I'm a 27 yrd female and have been suffering from depression for more than 10 years now. I used to cut myself when I was 15, never understood why I did
it. I stopped that "practice" at about 23-24.
I'm suspecting that I might have a bipolar
disorder. Because I live in China at the moment and I've heard some horrifying stories about their medical care system I thought I'd ask someone somewhere else, like here. I've been doing some research on the internet putting my symptoms together, separately the closest most logical explanation I can think of is bipolar disorder.
-At times I feel like I'm at the top of the world and nothing can bring me down. Then the n-ext moment I feel like scum and wish my mother would've gotten an abortion or something.
-I'm either sleeping
a lot or getting by 4-5 hours of sleep a day without feeling tired.
-One moment I can be care-free and happy and the next I'm sad
and in tears.
-Some days I eat a lot, some days I can get by with very little food.
-I get easily irritated.
-I have irregular bowel movements.
-My hair is falling off (I know it's not really a symptom but who knows)
-Sometimes I can't shut my mouth and others you can hardly get me to say anything.
-I hate myself most of the time. And I have to push myself hard and even then I don't think I'm good enough and it's a constant battle within.
-Concentrating on things is very hard.
-Within a year I've lost about 44 pounds. I ate very little amounts of food. Have been just concentrating on my studies day and night.
-Often (2-3 times a week when I'm not feeling low) I get absolutely obsessed with cleaning my apartment. Every little crack and corner has to be polished and scrubbed kind.
-I worry about all sorts of things big and small, my business and none of my business. Sometimes I can't sleep because I'm feeling sorry for all the cages up animals in the world, about polar bears etc.
-And the scariest thing is that I'm constantly thinking about death. I've tried to commit suicide twice before.
Lately, I've been feeling down again (it kind of comes in waves, if you know what I mean). It's been really hard for me to even walk to the bathroom and take a shower. I'm usually quite organized and clean and my brain was telling me that I'm spiraling down. I started heavily flirting with men other than my boyfriend, sometimes even in his presence. I know it sounds horrible but it felt nice to be liked by others.
Last Thursday, I went out with my friends and we were having fun at our local pub. I got pretty drunk and decided to go home. As soon as I stepped out of there I felt the "world" crashing onto me. Every little problem I've been dealing with, every little things that I've been sweeping under the rug fell on me. At least that's how it felt. The next few moments I don't think I was my own person. I remember picking up a bottle off the ground, breaking it on a wall and stabbing my wrist with it. I didn't even feel any pain. I only came to myself when I saw blood trickling down on to the ground. I was sorry, but not because I did it but because I didn't succeed.
I don't think that any of my family members were ever diagnosed with any mental disorders but I think it's important to say that my mother tried to kill herself 3 years ago when my father left her. I guess she was always easily irritable and also very vulnerable and sensitive. But I always thought that was because she was always so busy and got tired by the end of the day...
I don't think my father has any health issues and conditions worth mentioning. A flu here, a cold there. When he was in his 40s (more than 15 years ago) he got a laser eye surgery. That's about it.
My older brother has hepatitis. I'm not sure which type. He's been on medications for over a year now.
My sister has some thyroid enlargement or something, I'm not sure.
Any ideas what could it be?