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Penny Rayas, MFT
Penny Rayas, MFT, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 395
Experience:  I have 20 years experience in the mental health field
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I'm 30 years old, almost 31, female and have been sextually

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hi, i'm 30 years old, almost 31, female and have been sextually active for 2 years. the problem is that I have never been able to reach an orgasm. I've been on anti depressants for 7 years and not sure if that is what's holding me back or not and my fiancee always feels bad as he thinks he is the one who isn't able to make me climax
Hello there and thanks for asking JA. I have a few questions for you. Were you able to reach orgasm on your own? What type of antidepressant are you on and how many mg?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

hi and thanks for getting back to me. I've never been able to reach an orgasm and have no idea what I'm missing out on, especially when my friends talk about how good it is for them etc.

I'm taking Efexor-XR 150 mg

Hello there many women can't reach orgasm by intecourse. Effexor does affect your ability to reach an orgasm also. I wonder also what feelings and thoughts do you have about having sex? Have you bought book on women's sexuality? Have you explored your own body to see what you like? Do you feel comfortable talking about your fantacies to your boyfriend? Are you religious?

I have heard women's sensitivity increases after they do Kegels

Kegel exercises strengthen the pelvic floor muscles, which support the uterus, bladder and bowel. You can do Kegel exercises discreetly just about anytime, whether you're driving in your car, sitting at your desk or relaxing on the couch. You can even do Kegel exercises when you're pregnant. Start by understanding what Kegel exercises can do for you - then follow step-by-step instructions for contracting and relaxing your pelvic floor muscles.

Why Kegel exercises matter

Many factors can weaken your pelvic floor muscles, from pregnancy and childbirth to aging and being overweight. This may allow your pelvic organs to descend and bulge into your vagina - a condition known as pelvic organ prolapse. The effects of pelvic organ prolapse range from uncomfortable pelvic pressure to leakage of urine. Pelvic organ prolapse isn't inevitable, however. Kegel exercises can help delay or even prevent pelvic organ prolapse and the related symptoms.

I have a feeling that you need to get comfortable with your own body and your own sexuality. I also have the feeling that asking your doctor for another antidepressent would help. Also be very open with your boyfriend about your own lack of experience and not knowing your body. Assure him that you find him atractive. Communication about sex is very important. You may need increase amount of stimulation or oral sex to reach an orgasm. Many women do not have orgasms by intercourse about 40%

Kegel exercises - along with counseling and sex therapy - may also be helpful for women who have persistent problems reaching orgasm.

How to do Kegel exercises

It takes diligence to identify your pelvic floor muscles and learn how to contract and relax them. Here are some pointers:

  • Find the right muscles. Insert a finger inside your vagina and try to squeeze the surrounding muscles. You should feel your vagina tighten and your pelvic floor move upward. Then relax your muscles and feel your pelvic floor return to the starting position. You can also try to stop the flow of urine when you urinate. If you succeed, you've got the basic move. Don't make a habit of starting and stopping your urine stream, though. Doing Kegel exercises with a full bladder or while emptying your bladder can actually weaken the muscles, as well as lead to incomplete emptying of the bladder - which increases the risk of a urinary tract infection.
  • Perfect your technique. Once you've identified your pelvic floor muscles, empty your bladder and sit or lie down. Contract your pelvic floor muscles, hold the contraction for five seconds, then relax for five seconds. Try it four or five times in a row. Work up to keeping the muscles contracted for 10 seconds at a time, relaxing for 10 seconds between contractions.
  • Maintain your focus. For best results, focus on tightening only your pelvic floor muscles. Be careful not to flex the muscles in your abdomen, thighs or buttocks. Avoid holding your breath. Instead, breathe freely during the exercises.
  • Repeat three times a day. Aim for at least three sets of 10 repetitions a day. You might make a practice of fitting in a set every time you do a routine task, such as checking email, commuting to work, preparing meals or watching TV.
Penny Rayas, MFT and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
thank you, I'll give it a try as I'm willing to try anything right now, not being able to climax is also making me quite depressed too
Hello there, I understand your frustration but you have to be able to relax to have an orgasm. Finding your sexuality takes time and you have time. I suggest taking deep breaths when you are intimate and not focusing on having an orgasm, focus on the wonderful feelings you are having. Please have fun, enjoy yourself. I hope this works for you. In couples sex therapy we ask the couple to hold hands, touch a lot and not reach orgasm for a week. Try this with your boyfriend. Take the focus off and the pressure off and continue to practice on the Kegels.