I was in a very passionate relationship with a sociopath who…

Hi! I believe I can be of help with this issue.

First, let me say I can imagine how frustrating this situation with your former boyfriend must be. You are concerned right now with getting "closure" and feeling a little better and at peace. My answer?

DON'T DO IT!!

Was that emphatic enough? (I hope that brought a smile to your face.)

You want a sense of peace. What I hear from those words as a psychologist is that you want to regain some sense of self worth in relationship to this sociopath. This is not the way to do it. It is like saying you're going to drink a little more in order to show that you've mastered overcoming alcoholism. Or, it's like saying that you're going to go into the lion's den again to show that you...what? The lion isn't going to snap your head off?

Just because he's in prison, he's lost his ability to be sociopathic and turn anything you say into something to his advantage? And if in that moment his advantage is to make you feel like 0, you think he can't? Or to get you to lie for him? So you think you can go in with a hungry lion and come out unscathed?

I want to share a conversation I once had with a prison psychologist to give you an idea of what it means to be a sociopath:

We got to what he does in the federal prison. He said he works with the hardest hard-core prisoners there are. I asked who those were. He said those are the prisoners who are sociopaths. I asked him if they were truly sociopath because that's not an easy diagnosis to get. He said that I'm right. That to get such a diagnosis and have it be accurate the person has to be truly someone who has no conscience. They will lie to you without an ounce of feeling about it. They will show an emotion but only if it gets them something they want. In the prison, he says, he cannot go into their cell alone. There always has to be at least one guard there because otherwise they might jump him when he turns his back.

This is so scary and I haven't told you everything he told me. But it sounds as though you truly had a run in with a true sociopath. So you know how I want you to feel better about yourself? How to be lighthearted and get some closure on this?

I want you to go to a Starbucks on a quiet evening, either by yourself or with a very close trusted friend. And to bring my answer along. And to drink a great Starbucks drink you like. And to read my answer again and then look out the window at whatever the scene is. And then look back at the cafe inside. And then look at the door that gets you in and out of the cafe. And then look and see how it's UNLOCKED and how you can go in and out at will. And then laugh and say: he may have fooled you for a while. But YOU are in a Starbucks having a great coffee. He's in jail!

This is the story of sociopaths. And this is how you win over them.

I wish you the very best!

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