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AgapeDoc
AgapeDoc, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 197
Experience:  Dr. W. D. Nicholas will help you find solutions to life's challenging issues.
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I recently started seeing a really sweet and handsome guy

Resolved Question:

I recently started seeing a really sweet and handsome guy that I met out and about.  We have a lot in common and he is a professional surfer so I find him very cool and exciting.  I was googling some of his surf videos when a mugshot came up for a DUI a few years ago.  I then started digging further and saw that he had a dating violence case (but was not arrested that I know of for it).  It just says that the girl filed a case and then it was dismissed a month or so later.  He did mention that his mother used to beat him with a belt when he was 5 or 6 and that he could never hit the people he loves.  I'm super confused as to if I should proceed with this relationship.  He is extremely affection and seems like he is really into me.  I find him very attractive and fun and playful and could see us dating more seriously.  We both love the ocean, fishing, traveling, music, and home decor and the same restaurants.  Our dads have identical personalities too and we both get emberassed when they drink.   We have incredible sex as well as we have so much passion for each other.  Should I quit dating him because of the "dating violence issue?" 

Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  AgapeDoc replied 5 years ago.
AgapeDoc :

Thanks for contacting Just Answer...

AgapeDoc :

Let me see if I can help here...

AgapeDoc :

You did the right thing to contact Just Answer...

AgapeDoc :

I have read your post a couple of times and I think I can provide some insight...

AgapeDoc :

It is my intention to answer your question and exceed your expectations. If you are satisfied with my efforts will you click on the green accept button?

AgapeDoc :

OK.... I see you are offline. Let me go ahead and see if I can answer with what you have posted up to this point....

AgapeDoc :

Based on what you have posted up to now, I would say a couple of things....

AgapeDoc :

As I mentioned, you are right to consult with a professional (like here at Just Answer). In many cases I have dealt with I have had to recommend terminating such friendships...

AgapeDoc :

However....

Customer:

I'm back online

Customer:

sorry was in the other room

AgapeDoc :

In this case (again, based on what you have posted) I haven't seen enough evidence to be that concerned. For example, the former girlfriend may have "trumped up" those charges. It wouldn't be the first time that a man or woman lied to get their lover in trouble.

AgapeDoc :

The fact that the charges were dropped indicates that this may be the case.

Customer:

OK I did look her up and she looks pretty provocative...not that it matters what someone looks like but she is a bikini model type with tattoos

AgapeDoc :

Additionally, since you did this "investigation" and only found one such incident or allegation it would seem that it was either a trumped up charge or an isolated incident. In either case, I wouldn't be overly concerned.

AgapeDoc :

and what you have just posted about her adds to my theory.

Customer:

He did mention that his brother and him were in a fight in 2004 and he got arrested but that it was dismissed. They ended buying houses next to each other and he is so loving towards his brother. They light up everytime they see each other and they are very protective of each other

AgapeDoc :

I suggest that you are completely honest with him and tell him what you found, how you found it (by accident) and even about out conversation and then give him a chance to tell his side of the story.

Customer:

His brother and he tell each other i love you every time they part and he basically told me that his brother has settled down with a nice girl and that he wants the same thing...he wants a good girlfirend to live the non party life with..... cook dinners, drink wine, watch movies, go fishing....

AgapeDoc :

Also explain that you will not tolerate violence of any kind and if he does get so angry sometimes that he becomes violent that he may want to get some anger management training - because it sounds like you two have something really special and you don't want to lose that.

AgapeDoc :

I work with many people who wish they had what you two seem to have. I'm serious about this..... honesty and trust are so vital - have a heart to heart with him.

AgapeDoc :

I believe that you two are on to something very special here. I think that this can be dealt with and you can both be happy together.

Customer:

Thank you...my last relationship was a healthy one in a lot of ways. It lasted for four years but he had very minimal affection towards me and definitely not a lot of passion. I left him because I couldn't deal with it anymore. But this guy is the complete opposite.... he can't keep his hands off of me.

AgapeDoc :

Sounds like lots of fun :) I wish the best for you both. I hope I've answered your questions and given you lots of hope. If you are satisfied with my efforts, please don't forget to click on the green accept button so I can get paid for my work.

Customer:

I appreciate your feedback and hopefully things will work out well and that he will not have anger issues. I am a tough Irish girl with a very strong family and he knows this as he comes from a similar background so he knows what he is getting into. I will be honest with him soon about it. I don't want to emberass him but it will come up as things proceed to get more serious.

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