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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5809
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate: I know its been a while but I was sick for a while and

Resolved Question:

I know its been a while but I was sick for a while and needed to have a spinal tap done. But I`m home now.
But now that I`m home, I am not allowed to over do it which means I have to rest a lot. That is not a good thing for me. Too much time to think.
I did bring up the time issue with my therapist though before I got sick. She told me that her medical appt. was a surprise to her too. So I guess that makes me feel better. But there was so much, too much silence as I was struggling with what to start with. I finally did though so I guess that`s something but I waste so much time.
What I don`t understand is that when I look in the mirror, I see someone I don`t want to be. I don`t want to be the person who was sexualy assaulted. I don`t know if I can handle being that person. I am disgusted with myself. I wonder if I can ever accept being the dirty assaulted person.
This is where the suicidal thoughts come in. There are many days that i just don`t have the will or energy to be part of the living world.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

Hi Kathy, it's good to hear from you.

I am sorry that you had to go through a spinal tap. That sounds painful and hard to go through. I hope your recovery is quick and easy.

It's great you brought up the time issue with your therapist. But what is important here is that you stood your ground, not how long it took you to say it. No one feels comfortable in that kind of situation, so focusing on how brave you were and how well you did facing this is more important.

This is also how you are viewing yourself when it comes to what happened to you. You are seeing yourself as the sexual assault. It has come to define you. But it is not who you are. You are not a dirty sexual assault victim. If I see you on the street, I see a person with all kinds of potential. I do not see someone who had something happen to her. It is only part of your past. You are a survivor and you are a complete person who has nothing to do with being assaulted. It happened to you, but it cannot define you unless you let it. And letting it win can be an option. But is it what you want? I imagine not. But you need to want to be whole and you have to want to put this behind you. That does not mean you will need to forget it. I don't think that is possible, for anyone. But shedding it like old skin and walking away and onward is an option. You just need to choose it. What do you think?


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