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Penny Rayas, MFT
Penny Rayas, MFT, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 395
Experience:  I have 20 years experience in the mental health field
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my daughter is going to a therapist. she is 26. has some depression

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my daughter is going to a therapist. she is 26. has some depression and cutting in her past.
Home for holidays and got into a big argument with my wife. Tols us she was leaving because she could not express her fellings and this was not a safe place to stay. Left and she will not answer texts or calls. Never any problem with violence or physical abuse. What does she mean it is not a safe place to stay. I s she talking about hurting herself?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 5 years ago.
Hello there and thanks for asking JA. I would like to know a bit more about the argument. What happened for her to feel this way. Can you tell me in the past when did she cut herself? Was it over an argument?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Past cutting was when she was in college about 6 years ago and again when she was volunteering at an orphanage in Peru 4 years ago. We are assuming depession related but she never wanted to talk about it. Has been going to a therapist. Home for a visit and everything was going fine. Took the car out to visit her sister last night and was rear ended (her grandmothers car)and the guy drove off. Not much damage, just a scratch, but she reacted with severe anger and brought that anger home. We told her to let it go and calm down, no big deal since there was no damage. Her mom brought it up again today and asked her not to get so angry and it led to a big argument. It was a mistake for my wife to bring it up, but should not have escalated so much. When I tried to talk to my dauhgter about it she said we did not allow her to express her feelings and it was like that growing up and it was not a safe place for her to stay at home so she was leaving. I told her i loved her and wanted to talk it out but she was not interested, just very upset and kept saying this was not a safe place to stay. We have never had any violence or any type of physical abuse so it does not refer to that. She has left and not answered calls or texts. I believe she went to a friends house, not sure which one.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
never received an answer
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 5 years ago.

Hello there and thanks for makjing this clear for me. To my experience people who cut do that to release very strong emotions that they don't feel they can handle. It sounds like your daughter has very powerful emotions and she does not know how to take control of them. I think leaving and going to her friend's place was a way for her to take control of her emotions. It looks like she is very stressed out and felt blamed due to the accident. I don't think she is going to cut herself. I think leaving was a way for her to be safe/ When we talk about being safe in therapy terms we usually mean in her case is she safe from wanting to cut. Those are terms that she learned in order to help herself from cutting. I think she will be better tomorrow. I think the argument with your wife is not about what happened now but about something that bothers her in general. Cutting can be a symptom of another disorder that includes having strong fears about being abandoned. This personality is usally very intense and does not do well in relationships.

BPD patients may also be uncertain about their identity or self-image. They tend to see things in terms of extremes, either all good or all bad. They also typically view themselves as victims of circumstance and take little responsibility for themselves or their problems.

Other symptoms include:

  • Feelings of emptiness and boredom
  • Frequent displays of inappropriate anger
  • Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, or shoplifting
  • Intolerance of being alone
  • Recurrent acts of crisis such as wrist cutting, overdosing, or self-injury (such as cutting)

I am glad your daughter is working with a therapist. I don't think your wife did anything wrong. BPD tried to start fights when they feel insecure so the best your can do is to not take it personally and stay emotionally detachedm do not feed into the emotions.

Stay calm and say that you will talk to her later.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
is BPD bi polar disorder? is this associated with cutting? We have wondered about her because of her highs and lows but she will never talk about her therapy or anything. says it is private. Should we continue to try to talk or just give her the space she needs?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 5 years ago.
No It is borderline personality disorder.This is assosiate with cutting. It is very treatable with therapy. Sometimes people with borderline personality disoerder become depressed so they also have depression. Bipolar disorder has symptoms of mania or hypomania.
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