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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5823
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I have 2 adult children at my home - 20 year old and 18 year

Resolved Question:

I have 2 adult children at my home - 20 year old and 18 year old (18 yr. old has a 2 year old son living with us also, and does not receive much child support). Both don't work and don't make any real effort to find a job. Financially we cannot let this continue. We would be happy to let them stay if they can contribute to the grocery bill. They also live with my husband, their stepdad, and our 11 year old daughter. My question is, how long do we give them to get on their feet before we kick them out? We have already extended my daughters stay for 7 months, which during this time, she has looked for work sporatically. They also have a father that they know they can move in with who requires nothing from them. My two older children have plenty of motivation to party and socialize
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

At this point, it sounds like you have given the children plenty of time to find a job or at least give it a good effort. If they were making an effort everyday, searching for a job and going on interviews and just not finding a job, then you would have a good reason to extend their stays. But from what you are saying, the kids are doing nothing to help themselves. They are using you and your husband as a way to avoid having to be responsible for their own lives.

It may seem cruel to tell your children to leave. But in reality, you are showing them you care if you tell them they need to be on their own. Parents can be supportive, but there is a time when supportive becomes creating dependence, which is not good for any child. You have reached this point. It is time to tell them to move on.

Whether or not they choose to go to their father's home to live there is up to them and their father. But you have given them adequate time and energy. At the most, you should allow them to stay one more month. Then tell them they will be out. Mark the day on the calendar, remind them a few times a week, and stick to the date you set. If they ask for more time, say no. Make plans to change your locks on that date and do not give them a key. A few days before they are to leave, remind them daily. Start helping them pack and collect their things. This will show them you are serious.

While you are preparing them to leave, try to keep your emotions out of it. You may feel you are hurting them and they may try to make you feel you are, but you are not. It is good for them to make their own way. Also, find support through trusted family and friends. You need to have others you can turn to if you feel yourself beginning to falter in your commitment.

I hope this helps you,


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