him to take a ride in the car, or to go for a walk with you. Confrontations with men go better side by side than face to face. Ask a lot of questions. Try your hardest not to speak poorly of the other woman--it will put him in a position to have to defend her.

What you need to know is what needs (other than sex) she's been meeting for him. Tell him you know he wants to be an honorable man.

Have you considered showing up ready to move in with him? Telling him that you realize that spending a year apart was a bad idea, and you're ready to put the relationship and him first again? Chances of him giving up the comfort of that woman without something to take its place are slim, and you'll never have a moment's peace if you leave, always wondering if she's with him again. I know you have a commitment to care your grandchild, but if you really want your marriage back, they may need to make other arrangements.

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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
He has been e-mailing me "saying he NEVER would have told me if he hadn't been forced to by our daughter" and when he called me and it didn't go well he sent me an e-mail saying he was so so sorry. Then I guess LUZ found out so communication stopped. I shouldn't go in expecting that we will just fall into each other's arms? and yes...I plan to move in if I can save my marriage.
Mental Health Professional: Suzanne, Mental Health Professional replied 5 years ago

I am always a proponent of preparing for the worst, but hoping for the best.

Prepare yourself for defensiveness, but if there's some way you can soften yourself toward him, and come from a place of "how can we fix this' rather than "how could you do this to me" you'll have a better chance of ending up in each other's arms.

Yes, you deserve to be angry and hurt, but this is an instance where the choice is between being right and being happy. Try not to shame him, and he'll be more likely to admit his mistakes. Men who feel ashamed tend to go into either fight or flight. He already regrets hurting you, obviously.

If you can come to him with tenderness, he'll be caught off guard-as he's expecting a fight, since the phone call didn't go well. Focus on your future together and how to make it meet both your needs. Don't keep the memory of the woman alive by bringing her up. Treat the topic of her as an incident, one not needing much discussion.

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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
I have posted some things on topix about her...and just lately him...will my explantion that I was just trying to "pop the private affair" bubble ... bringing it into reality...going to work?
Mental Health Professional: Suzanne, Mental Health Professional replied 5 years ago

Is there a way to un-post? If so, I'd advise it.

I think you're going to end up having to apologize for this at some point. Rather than say you were trying to pop the bubble, just admit that you were hurt and angry. You've struck out at him publicly in a way that may affect his professional standing in the community.

Hopefully, not many people know about the site--I'm online a lot and had never heard of it until now.

I know that your emotions are all over the place, up and down. That's normal in these situations. But posting on the internet is hard to undo. You might want to get a therapist for awhile to vent to, to prevent you from doing something impulsively out of hurt & anger that you'll regret later.

The problem is, it's almost impossible to lash out and get back together at the same time. So anything you can do to help yourself stay focused on the prize--being in a healthy relationship with your husband again--is worth doing now.

Suzanne
Suzanne, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: LCSW, RN. Mental Health, Relationship & Parenting issues.EMDR, Hypnosis.
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago

Suzanne this is a follow-up...after our on-line session I called my husband to ask if I could come see him next week and his answer was "NO." He said his lawyer said to "have no contact." I asked him if he had been talking to a lawyer and he told me he had filed for divorce on December 8. He could not believe that I hadn't been "served" He couldn't believe that I was still posting on the topix site...said they are using it as discovery...said that he and his lawyer thought I was going through something "mental" from the things I was posting. I did get served that very day December 19 with my Granddaughter standing beside me.

He told me that Luz didn't want anything to do with him...he told me that he was so tired of lieing, cheating and sneaking around. I felt relief to know that they weren't together but in the end I lost my PRIZE...my 'til death do us part"...happily ever after marriage.

I don't know if you can send me a copy of our conversations? I tried to print them but was unable to do so. I would like my attorney to know that I was seeking help.

Sheila XXXXXXXXXXXX, XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Mental Health Professional: Suzanne, Mental Health Professional replied 5 years ago

Sorry for the delay in response--I'm visiting family for the holidays.

You must have been stunned to find he'd filed for divorce. I'm so sorry this had to happen right at the holidays.

I don't have a way of sending you copies, and we're not allowed to correspond with people anywhere but here on this site. And since this is an advice site, not therapy, it probably won't help, and might hurt. There's got to be a way to print them from your computer, at least the emails that are sent when there's an answer posted, if you really think you'll need them.

I'd suggest you find a local therapist to support you through this divorce, and who will be able to testify on your behalf, if needed.

Again, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. May the next chapter in your life be a happier one!

Suzanne
Suzanne, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: LCSW, RN. Mental Health, Relationship & Parenting issues.EMDR, Hypnosis.
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Suzanne
Suzanne, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 919
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