Good morning Kate,
I'll be off in a minute, nearly forgot to post, but I expect I'll be back before you're up. :)
As you were writing (your post yesterday), D was winding Sam up over spending time playing his X Box game tonight, rather than being with his girlfriend. Sam was immediately defensive, and punched D on the arm. Sam reacts immediately to D these days, and I know there will be trouble. D said next time you do that I'll floor you. Sam said good idea, put you in jail. I know Sam shouldn't have punched him, I told him so after D had gone away. We had a big hug, I said I'm sorry you're unhappy, he said I'm OK now. He's started to think about his counselling next week, and his appointment with the psychiatrist (though I haven't told him that is who he will be seeing just yet), asked if they can sort him out, that he feels messed up. He asked if Poppy was seeing a counsellor, I said not just yet, she seems OK at the moment (though I do want her to see the school counsellor, it's whether she will go or not).
I made 2 requests, and I wait still. I'm not going to ask again, the recycling has to be out by dark tomorrow, so I will wait til the last moment, and see what happens. The straw needs getting very soon, we need to stable to Shetland again (ggrrrrrr). I will have to ask again if not done in a day or 2. Sam came in from his room with a pillow which had some mildew on it where it had been up against the back wall of his bedroom. I've cleaned the mould off his wall at regular intervals during the colder months, and have asked D to attend to the walls from the outside to better insulate them. I have asked him half a dozen times recently. Today was a lovely day. He came out to feed the fish, and I said it would be good to make the most of the weather today to get things sorted (I wasn't specific, didn't want to push it!) He came in for lunch at 1pm, and has been on the computer from then, and still is now (7.45.) I wrote him a message that Sam's room needs sorting asap, and left it by his place at supper. He has read it, no comment, I wonder if it will have more of an impact than the spoken word.
If it becomes apparent that I'm not listening to D, not interested, walk away, or am doing a crossword (as is my way to zone out from him), he will become cross, tell me he is talking to me, doesn't anyone listen to him in this house, ask are you listening to me? I've just remembered I have that recorded from the other night, my answer was that of course I was, I had no choice! (It was ref talking to K, that I should talk to his mates!)
Being in touch with my feelings looks tricky. I'm going to read that a few times and try to remember it. I know all my feelings have been turned inwards, and have been for years. This evening after supper and the upset with Sam I had enormous discomfort in my upper chest and throat which I am well aware is stress
related. I have come to my room to calm down, but there was no release of my feelings towards D, and I just had to treat my symptoms (I have Omeprazole and CaCo3). I don't feel I would have been better off venting to D how I felt, and how Sam feels. D doesn't know that he has an appt with a counsellor, I'm not sure if it will benefit Sam by D knowing or not. He would no doubt question Sam after his appointment to know what he talked about, so at the moment he doesn't know.
So, how did I feel? Angry with D that he isn't able to be tactful with Sam, that he doesn't know how easily angered he is at the moment, that he never thinks about what he says to Sam, and what his reaction is likely to be. Sad and worried for Sam that he felt so upset by the remark, and that he can't keep his feelings in check, that if he hadn't punched D he would have punched the wall and caused himself an injury. Hopeless and helpless to act as a go-between and make matters worse by taking sides, or creating an argument that would snowball, so kept quiet, again, and absorbed it all instead. I WILL work hard to identify my feelings, and deal with them at the time, but I will run the risk of there being much more conflict with D as a result. But I will give it a go.
I catch up later, let you know how I got on. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. :)