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Ask Suzanne Your Own Question
Suzanne, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  LCSW, RN. Mental Health, Relationship & Parenting issues.EMDR, Hypnosis.
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I've been married 16 years. Sex has not always been high on

Resolved Question:

I've been married 16 years. Sex has not always been high on my list and it seems to be getting lower. My husband could have sex everyday he says, but for me once a week is fine. I started a new career that is very demanding & it seems to be turning that once a week into every two weeks. My husband has had it and says he feels like crap, that he's tired of getting rejected when he approches me for sex and he's not sure if there is any point in try. I can tell he has been down& I know why, but when I approach him for sex he says it's too late and he thinks I'm just throwing him a bone. We have 2 kids & full time jobs. We moved 2 years ago to a new state & have no family around to take the kids for a night. I see why%2
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Suzanne replied 5 years ago.

Thanks for bringing your question to JustAnswer.

In every relationship, there is a high need (for sex) and a low need partner. The low need person controls the amount of sex between the two of them, which leads to resentment by the high need partner.

The challenge is to make the sex more emotionally and physically satisfying--which will tend to make the low-need person more interested more often, and will be more satisfying to the high-need person (who may then lower his needs for frequency).

Some of the best books on this topic are:

1. How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. This book has the very best explanation of the difference in needs between men and women I've ever found.

2. Dr. David Schnarch has several excellent books about increasing the intimacy in a couple's sex life. Intimacy and Desire and Passionate Marriage:

If the sex provided a more intimate experience, you'd be more likely to look forward to it, and he may be satisfied with less than every day frequency. Don't downplay the importance of sex to a male's happiness in a relationship--women need to connect to have sex, but men need sex to connect. It would be well worth it to get a paid sitter once a week so that the two of you don't end up living like roommates. The best gift you can give your kids is parents who are connected and happy together.
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