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Ask Fabio Goderecci Your Own Question
Fabio Goderecci
Fabio Goderecci, Psychiatrist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 135
Experience:  MD, Specialist in Psychiatry & Psychotherapy
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I would like to find out ,my wife have tried to have a with

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Good Day
I would like to find out ,my wife have tried to have a 3some with 2 diffrent coupels in the past and with the second time used sexuale inhanser , she has thought of an lesbean relationship before we got married,but acording to her nothing happend, witch i dought, is it possable that she will want a 3 some or just wants to try a female encounter or will she be open to one given her history
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Fabio Goderecci replied 5 years ago.
Fabio Goderecci :

Hello and thank you for your question to JA. I hope I will be able to help you. After my first answer I will be happy to comment once more if you feel the need to ask more. Especially if your wife has been enjoying the relationship with you and still does almost probably the situation is more connected with bisexuality other than pure lesbianism. The keyword to understand what´s going on is identity. We all struggle in life with identity and a person who is heterosexual or homosexual/lesbian has a more precise, better established sexual identity compared to a person who is bisexual. A truly heterosexual or homosexual/Lesbian person does what we call in psychology an "object choice" which means that this person is at a certain extent quite early in development sure of loving a person of opposite gender or same gender. I matters of bisexuality the situation may be that the person is still "unsure" about the choice. Now when in life we are unsure about something we usually have several ways of coping with it but two main ways are 1. process it in the mind 2. process it on the level of action, i.e. by "doing something" In this case as your wife has been before "thinking of a lesbian relationship" but unsure of it almost probably the 3somes are a way to search for a direction in matters of sexual identity by action which means by "doing something" Now the problem with this kind of "action-centered" approach is that it usually does not solve the problem and brings to repetitive action. So what you should try to discuss with he is should she do something ( a therapist? ) to approach the identity struggle more by inner psychological processing. Anyway in these cases achieving this can be difficult if the person has no anxiety or any other kind of symptoms which motivate to search more on the inner level. What happens to your wife has very much to do with the question "who am I" in matters of sexuality and a struggle to solve it. At the of the day in life we do not have time for all the choices so that forces us to process certain things. Dr. Fabio Goderecci................Important Note: I will answer to your first original question and to a second question about the same topic for a maximum of two answers.
Disclaimer: this psychiatric/psycho-therapeutic advice is for educational purposes. It cannot substitute a medical/psycho-therapeutic evaluation/treatment having place in person at the practice of a licensed psychiatrist/psycho-therapist. This advice should always be applied under the personal supervision of a specialist at her/his practice. If your situation is an emergency you should visit an emergency unit right now.


Is she in all likley hood going be open for a 3some or a femaile incounter and if so what signs do i look for as i want to be part of it if it happens, as i would not like her to do it behind my back and lastly in your opinion do you think she had was fully involved in the 3 somes and female encounter


REgards ***** ***** you

Fabio Goderecci :

Honestly I think that she does not know that herself. The fact that she needs to engage into an action to check her own emotions in regard to being with a woman indicates that she is in a way "testing the ground" in regard to being with a woman. If she would be a real lesbian she would do a "object choice" which means that she would truly choose to be in a relationship with a woman. Being with a woman in a 3some is not a relationship, yet. If with "fully involved" you mean that she felt in the 3somes that kind of trust and communication which a couple (heterosexual or not) feels in a relationship well surely that is not the case.The signs you have to look to detect if with the woman there is a longer term relationship starting are intimacy, friendship, sharing things with the other person. If she would have been sure of that (of course I assume that nothing happened behind your back before) then she would begin to have a desire to share things with the woman, be together, have deeper intimate connection. Instead the 3some things seems more like an attempt from her of answering the question "who am I" as a sexual human being.

Fabio Goderecci :

I try to explain in easier term what I mean with "object choice". There is a wonderful way in Enlighs ( I think it´s British expression ) to define that. It is "the significant ones" Now becoming the significant one in someone else´s mind requires little bit more than a 3some. It requires trust, intimacy, sharing.. so those are the signs which could tell you that the 3some is escalating into.. a relationship.

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