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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5823
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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We have been married for 5 years now and my husband has 2 (6

Resolved Question:

we have been married for 5 years now and my husband has 2 (6 year old boys from his past relationship. my problems is he constantly talks to his ex-wife 3 to 5 times everyday for not less than an hours on general topics that have nothing to do about children, we have pick up children everyday from school and sometimes stay with them overnight when she  works overnight.  We used to stay some 1 hr away from them and my husband would sometimes stay at their place because he says he missed the late train. to solve that we move to a place that is 3 minutes away.  however, when he goes to drop and pic the children, he does not get back home early regardless of the 3 minutes walk.  It takes him hours sometimes up to 2:00 p.m at night to get back home.  How do I deal with this behaviour. I have challenged him on his behaviour several times but he says he needs to help with children and even if they are divorced they remain good friends.  Also this woman comes home and they would chat several hours before she leaves.and he says its all about his children.  We do not have children together.   I am so emotionally stressed.  I dont know what to do. I need some advise and guidance.  We also live with his 22 year old son from a different relationship. Non of them are helping out in the home, including him except when I start complaining, then he would help for that week or so.  We once talked to a marriage counselor, about these problems but there is little or no change.  he says he cannot do anything about his ex-wife as they are raising children together.  How can I save my marriage and what can i do to change both behaviours?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like your husband is still involved with his ex. No one needs that much time to discuss issues about children. He is using his children to make excuses for his behavior. He has not let go of this relationship and continues to keep it going by visiting frequently and staying.

If your husband will not pay attention to how you feel about his relationship with his ex, then he has no intention of changing. You can try asking him to attend therapy with you to work this issue out. To find a therapist, ask your doctor for a referral. Or search on line at

If he will not go, you should go yourself. You need the support right now to decide how to respond to your husband's behavior.

You also may want to consider a trial separation. This would give you time to see how you feel about continuing the relationship. It would also let you see if he is taking your marriage seriously or if it continues to be one sided like it is now. Sometimes, trial separations help spur the other person into paying attention to the issues of the marriage. Here are some resources to help you:

Should I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage by Lee Raffel

Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved by Lundy Bancroft and JAC Patrissi

If your husband and son will not share in helping you around the house and you have tried talking to them about it, then you may need to stop doing their work. Allow them to do their own clothes, make their own dinner and clean certain areas of the house themselves. When they run out of clothes or go hungry, they may rethink the situation.

I hope this has helped you,

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