Thank you for saying I'm up beat, I've been trying hard not to give you negative every time I write. I have been feeling better, but especially down in the evenings, I edited my post to you twice last night to take out the miserable bits!! I've been missing talking to you, but I've been so tired, and not able to think straight, and I've not wanted to rush my childhood memories- a bit at a time, so I've been making a note here and there as I think about it.
I honestly don't know what has turned me around, but like I said on Thursday, I feel SO grateful to have YOU and K, that I feel cared for like never before. I feel I'm being mothered, and I feel cocooned and comfy (I'm crying with this thought). K was insistent on telling me how much better I was than when we first met a year ago (have you sussed out how we met?- I can't tell you), and she was careful to make me understand that I was depressed with a valid reason, and there will be a way out; that I could take whichever path I wanted, that there is no right or wrong path, but I will be supported however I choose.
Finding the HMP job brightened me a little, as it meant I could think beyond the stress
of the job I now have, to something new, albeit unknown territory, but I thought it might suit me, especially as I was looking towards mental health, this would be a good cross. It would be easier on my poorly body too, so that made me think positively.
Your enthusiasm of my poems warmed me greatly, and made me feel I am good at something, and have something I can share with others from within. My GP has seen me only as a wreck the last 2 years, and I wonder what she thinks. I emailed her my poems when I needed to tell her something last week, and I'm glad that she has seen a bit of me she will never see in the surgery. She said they are very clever- that made me look at them in a different way, and I saw more in them than I had realized. I also feel that she cares too.
The children have been OK this weekend. Sam has been out a lot, at work or his girlfriends. He had some friends here on Friday night, and they had a ritual burning of his toilet door that he had smashed in. I hope that now it has gone he won't be reminded of the anger that he prevailed against it as a result of Dave's windups (I have to also admit that being defeated at X-box games caused equal anger.) Sam was home for the evening yesterday and wanted to spend time in the house with us, and Dave being home for once caused uproar over TV channels!
I took Dave his coffee this morning at 9.30. I suggested, once he was up, that he started to look for a job considering he was working so little, working very part time, lying in bed half the morning on a work day. He told me that he's not sleeping
well, bc he's worrying, about why I'm not in his bed, about US. He stays in bed bc he's depressed, and I'm making him that way with my distance and coldness. I said are you not happy for me to be in my room, if it's what I need to be happier and feel better. Yes, but for how long, if once you're feeling better will you come back? I said I can't say. That he has known for a long time that I don't feel good towards him. He said that's when I was being a p*i*k, I'm trying now, I'm being nice. Yes, I say, only just, but it's been coming down on top of me for so long, it was such a heavy weight, it's taken me a YEAR of hard work to get to this point, I can't just change overnight and put it all to bed. I think it hit home, he changed the subject quickly.
Tonight Sam is out. Dave, home from the pub, is his usual in your face self. 10 mins and I'm gone. Now he has Irish jigs and reels (which I normally love) playing full volume upstairs, while I'm in my room, no escape if I wanted to. I was talking to Sam about his Sociology course this am in the car on the way to town (he missed the bus!) and he says they're learning about family units and role models. I carefully asked him if his lessons were making him think about his own family, which of course they are, but he didn't seem to want to discuss it. I talked to Poppy while out walking with her pony yesterday, and I asked her if she understood why I'm not good friends with Dad anymore. She said No, not really, but I just think she wants to hide from the truth.
It was nice to be out today. We went for coffee, then I was going to go home. When we were leaving she said oh, I didn't see your photos. She said lets get some bread and cheese at the supermarket and have lunch at hers. I really wanted to just go home, coffee and lunch being too much for me. But I made myself say yes, and we had a nice lunch, talking St Ives and poems (we studied English at College together!) She suggested 'Attrition' for my second poem, but it seems a bit too harsh to me. I'll think along those lines..........
Kids home from school time? Do yours start at some unearthly hour in the morning? K's daughter starts at 06.30! Ours start at 08.50 What a difference. Studies have shown that teens do better if allowed a lie in and start studying later in the morning- their body clocks are different to the younger and older (or is that just a lame excuse?)
Anyway, best let you get on.....
Rose. So good to be talking to you Kate :)