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Ask Suzanne Your Own Question
Suzanne, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  LCSW, RN. Mental Health, Relationship & Parenting issues.EMDR, Hypnosis.
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My husband holds a secret very deep inside of him. He has

Resolved Question:

My husband holds a secret very deep inside of him. He has never told his first wife that has past away or his daughter that he was adopted. I think it bothers him very much! I only know that he was because my step father is his cousin. We have known each other since we were children. He has never told me but has made some indications that he was 3 or 4 times. How can I get him to talk abut it? Thank you so much
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Suzanne replied 5 years ago.

Thanks for bringing your question to JustAnswer.

Is there some effect from keeping this secret that is having a negative influence on his life? Why do you want him to talk about it?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I think that there is an effect and please advise me if I am over thinking this but his sister was also adopted and would like to be open about it and she can not because he will not admit to it and I think she has a hard time dealing with it. I also think his relationship with his daughter is being effected because he hold on to her so tightly and is so afraid of losing her. She will be 30 yrs old next month. My husband asked me for a 6 month seperation and I moved back to my home town and she moved in. My sister in law and I both think that he emables her because he needs her so bad. I think because that is the only thing that he has left as far as family besides his sister and my step father. Our first Christmas together he was so very sad and cried so many nights because she told him that she would not spend Christmas with us and was going to spend it with her mothers family because that is what she had done her whole life. So now he will not spend holidays with me. He has to go and stay there for days at the cabin of his first wifes family. He bought her a new car and pays her insurance and cell phone bill and she also has a credit card that he pays for. What do you think?

Expert:  Suzanne replied 5 years ago.

I can see why you think his history of being adopted is affecting how he interacts with others. I'm not sure that a problem of this magnitude will be affected by getting him to talk to family about it. If he would ever consider seeing a therapist, then it would benefit him to talk.

It sounds like he is going very much overboard in proving to his daughter that he loves her. Of course, by buying her things, he's enabling her to become irresponsible for her own finances.

This is one of those situations that if you approached him about seeing a therapist, he would probably deny needing it and become angry as well. If anyone is going to talk to him, it should be his sister. She may need a few sessions with a therapist to get comfortable enough with the topic to bring it up whether he admits to it or not.

I wouldn't advise you to try to be the one to bring this up with him. He will possibly interpret it as you trying to come between he and his daughter. Leave this one to his sister--she's the only one with a real chance of getting him to talk about it by talking about her own situation and how it's affected her.

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