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Penny Rayas, MFT
Penny Rayas, MFT, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 395
Experience:  I have 20 years experience in the mental health field
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My husband had some kind of breakdown/detachment 3 years

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My husband had some kind of breakdown/detachment 3 years ago. He got involved with a unsavory female 30 years his junior and went completely off track. Hurt himself and everyone who loves him, family, long time friends, our family, himself. He went straight down the tube, lost job, on and on. Kept telling me he was "losing himself." Is seeing a psychiatrist who uncovered some major issues from his past and he is on meds. He is trying to get himself back and is no longer living in a fantasy. I am in much better control as well now that I see the issues more clearly and am taking them less personally. Still, lots of damage done. I have no trust in him right now and have a difficult time accepting anything he says as true. So many lies. We love each other after 24 years and that has been the only thing that has kept me from divorcing him. He has managed to let me see that much. Any suggestions?
Hello there and thanks for asking JA and giving me an opportunity to work with you.

I am sorry about everything that you are going through. You seam like a very strong and logical person. You are right to have your hesitations about getting back with your husband and I understand he has to gain your trust. If you consider giving him another chance you will need to go on couples therapy before you even think about giving him a chance. When you are ready to attend couples therapy talk to him a bout healing your relationship be going to couples therapy. Explain to him that this will not automatically mean that you are going back to him but you want to work on the broken relationship and see if there is a chance for healing and forgiving. It looks to me like you husband has so many things to work through. He will need to have make many changes before he is even ready to try to build a relationship with you again. From your side you will have to learn how to forgive him and I know that is not easy but it will free you from a lot of pain. So I think having the talk with him about seeing a couples therapist if he think he has changed enough learned his lesson and is willing to give your relationship a chance. You also will have to be willing to heal and let go of the past and move be on the pain. I suggest the book relationship Rescue by DR Phil and forgiving for good.

Let me know if you have any other questions

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
we have done a lot of talking as he has worked through his process with the Psychiatrist. He is very aware of the wrong he did and all the damage he has done to all of us and to himself. His behavior was so far from who he was that it was like looking at a stranger. It was a break in reality the Dr. said. In any event, he knows we have to have counseling and feels getting back into the church necessary as well. He says he will do whatever he has to in order to get well and re establish the marriage. He does not want to bring any leftover baggage back home. His psychiatrist says she believes he is close to being where she feels he should be to come back to the marriage. My only real concern is his commitment. I have to see max commitment and effort to even begin to believe I should put forth the effort to get past it all and move forward. He also did damage to the woman he was seeing. She is disturbed, has 6 kids, 4 with her out of control and he saw non of this until it was too late. Ironic punishment indeed.
I am glad that your husband has done so much work and realizes what he did wrong. This is the biggest indication that someone will not cheat again according to research. I also think that seeing a couples therapist together will help both of you to rebuild your relationship. I also would like to say that you have to be ready to forgive and forget and not take any of the pain into the new relationship. I understand that you may need time to heal and work on trusting again. I think both of you are doing all you can to make this work. Do you think you are ready to forgive and move on? I think deep down only you know. Yes it is ironic for the other lady but I think all we do to others returns to us. So remember love and forgiveness also will return to you.
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