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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5820
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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A online friend of mine seems to have these symtoms, he has

Customer Question

A online friend of mine seems to have these symtoms, he has trouble trusting, you can see he always has one eye brow raised and is looking for motive. Sometimes he will be caring and show emotions other times he wont I feel always hot and cold with his emotions. He seems to think usually he not at fault and doesnt really see flip side of the coin. He scared to be alone and wants lights on. He usally will turn situation back on me and use guilt trip tactics to make it seem as I was the uncaring one or wrong. He seems some what selfish or self centered. He has said he was told he has adhd but doesnt take pills no more. He says he types as he feels or says what comes to him at the time. After a argument is usally when he will say feelings of caring. Sometimes he will talk and share information other times he will act like just saying hes going out fishing is a secret or to his brothers. I find Im frustrated because I care so much for him yet he leaves me feeling like my head is spinning cause of all the different aspects. I'm the type of person that truly cares for a person and I give and give and give and have one of the biggest hearts and I love to listen to him when he does open up. I am bubbly outgoing always joking and we get along good that way. He truly loves to hang with me on our online game. If we argue and I say I cant  take it no more and maybe we should part way. He will say no, never. He seems more on selfish side, very paranoid with people knowing things about him or his life, but he will share when he feels he wants to. He seems to lack emotions, and he seems as well mistrust people and i notice he like to have schedule for going to bed like he will say i have 33 mins left and im middle of a convo he will say something totally random bout something else. Or when its past his time that he wanted to go to bed.. i could be in tears and he will say a few times im sorry i got to go its 2am. He has come trust me alot and care for me, but its like baby steps. He wont give me any other way to contact him other then online game we play and if tells something to a person in private he gets very upset if person is saying any sort of personal infomation. I know for a fact its nothing to do with him have a hidden relationship its more of paranoia ...he freaked out inside when i said i had googled him . I also wanted to say that the other night when one of our good friends told me she had talked to his brother that night as he was staying at above said house. He got upset and angry at fact that she had repeated this to me. I asked him why he was so upset when all she did was say she had talked to his brother. He felt she had betrayed his privacy and he would have to have a word with her. I couldnt understand why he was so upset over something so trivial. I asked him to please not say anything  as it would make me look bad. But he was so firm in the fact he had to say to her not to repeat things he felt were private even as silly as tihs seemed to me. I said if he cared about me like he says he would not get up with this friend cause obv it would upset me. And he said 2 times this sentence. "I must take care of myself before i can help others"...and i felt like it was robotic i dunno it just seemed odd that sentence..yet i felt like he was trying to say i need to do this for me and cant think of others in the equation not even if i care about you Sunny.

I care for him so much and i would kinda like to know what im dealing with is it adhd or personality disorder. please help~~

i care so much ..

Thank you from Sunny

Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

Hi Sunny, I'd like to help you with your question.

I think you are correct in assuming that this man may have a personality disorder. Whenever someone is controlling and dismissive of your feelings, even if it is just sometimes, it can mean they have a personality disorder.

Although it is hard to tell without talking to this person face to face, my guess would be that you are dealing with someone who at least has traits of narcissism. The controlling and the self centeredness are characteristics of narcissism. Here is a description of narcissism. Take a look at the symptoms to see if it fits your friend:

Another personality disorder he may have traits of Borderline personality disorder. People who play games with other people's feelings and have rapid fluctuating emotions may have this disorder. Here is a link to help you:

It also sounds like your friend has some fears. It could be that he is so protective of his personal life because he wants control, but he could also be fearful of getting hurt or he could have phobias. Being fearful of being alone and of the dark are both indications that he has signs of phobias but it is not for certain.

Your friend can have more than one disorder at a time. People can have a problem such as a phobia and also have a personality disorder with it.

If your friend does have a personality disorder, it may be something you need to adjust to if you choose to continue the relationship. Personalities disorders can be helped through therapy, but one, the person must see they have a problem and want help, and two, personality disorders are not easy to treat in therapy. They can be treated, it just takes a while to do so because of the insight needed by the person and the altering of their personality.

The best option for you is to learn what you can about your friend and the options you have for responding to his issues. Here is a helpful resource:

Once you know what you are dealing with, it will be easier to cope and know how to respond.

I hope this has helped you,

TherapistMarryAnn and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

I haven't heard from you. Did you have more questions or want clarification?


Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Hmm i guess i feel after reading the links that maybe partially he has some of narciss one but still not happy with answer fully. From what he has told me of putting piece together. I dont think hes had a very good life. He said his mom burned down thier house for insurance money and left her kids so she could go off with some guy she met on the internet and he has very stong mistrust issues and yes seems to have this big fear of people knowing personal stuff about him to the point of what a normal person would find ridiculous. His personality to me is like this he acts immature at times or has child like ways of dealing with issues and doesnt see like said flip side of coin, but the minute he feels he upset me, he will yes use guilt tactics ie like "well Im going to get off now since your mad at me." Or he will log in and out a few times and say oh interent disconnected. When really its just his way of making me feel bad or guilt tripping. He seems to say off the head type responses and doesnt really think about if they come across hurtful of not he just types what hes thinking, But yet he is afraid to lose me. Yet he almost expects to lose me because he feels everyone else in his life abandoned him . He says he trusts me and I guess I also wondering because he knows i care about him and always doing and giving him things in our online game. Would you feel when he says he cares about me and loves me which is a very rare thing for him to say. Does he really mean these things if he has personalitly disorders. Like if I say I missed you Aaron sometimes he will say it back and its almost like gold when he does because he does not really show emotion at all but rarely. Only when I have a talk with him will he say more deeper things. That why I say hes hot and cold...or do you think he cares for me more so cause i am doing things always for him. Like im clueless here.

