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My husband has been in a term affair of an inappropriate

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my husband has been in...
my husband has been in a long term affair of an inappropriate friendship, supposedly no sex, but did confide how he was unhappy with his marriage to her. he did console her, hug her, and kiss her, but "not with his "tongue",lol. her husband found a letter after he broke off communication with her. so he left me a copy of the letter and she basically asks him to leave me and his kids and give it a try with her? saying she knows how he doesn't love me and would be better off leaving me. I have asked him to leave for now, since I have zero trust in anything he says, I don't believe they didn't have sex, her husband says she admits to having a full blown affair for two years, ....what to do, how to mend, or just walk away...
Submitted: 6 years ago.Category: Mental Health
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10/4/2011
Mental Health Professional: TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist replied 6 years ago
TherapistMarryAnn
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,896
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

Before I can help further, I need to clarify your question.

Has your husband shown any remorse over this affair?

Is he interested in repairing your marriage?

Are there any children involved?

Kate

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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
we have 4 kids 4-17 he says he loves me and he doesn't want to lose me or leave, he says he was wrong to have an inappropriate friendship, but then the kissing part came out later, the story changes, he says the other women and her husband are crazy, and it's over with her, but if it is over, did it have to exist,yes, i don't believe him about no sex, cause he knows i would leave him. how do i tust him he destroyed all the texts and evidence
Mental Health Professional: TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist replied 6 years ago

It is very hard to trust when you are not even sure of what happened. And if he is not telling the truth, then he is not taking this seriously.

An affair of any type is breaking the marriage vows. Affairs undermine the trust of a relationship and without trust, your relationship falls apart. If your husband is not willing to tell the truth even now, then he is not serious about repairing the marriage. This is also evident by him destroying all the evidence. He is showing that he is worried about himself and the fact that he hid the truth in the situation.

The only way the marriage can ever work is if your husband is completely open and honest about the affair. He also must tell you what you want to know. And he must be available to you whenever you need reassurance that he is where he says he is.

He must also be motivated to regain your trust. He can do this through working towards repairing the damage he has done. The first step is ending all contact with this other woman. That means all texts, emails, phone calls or other contact. He must be willing to show you his phone and allow you access to his computer and messages.

The next step is to see a counselor. The counselor can help mediate how to repair your relationship. They can guide you and offer insights and suggestions on how to handle the bumpy road back to trust. To find a therapist, ask your doctor for a referral. If you attend church, your pastor may be able to help. Or you can search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.

Another step is for your husband to find out why he had this affair in the first place. It is common for the cheating spouse to try to blame the affair on the marriage or other spouse. But problems in a marriage are not solved by affairs. Affairs happen because the problem was mishandled by the cheating spouse and instead of facing it and resolving it, they took a self centered approach and cheated. So resolving the reason behind your husband's behavior will help prevent the behavior in the future.

You can also work on this at home. Here are some resources to help you:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David Lusterman

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli

Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona B. Subotnik and Gloria Harris

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

Take your time and see if your marriage can be repaired. Since there are children involved, it is worth the effort to try. If your husband does not participate, it may mean the end of the marriage. But if he is willing, then it is very possible for your marriage to survive.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

TherapistMarryAnn
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,896
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