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TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5823
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I am married to a man who informed me he is gay. I dont know

Resolved Question:

I am married to a man who informed me he is gay. I dont know how to deal with this
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

It is understandable that you feel lost, upset or sad about your husband telling you he is gay. When you are married, you make assumptions that your partner is sexually compatible with you and very few people question this in their marriage. We may think that affairs are possible (though we hope not) but not a change in orientation. So suddenly hearing that your husband is no longer interested in women can be a shock.

However you feel about this news, it is ok to tell your husband that you feel that way. It is important that you have a chance to express yourself and have your side heard. Hopefully, your husband is willing to be understanding and supportive. He has just confronted you with some very surprising news, so he should expect you to react in some way.

Porn is never a good idea in a marriage. Porn often makes people feel cheated on and it is not healthy for anyone to see. There is no need for you to go along with your husband viewing porn. It will not help the situation anyway.

It is important that you and your husband decide how to move forward with this change in your relationship. Find out if he wants to stay married and if so, how you will work out how he feels. How will his change in orientation affect your life and his choices? It is also smart to see a counselor. You both need to talk about how you feel and what you want to do about this change in your relationship. To find a therapist, talk to your doctor about a referral. Or search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.

If you attend church, talk to your pastor. A pastor can offer support so you don't feel so alone.

Be sure to take care of yourself in this situation. There is a tendency to push aside how we feel because it is so painful and hard to cope. But being sure you are ok and allowing yourself to express your feelings will help you in the long run to come out of this feeling better.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

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