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Penny Rayas, MFT
Penny Rayas, MFT, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  I have 20 years experience in the mental health field
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Husband lies about everything, can never get a straight

Resolved Question:

Husband lies about everything, can never get a straight answer. Mad dogs me in public. Any hope he'll change
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 6 years ago.
Hello there and thanks for asking JA. Has your husband always lied about everything? How long have you being married? Have you talked to him about how his behavior affects you?
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
We've been married for 6 years. I have tried repeatedly to talk to him. He's good for about a day then reverts back. He lied to me about being in the service. He said he had a degree from UC Davis. He told me he owned a ranch and had millions of dollars in assets. He is still involved with his ex-fiancé and hired her to be his assistant at one of his jobs even though I asked him not to. Online affairs, emotional abuse etc. Why do I stay with this guy? I've tried to leave but always cave in and let him back. I initially trusted him. I feel conned and frustrated and I feel wimpy because I can't leave him.
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 6 years ago.

I think it is a good question to ask yourself. I wonder if your husband suffers from narcissistic personality disorder:

Here are some of the symptoms

  • Reacts to criticism with rage, shame, or humiliation
  • Takes advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goals
  • Has feelings of self-importance
  • Exaggerates achievements and talents
  • Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love
  • Has unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment
  • Requires constant attention and admiration
  • Disregards ***** ***** of others, lacks empathy
  • Has obsessive self-interest
  • Pursues mainly selfish goals.

Although some features of narcissistic personality disorder may seem like having confidence or strong self-esteem, it's not the same. Narcissistic personality disorder crosses the border of healthy confidence and self-esteem into thinking so highly of yourself that you put yourself on a pedestal. In contrast, people who have healthy confidence and self-esteem don't value themselves more than they value others.

When you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. You often monopolize conversations. You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior. You may have a sense of entitlement. And when you don't receive the special treatment to which you feel entitled, you may become very impatient or angry. You may insist on having "the best" of everything - the best car, athletic club, medical care or social circles, for instance.

But underneath all this behavior often lies a fragile self-esteem. You have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism. You may have a sense of secret shame and humiliation. And in order to make yourself feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and efforts to belittle the other person to make yourself appear better.

I think partners of Narcissists have a hard time leaving them because the Narcissists know how to give attention and make people feel very special when they need something. People often feel conned. You are not wimpy but I think you may be a very compationate person because Narcissists are attracted to compationate people who tolarete more than others. I think seeing a therapist would help you. Your husband has been emotionally abusive and that affected your self esteem.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Should I leave him? I
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 6 years ago.
I can't tell you if you should leave him because that is up to you, and I think you can't leave until your are ready to leave. I am not sure that he will change without any therapy. I think it is important for you to find out what makes you happy and probably see a therapist. If you want to stay you have to ask him to see a therapist a couples therapist.
Penny Rayas, MFT and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Well, thanks for your advice. Have a great weekend. Hope you can get some sleep.