Thank you for re posting your response. I appreciate it.
It sounds like you have good insight when it comes to your daughter's boyfriend. He does indeed sound manipulative. He also may have some anti social traits and/or narcissistic traits. Hanging around drug users, using himself and possibly hacking into your passwords are all anti social behaviors. Manipulation is part of narcissism.
It also sounds like he has learned these behaviors at home. He probably did not have controls put on his behaviors and was allowed to push until he got his way. So he has turned out acting this way because he feels he can get away with it.
Your daughter is probably caught up in his charm (which he turns on for her), what appears to be self assurance (which is manipulation and narcissism) and his lack of boundaries with his behavior. She may also be pulled in to co dependency with him. He may threaten her if she leaves, manipulate her into feeling she is not worthy, and generally trying to keep her under his control. If so, then this may be an emotionally abusive relationship.
Since your daughter is 19, legally you cannot force them to stay apart. But since she does live with you and you support her, you can set some house rules she needs to follow. This can include a curfew or other house rules that restrict her ability to see her boyfriend.
But even restricting her is not going to prevent her from seeing her boyfriend. Realizing that she is old enough to make her own mistakes is very difficult for a parent. Given that, you can still try to help her. Here are some things you can try:
Realize that she made this choice based on her perception of this boy and what she felt he could offer her. She may be fearful of stepping out on her own as a young adult and he may represent a carefree life, seemingly high self esteem, and answers to all problems. That is what she might see. You are telling her something different, which she does not want to hear right now and may scare her. Instead, telling her that you love her and want the best for her will help. You want her to see you as someone she can turn to when she realizes that her boyfriend is not so great.
This does not mean you are not honest with your daughter about your feelings. But make them your feelings and don't try to convince her. She will be more willing to listen to you if you are not trying to change her.
Support her. If she is hurt, stay with her. Let her talk about this boy even if you don't want to hear it. The point is to let her know you care.
Set boundaries. Tell your daughter that although you respect her, you do not respect her boyfriend's behavior. And make sure you make it about his behavior. It makes a difference. If you tell your daughter that her boyfriend is fine, but his behavior is out of control and you will not allow it in your home, then she cannot be upset because you don't like him. You just do not like his behavior. You are still showing respect to everyone (a good example to her) but you are pointing out his behavior as wrong. This may help her see how he acts rather than thinking this is just you having an opinion because you don't like him.
Allow her to make her own mistakes. Let her know you care but that you realize that she needs to learn on her own what makes a good or bad relationship.
Also, if you have other family members or even friends of your daughter's who agree with you, encourage them to talk with your daughter. She may be able to tune out one opinion, but if several people say they are uncomfortable with her boyfriend's behavior, then she may be able to hear it.
You can learn more about manipulative and narcissistic personalties and co dependency so you are better able to understand the hold this boy has on your daughter. Here are some good resources to help you:
http://www.nmha.org/go/codependency- this may help you to understand your daughter's relationship with her boyfriend.
includes emotional abuse
I hope this has helped you,