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Doctor Kevin
Doctor Kevin, Ph.D.
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1482
Experience:  25 years in private practice
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I have been having problems ejaculating during masturbation

Customer Question

i have been having problems ejaculating during masturbation for about 4 years. I found myself aroused once around my mother in law and actually ejaculated when I brushed up against her, and she noticed it and I told her about my problem. She has since then from time to time allowed me to masturbate in her presence and I have been able to ejaculate but not alone. This bothers me on many levels,especially since she is not very attractive. Im curious is something wrong with me?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  MN Psychiatrist replied 5 years ago.
Hello, I am a psychiatrist.
I could best answer your question if you told me more about this situation, including more about your relationship with your wife. Is your marriage a good one? Are you both sexually active with each other? Do you have problems ejaculating with your wife? Are you taking any medications at all? Why did you discuss this with your mother-in-law? Also, why has your mother-in-law allowed you to masturbate in her presence?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
My sexlife with my wife is fine,just 2 or 3 times a month, no medications,My mother in law and I have always been freinds and talk about anything, and what brought this up was during some family photos my mother in law was infront of me and the guy taking the photo kept telling everyone to get closer together and her butt was against my crotch and i became erect and actually ejaculated, this was after my problem ejaculating while masturbating. She then broght up that she was uncomfortable that i got erect against her and i explained to her my problem. She has helped me a few times, if I am riding with her somewhere I may masturbate, or sometime she will stand there and let me look at her butt and masturbate, or ill try to do it sometime without her knowing. But i have found myself now fanticizing about her and she is a 62yo librarian and not very attractive.
Expert:  MN Psychiatrist replied 5 years ago.
Are you seeing a therapist?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
No , I cant afford it at the moment, my insurance lapsed, Also I havent, thats why im on here
Expert:  MN Psychiatrist replied 5 years ago.
I see. The only way to know for certain what exactly is motivating you to think and feel this way is to have a chance to process your thoughts/feelings about all this with a therapist. That said, I would also absolutely recommend that you stop engaging in this kind of behavior with regard to your mother-in-law so that you do not further put your marriage at risk.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
answer just states the obvious and none of what I am needing to know
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 5 years ago.
Hello. I believe I can be of help to you with this issue.

Hello. I believe I can be of help to you with this issue.

Psychologists would explain what is happening from an operant conditioning and classical conditioning model of LEARNING. You can Google these topics, especially classical conditioning, and read more about them. This is entirely learned behavior and can be unlearned.

You can Google the topics: classical conditioning; sexual dysfunction (or, sexual response or orgasm); and operant conditioning (and the above). You'll come up with some articles like this:

Men can get sexually excited with relative ease when women rub up against them (as happened to you in the family picture incident with mother in law), particularly under the right physiological condition e.g, if they have not had sex or a while, have a passing sexual thought etc. You had an arousal and premature ejaculation incident with your mother in law. You make a serious mistake by continuing to "pair" together her physical presence (looking at her, being with her) and masturbating to ejaculation. What this does is make it much more likely that she (and the situational context in which this occurs), becomes the primary context for your ejaculating successfully. Your are strengthening the learning connection between this specific context and situation (being with mother in law) your masturbation behavoirs, and the reinforcement (sexual pleasure). This makes you want this masturbation situation more in the future. In other words, the more you do this, the more you will likely 'need' this context in the future to experience an ejaculation and pleasure, aside from sex with your wife. So step #1----you really have to stop doing this with mother in law altogether. It may help the learning connection to fade (what psychologists call, "extinction").

Instead, you may want to get with your wife and find ways TOGETHER to help you with this issue. You have sex 'just fine' with her. If you wish to masturbate, perhaps she can help you do in in HER presence. For example, since you can experience an orgasm with sex, then the first step would be to have you intensively fantasize (visual images) of your wife prior to and during intercourse. After repeated, successful associations (fantasies and then eventual orgasm) like this, you would introduce manual stimulation. That is, just prior to intercourse, perhaps she could manually stimulate you or your could, do so yourself, and attempt to have an orgasm. If you don't come to orgasm, you finish the session with normal intercourse, working hard to maintain the mental imagery of your wife. What we are doing is finding a way to pair a new masturbation, situational context with sexual pleasure, shifting the ideation, visual imagery, and overall environmental learning context for masturbation from mother in law, to your wife. Keep pictures of your wife handy and if you find yourself fantasizing about your mother in law, please catch yourself and look a the picture of your wife immediately, then visualize the picture, then create a brief sexual fantasy of her. It is important to shift or substitute both visual fantasies about mother in law and all positive reinforcement (experience of masturbation sexual pleasure) away from mother in law and toward another person and situation (wife, and your bedroom). Simply talking to a typical therapist won't help you because they likely won't have a clue about the operant and classical conditioning that is absolutely causing this problem for you. You need a clinical psychologist who has a strong background, and graduate coursework in learning theory to help you, ideally---someone who has this background and does sex therapy specifically.

What do you think?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Relist: Inaccurate answer.
Expert:  Doctor Kevin replied 5 years ago.

Thank you for choosing it just answer! I see that you had a number of replies from a psychologist and a psychiatrist but I will try to address each of your questions as you have presented them. Your first question concerns being able to ejaculate during masturbation which has occurred for approximately the last four years. For some men, problems with orgasm or desire are based in a loss of contact with their own body. In other words, you may not be aware how aroused you are (an erect penis is an obvious sign of arousal, but it is not the only one). Men who have these difficulties also tend to be very dependent on specific types of erotic fantasy and physical stimulation to the penis. The first step is for you to get in touch with your physical level of arousal - a process of getting back in touch with your own body and its sexual responses. You begin to masturbate your penis with your hand while you use the fantasy that turns you on the most. When you feel turned on, you revert to using the physical sensations of stimulating your penis to keep yourself excited; when you are about to reach orgasm, you stop masturbating and waits for your arousal to drop. When it has done so, you again stimulate your penis with your hand alternating between physical arousal and fantasy to maintain your excitement at a high level. After stopping and starting this penile stimulation three times in succession, you masturbate to orgasm. The essence of the process is that a man is relearning what it feels like to be aroused purely through touch - rather in the way that a boy learns to play with his penis because because it feels good, not because he is mentally turned on. This shows a man that it is possible to get aroused without the help of fantasy.

Now as to your second question love being aroused your mother-in-law and actually masturbating in front of her. I would agree that it would bother me as well on many levels. What you are describing is listed as a perversion, called frottering. You mentioned that you have an active sexual life with your wife but did not say anything about her potential joylessness or questioning your somewhat perverse fantasies. In the realm of human sexuality at least according to Freud, having a satisfying sexual relationship with your wife is considered to be much more normal than masturbating in front of your mother-in-law. I would agree with the other therapists in that I am sure you would feel much more satisfied if you simply maintained your sexual relationship with your wife Eventually your sexual interests in your wife will be re-awakened and and you’ll feel less of a need for this somewhat perverse activity.

I hope this more accurately answers your question.

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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
Expert:  Norman M. replied 5 years ago.
What more do you need to know?

Expert:  Doctor Kevin replied 5 years ago.
I am still avalible. I am not sure what you mean by "answer quality" I have addressed each of the specdific concerns with specific answers and ould be glad to go into more detail if that is warented.