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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5823
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My father is 86 with dementia diagnosed about 3 years

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my father is 86 with dementia diagnosed about 3 years ago...I would say at this state it is moderated but there are some severe signs...He had a stroke 5 months ago..he is now h ome with my mother who is 83 and has her won health issues including mental issues that include some OCD and fanasy thinking..(he will get betterr and walk again)..she has ben tolff y every doctor and service provifder that he will aways be inn a whell chair)..they have long term care insurance and have money to spare so expensses are not an issue...they have always isolated themselves rom other people and now that pepe are having to come into the house, my mother cannot tolerate it..we have a care givee4r that comes in during the day (for my dad) excercises, walker use, hdration issuses bathroom issues(ujrinary incontinence and falling issues),my mother wants her ther no longer becuase she talks to much and doenst let them veg in fron of the sister and I have been helping out really takes about 5 pople to keep hiim at home..Lasst Friday they were offered a wuite at a nursing home for assisted living wher they vcould both be placed....they absolutley refused because"they do not need it and mom ccan do it by herself...she also dimissed the private care giver today..they will not fave the issues at hand and my sister and i areso worried that something is going to haphpen..mother isd now lying to people about the state of being anto othe dovvtor etv and they get furious if we try to can we get them to se that they need assisted living and at the very least need a full time caregiver? They just hang up on us
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

Sometimes as people age, they may deteriorate physically, but mentally and emotionally they want to maintain their independence. This creates conflict with caregivers and other relatives because the need for extra care is obvious to them, even if it is not with the parents. And the emotional and physical strain caring for elderly disabled parents can take a toll on the family.

The best step is to contact your local Area Agency on Aging. They can send an evaluator (usually a nurse with experience in caring for the elderly) out to the home to determine if your parents can live on their own. The evaluation includes a full report on their mental health, emotional well being and physical abilities to care for themselves. You or other caregivers may also want to be there to provide input about care you have provided and the incidents you have seen with your parents. The evaluator will write a report with any recommendations for care. If the Aging Department determines that they are unfit to care for themselves, then finding housing and care will be pursued. However, if the evaluator feels they are ok living at home for now, the Aging Department will offer services to help. This can include services such as meals on wheels, transportation services (ACCESS) and other assistance.

If your parents refuse the help, the Dept of Aging can guide you on how to best approach the situation. They may also be able to intervene in the situation to help you convince your parents to get help. Here is the link to their site:

You can also contact the Family Caregiver program through the Federal government. Since the program is federal, there are services all over the U.S. The program helps caregivers cope with offering assistance through support and financial help.

Try to appeal to your parents control issues. Tell them that if they stay at home, they will need a lot of help. But if they make choices that will help them remain independent (such as Senior living options, for example), they will have more control over who comes and goes. They need to know that this is to help them live more independently as long as possible. Keep reminding them they have some control over this and picking a choice now will help them be more prepared in the future.

I hope this helps you. Let me know if you have any more questions,


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