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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5810
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My husband had an affair years ago, which he made not effort

Customer Question

My husband had an affair years ago, which he made not effort to end. In fact, she harassed me at home, and even in the church. Our children were young, so I hung in there.
Now he is retired, his business failed. All along we have struggled financially. Now I have discovered a large number of people he borrowed from and never repaid. In addition, he was in real estate and supposedly bought property for "investors" rehabed and sold at a profit. Well he used the rehab money up, and the investors are left with uninhabitable properties. One gentleman he borrowed money from and signed my name, he has placed a 10,000 lien on our house. Financially, our life is a nightmare. I try and talk to him and he either laughs or starts singing spiritual songs. All he does all day is play dominos on the internet and send nasty e-mails to some lady in Canada. We have never had a social life and now he won't even go to the movies with me, and tries to convince me I'm crazy.
I have been on disability, and we survived with inheritance money from my brother's transition. When my two brothers passed, he provided no support. In fact, as I sougth to write the eulogy, he kept trying to start an argument. When he left the room, I locked the door and thank-God had peace for a while. He won't help clean or repair the house, which is in disrepair because of neglect. He doesn't seem to care about me, the house, our adult children, or living. All he does is play dominos on the computer, we talk less than a half hour daily and that always leads to an argument. He calls me a nag anytime I bring up things he needs to do or bills that need to be paid. I feel like he is an anchor around my ankle and trying to pull me down with him. Also, there is no romance, he rarely even touches me other than under the chin, no hugs, few kind words, and we're entering the second year of no sex. Honestly, he's not even a friend. Friends have abandoned me, and even the children are weary of listening. I know I have to find a position, new place, and leave KC to go back home to Chicago where my children and one remaining sister lives. I asked my sister for help, and she refused saying my children should help me. Well they are young, and working to make ends meet. He cast our daughter into bankruptcy, and caused tress in her young marriage by using the rent money from her properties and causing them to go into foreclosure. He also caused stress in our son's marriage by borrowing, unknown to me, $3,000 from them and not repaying most of it. I've given my sister a great deal of finanacial assistance in the past. Now she is married to a successful executive, brags about having over 60,0000 saved and a house worth $400,000 which she owes 30,000 on located in an historic district of Chicago. She is as about cold as my husband, and doesn't hear my pain, encouraging me to stay on a sinking ship.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your problem.

It sounds like your husband is emotionally abusive to you. He may also be narcissistic, which is a personality disorder where someone thinks only of themselves and not others.

All of his actions are either designed to hurt you or ignore your needs completely. I believe the counselor you saw was right, your husband is dishonest and leaving him may be your best option.

Your husband is not there for you when you need him. Instead, he tries to hurt you more when you are down (like after your brother died). He seems angry and vengeful. This is not something you need in your life.

What you can do is decide whether or not you want to leave him. It is not too late, and since you live off your income, then you may be looking at cutting expenses if you leave. You could move back to where you do have support with your children. That would provide you with a better life and some peace.

Talk with an attorney to see what your options are. You may also want to consider seeing a therapist again, for the support and assistance. You can find low cost/no cost therapy through your local community mental health center. Try contacting the United Way for the center's information.

Also, learn more about abusive relationships and how they affect women. Here are some resources to help you:

Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved by Lundy Bancroft and JAC Patrissi

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

The Emotionally Abused Woman : Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself by Beverly Engel

You can find these books on or your local library may have them for you.

Let me know if I can help any further,


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Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

You may also want to consider support groups to help you through and provide you with help from others who have experienced what you have in their relationships.

Let me know if you need referrals to any groups.


If you found your answer helpful, please click ACCEPT. I am not paid for my work unless you accept. Thank you!


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