I feel I am very special to him and he does have true feeling for me. But can a person with say a personailty disorder understand these feelings like a normal person?..I want to help him in any way I can obv online is limited to help. When he feels threatened that im asking to much info over such silly things any run of mill person would ask how can i make him understand its not about being snoopy but that its truly cause i care and want to help him. I realise he def has issues and trying to figure out what disorder it is he has and the one the most closey suited half of his personality was the bottom one of this order which i think was personality disorder or afraid of trusting people for fear of abandoment etc that is def one side of aaron. the other is inability to show much caring or emotion unless confronted with it. The other part being he seems very bright and wise to what people real intention might be..but yet leary looking for motives etc....he always seems to be hyper active and lacks attn...I honeslty feel he does care for me because i do like being with him etc but its almost like he makes me feel like im chasing him instead of him chasing me which i kinda consider to be mind games with me...and hes always doing thisngs like taking off making me find him on the game or guessing where he is.,.he contstantly does this everything is almost like a game somewhat to him or a test of some sort to see what ill do .. i find it hard to even type this my mind is so full of all the different things he does that even i cant comprhend what condition he may have. Thank you sorry to bug you again but one of the most importants answer I guess I want back as well is could he possibly have real true feeling for me if he has say paranoid and or personality disorders etc Thank you so much

Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

Yes, he certainly can care about you and love you even if he does have a personality disorder. Many people have such disorders and are involved in relationships.

The problem with having a relationship with someone who has a personality disorder is that they will continue to act out emotionally and try to manipulate the other person to get what they need. For example, instead of Aaron saying "I am lonely and want to know you love me" he will instead play games to get you to show you love him.

Most people with personality disorders do not have insight. They do not understand that the way they relate to others makes other people feel bad. It is how they learned to get what they need. If Aaron's mother was mentally ill (as it sounds like she was) Aaron did not get the steady love and attention he needed as a child, so he developed ways to get it by being manipulative.

If you are feeling manipulated by Aaron, then he probably has one of the personality disorders we talked about. Without examining him in person, however, and getting an idea of his symptoms as well as being able to view his behavior in person, it is very difficult to know exactly what is going on with him. It is much like calling your doctor and telling him/her your symptoms over the phone. The doctor can guess, but they really need to see you in person. It is why doctor's do not prescribe medications over the phone. They need to be sure of what you have before they prescribe. It is the same in mental health. Therapists cannot tell you over the internet what someone has. We can only give an educated guess.

I am sure Aaron, in his own way, loves you. But if you stay with him, be prepared to cope with his symptoms and different way of relating to you. You can certainly suggest he see a therapist to get help, but he most likely lacks the insight to know something is wrong with how he relates. He will understand that he loves you but he will be unable to relate it in a normal way.


Customer: replied 5 years ago.

So my last question before i accept answer and I thank you btw so much for your time.

If you had to pick and i realise u said he could have a few phobias ect within a disorder..

having huge mistrust, abandoment issues, being very closed off, lacking normal way people communicate to show emotions/feelings. and yes prob i believe this is cause be traumatic experiences. When I see his picture hes a huge boy forsure estimatiting at like 300 lbs and almost has look like a touch of what i think is a tad look in his face of downsyndrome although totally could not be. but with all I have said what is the main disorder you feel Aaron has just in ur own estimation. And honeslty ty so much this has been helpful .

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
oh oh one more question what if i reversed the tactic he using on me and flipped it so i make him think im tired of it and say I need to think things over....would his personailty u think make get scared of losing me or would he umm just move on and wont come chase me back to him?
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

I am sorry, but the ideas I gave you are the best I can guess over the internet and with third person information. It would be unethical for me to say I know for sure what he has since I do not, and to do so without a direct evaluation.

You can certainly try to reverse the tactic on him, but most likely it will backfire. He needs the treatment of a professional to work his issues through in order for anything to be effective. You are trying to work with someone who has had years of practice and much damage to get him to react the way he does. Reversing his behaviors and putting them back on him is not going to change him. Treatment will, if he is willing. You might want to put your energies into encouraging him to see a therapist or at least his doctor for a better idea of what is going on with him.


Customer: replied 5 years ago.

im alittle confused atm does it show i payed you i thought i hit but kinda feel unsure if i did it right


Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

Yes, you did pay for the first answer. It is always optional to pay for additional answers, but it is not necessary.


Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Okies ty again fo your time you have given me much to read and think about and i appreciate your help today. ~Have a great day~


Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

Thank you, ***** *****