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Ask Dr. Shirley Schaye Your Own Question
Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience:  PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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How do I know for sure if I have been emotionally abused

Resolved Question:

How do I know for sure if I have been emotionally abused?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 5 years ago.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Thank you for contacting Just Answer. Tell me more about what has been happening.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

To be able to best help you and for me to understand better what is happening it would help a great deal if you would elaborate and tell me more --- about what is going on with you and who you think is emotionally abusing you?

Customer:

Well I am getting married soon and I have always suspected that the way my dad has treated me wasn't exactly correct

Customer:

but lately I have felt like it is more than just incorrect and feel a little confused

Customer:

So what information do you need to help out?

Customer:

Are you there?

Customer:

Dr. Shirley Schaye: So with this wedding. He has been difficult to deal with. He lives in Germany and when he came back my fiance and I went to dinner with him and his wife.

Customer:

my dad has a very direct and kind of aggressive way of speaking and my fiance has been diagnosed with PTSD from a previous abusive relationship that she was in

Customer:

Dr. Shirley Schaye:so over the course of dinner we were discussing wedding plans and my dad brought up some objections and things that he thought we should do but did it in a direct way

Customer:

Dr. Shirley Schaye: my fiance felt like it was controlling and triggered her PTSD which put her on the defensive. This sort of dominoed things. My dad got upset and was really holding back his temper. Later him and I were talking and he basically told me that it was a bad idea to move forward with this girl.

Customer:

Dr. Shirley Schaye: Sorry I feel kind of funny telling this story

Customer:

Dr. Shirley Schaye: the story is what brought it up but the reason I feel like he has been abusive is this. Over the course of my life my dad has been very forceful and mean. We got into a fight about this girl and he said some really hurtful things, made assumptions and accusations that were completely illogical and false, and basically disowned me if I continued. He told me that he'd wait a year from now when things fell apart with a smile on his face to say "I told you so." Looking back on my life I realize that he has been like that with me all my life. Everytime that I have had ideas or projects or expressed desired my dad would immediately discredit them and tell me that I would fail and go nowhere with it. If he didn't agree to how I was behaving he accused me of being out of my mind, crazy or irrational.

Customer:

Dr. Shirley Schaye: One example is when I started wrestling in high school. My dad called me gay and did everything he could to force me not to join the team. He only came to one match and left right after it was over. Another was when I wanted to fix some motorcycles that we had. He told me to wait for him and he'd show me how to do it. After several months of waiting for him I decided to do some leg work and get the parts needed to fix them. When I told him that I had done some research and needed clarification on what needed to be done he got really mad at me and told me to stop and not worry about it. When I told him I wanted to do film he told me I'd never be successful. When I said I wanted to write, and people said I was good at it, he said that I would go nowhere with my life.

Customer:

Dr. Shirley Schaye: He enjoys telling embarrassing stories of us kids and poking fun which is probably normal but because of it I was never able to feel comfortable or at ease when I was with him.

Customer:

Dr. Shirley Schaye: My mom divorced him because she says that he was abusive but I didn't believe it until now. For me it's just the way he was and I thought it was how all fathers acted. But now I have experience with a lot of other men and I have to admit that the more I see of these other men, I respect my dad less and less. I just want to know if this is considered abusive in some small degree, or if I am making something big out of not a big deal?

Customer:

Dr. Shirley Schaye: Are you there?

Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 5 years ago.
What is your dad doing that makes you feel the way you do. Put Dr. Shirley Schaye before your response and I'll be the one to respond.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Dr. Shirley Schaye - Are you still there?
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 5 years ago.
For some reason ALL that you wrote did not appear and that's why I added my post. Well, here it is now. I see everything you have written about your dad so disregard what I just asked before. You have certainly given me an excellent picture. Your father is abusive in not " some small degree" but to a very large degree. I am so very sorry that he behaved that way with you throughout your life. You are most certainly not and I quote you "making something big of a not big deal." Absolutely,not. I scorned at what he said about you being gay when you joined the wrestling team in high school. I thought, what the heck is he talking about???? I know a lot about wrestling teams. My son was a wrestler in high school and in college. Hardly gay guys --- if anything pretty macho guys.

So, the answer to your question is, yes, your father is and has been emotionally abusive!!!!!!!!!

I'll pause here and await your response. If you have other questions please do not hesitate to ask. If I have answered your question please click on ACCEPT and leave feedback. Bonuses are always appreciated. You can always ask more questions after you have clicked on Accept. Just put Dr. Shirley Schaye before your response and I will be the one to respond.
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