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Mina, Clinical Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 188
Experience:  Working as a Highly Specialist Clinical Psychologist in NHS. Experience in both children and adults
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My 12 grand-daughter was molested by my husband for a little

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My 12 grand-daughter was molested by my husband for a little over a year. I think he married me to get close to my grand-daughter - I can see now that he began grooming her even before we married. When caught, he killed himself. In his suicide notes, he swore he only had 2 victims during his life.....his step-daughter when he was around 30...and my grand-daughter when he was 60. I find this very hard to believe. What do you think about this assertion? He said he turned to Madison because of our marriage problems....just as he turned to Natalie 30 years ago when her Mom had a affair. I didn't have an affair, but threatened to because soon after our marriage, he stopped all physical contact with me. Could I have unknowingly triggered something that caused him to want a child?
My grand-daughter is so confused! She says she misses him...still loves him. She thought they were boyfriend and girl friend. She doesn't see that she was victimized. She is seeing a therapist, but I am not sure it is helping. Her therapist is male. Everyone says she should be seeing a female. What do you think the gender is important?
Thanks for any advise you can offer me. Sheila

I am really sorry to hear what you have been through. It must have been devastating for you when you found out what happened and then coping with your husband's suicide. There are no easy words to put this I am afraid, but your husband was a pedophile as hard as it sounds. It is possible that he only molested these two girls, we will never know with certainty, however people usually write on their suicide notes what they really feel and think, so it could be true. So it appears that in his mind, his excuse for being a pedophile was the marital problems he had with you and his ex wife. And I am saying "in his mind" because this is how it is. It is only in his mind. Pedophilia is a psychiatric disorder and someone has it when he/she shows any sexual interest in children or the act of child sexual abuse. Therefore, you had nothing to do with his illness. If an adult has problems in his relationship then this adult may engage in other affairs with another adult. For someone to engage in sex with a child, this is a disorder. I hope you understand this and you relieve yourself from any guilt.
Talking about your grand daughter, it may be best to see a female therapist as she may find it easier to open up. But since she is engaging with him, I would suggest that you or her carer discussed this with him first and see what he feels. It also depends on how he works with her and what psychotherapy model he uses. It is very understandable for her to feel that they were in a relationship and this is why sexual abuse can be something that may take years to resolve if that. It is also possible that she may feel that she betrayed you by having a "relationship" with him or even that she feels angry with you for "cautching" him ad putting a stop to this unhealthy relationship.
You need to be prepared for these feelings. However, it sounds that you are doing all you can and you are a great support to her. I hope things will evolve better for all of you and your life gets a sense of normality again soon.

All the best to you

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