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Penny Rayas, MFT
Penny Rayas, MFT, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 395
Experience:  I have 20 years experience in the mental health field
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i want to know what may be the problem and or the fix for my

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i want to know what may be the problem and or the fix for my daughter all of a sudden cring bloody murder when its dads turn with her...? from birth shes always been with me, he's been in and out of jail up until this last yr shes now 5yrs 8mo...when he first got out and he was doing good she loved to go with him, spend the night ect..she wasnt to happy with having to stay more than a couple of nights but she was still ok, no big fuss or its been almost a yr and dad has joint custody and visitations are from sun to sun..with me from sun to sun, then with dad from that sun to the next and so on and so on...shes ok with it at times and others, mostly resently she crys bloody murder, kicks screems, begs pls not to let her go, she even reminds me ahead of time that she doesnt want to go and starts wining about going about 1day prior...her dad of course forces her to go most of the time and when its convienient for him he doesnt?? either way i try to explain to him that there must be a real reason why she dont want to go because she wouldnt cry and act the way she does about it, he tells me its me, he asks what am i telling her to make her not want to go...i dont know why he thinks i would do that to her if anything i try to convice her and make it a good thing so its not so hard....i truely feel and think he knows the reason but wont say, admit, or acknolege it...what should i do...? what needs to be done....?i want whats best for her i dont want to force her to do anything she dont feel comfortable doing but at the same time i have a court order to follow...??
Hello there and thanks for asking JA. I think is hard for a child of 5 years old to go back and forth like this. When you ask her why she does not want to go does she tell you why? Is she borred? Your ex husband has been in jail. Did he do drugs? I ask because about 75% of people who end up in jail do drugs. What changes are happening in his life that your daughter does not want to go with him? I suggest that you take your daughter to therapy. A trained therapist can help her with any problem that she may be experiencing. Your ex husband has to be consistent. It is difficult for children when the visitation is inconsistant. Why did the court refuse to give your ex less visitation?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

um no she doesnt really say why the only thing she does say is that dads always at work and doesnt come back till night, i guess he has his sis, mom, bro, and new friend taking her to and from school, she says even in morning sometimes hes not there...and about him in jail n stuff im not sure but your probebly right hes changed alot....he had a long term girlfriend that my daughter really liked alot and became close to because she was the one there for her when her dad was at work or away during his time, but they broke up and so now they dont go to her house anymore they just stay at his he just got a new friend and has been hangin with her alot lately, my daughter met her and her kids and seems to like them but still she cried bloody murder when it was time to go...what do you think would help that i can do in the mean time? until i take her to therapy,,,?

Hello there, I am sorry about your dilemma. I think talking to your lawyer about your rights to not have him pick your daughter up when she does not want to go is probably the right thing to do. His circumstances changed and your daughter is probably feeling unstable when he has so many different people picking her up. Can you reason with your ex? Assure him that you are not taking your daughter away but until he can be there in a regular basis for her he needs to let you take care of her more often. If you can't reason with him tell him that you will not let her go if she is upset because it is traumatic to her. A therapist can help you figure out what is happening but I understand that you have a court order to go by. Your best option is to talk to a lawyer or a legal clinic about changing your custody agreement. Having a therapist at you side that suggests that spending so much time with dad is emotionally damaging when he is not stable will help you. Maybe you can't do nothing right now until you do something legally. Explain to your daughter that she can call you anytime. You can teach her how to call your number. Maybe checking in with her daily will give her more peace. Maybe checking in with the grandmother. She may not like the new girlfriend and feels strange about being there.

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