Mental Health

Have Mental Health Questions? Ask a Psychiatrist Online

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

Mental Health
This answer was rated:

I'm having serious doubts about my marriage (4 years

together 7) that really started...
I'm having serious doubts about my marriage (4 years together 7) that really started the end of last week and hit me hard this weekend. My husband (31), is great, a great dad and we are able to hang out together. But there are three main issues:
1. I feel like we are more friends than lovers. I have been "talking" myself into wanting to have sex with him, even though he is very good looking, good hygiene, etc. But I get turned on when I think of other people I know. I have done so much for him to make him feel special, I do things to try to flirt, etc. But it ends in me doing all of the errands, me getting denied when I flirt, and just disappointed.
2. I feel trapped. I grew up in the marines, moving around every few years. We ended up in a suburb where I finished out high school where I first met my husband. We went out separate ways, I went to college, he worked. Then after college, we got back in touch and it went from there, living in a town home in the same town we went to high school. But he has a son (10) from a previous relationship and 50/50 custody, so we can't move to far away. He is out of a job right now and he has been so difficult because he is basing everything on time versus what is best. Anytime I look for a different job that makes more, he gets turned off when he learns how far of a drive it is. I have turned down opportunities to go out with friends because he gets moody and just wants to relax. When I have pushed him out of his comfort zone (like going to a county fair with one of my friends), he is moody and dreads it all week, then the day of, he puts on a show, but goes right back to being moody in the car ride home.
3. I feel like I need to take care of him. During his unemployment, he has needed my help applying for jobs or calls me at work to apply for a job for him because he is too busy. I had to nag him to get him to apply for school and then once accepted, he waited until the last weekend to test and register. And he is sick with something all of the time. Some things are valid, but he constantly thinks he is having a heart attack.
I don't know if this is something that I should just get over and everything will work itself out, or if it is better if we talk this out (whenever I do, he turns it back on him how he is doing everything for this family, etc.), or if I should find a way to call it quits. When we get into arguments, he has threatened divorce and then apologizes for it the next morning. I feel like if I talk to him about this, it will be an all or nothing. But at the same time, I'm not sure if that is what I want.
Is this a normal part of marriage?
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Mental Health Question
Answered in 33 minutes by:
9/20/2011
TherapistMarryAnn
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,896
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Verified

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like you feel your marriage is based on you making your husband happy but that your needs are not being addressed. Although this does happen in marriages, it usually makes one or both partners unhappy.

You are making a good effort to be there for your husband. You are helping him and trying to keep your sex life going. But I wonder about the effort he is making. If he is not reciprocating your feelings, then you are going to be left feeling alone and not cared about.

You mentioned your husband is moody. Has he always been this way or is this new since he lost his job? Either way, you can suggest to him that he visit his doctor for an exam to be sure there is nothing wrong. If he is healthy, then counseling would help him figure out why he feels so moody and what he can do about it. If he will not go, explain to your husband that his mood is affecting you and the marriage and that you need him to address this problem.

To find a therapist, your husband can talk with his doctor. Or he can search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.

You may also want to see the therapist together. A therapist can help you both come together and figure out how you can make each other a priority. You are already working on this with your husband, but he needs to learn to do the same for you.

When you talk to your husband, suggest that the two of you work out a compromise about responsibilities. For example, you want to move because that is what you are used to. But your husband has a son that he does not want to leave. A compromise would be to find a new home, but within a certain radius, such as 20 or 30 miles. He gives a little, and you get what you need. Then talk about making changes once your husband's son is of age. That will help you feel less trapped.

Also, when you talk with your husband, give him a list of your needs. Tell him that you are feeling the need to have him pay more attention to you and that you would like to work on this together. Use a gentle and understanding tone with him, but also stress the importance of your needs being met. Resist pointing out that you do for him now it's his turn to do for you. But do stress that you love him and want to spend more time with him. You want to know how he feels about you and you would like to see that expressed in what he does.

Learn more about communication and compromise. The more you know, the easier it will be to address this problem. Here are some resources:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201002/marriage-problems-how-communication-techniques-can-make-the

Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict by Jonathan Robinson

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last by John Gottman

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

TherapistMarryAnn
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,896
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Verified
TherapistMarryAnn and 87 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Ask TherapistMarryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,896
5,896 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.

TherapistMarryAnn is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much

Corrie MollPretoria, South Africa

I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well!

ClaudiaAlbuquerque, NM

Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion.

KevinBeaverton, OR

Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
I feel better already! Thank you.

ElanorTracy, CA

Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem.

JulieLockesburg, AR

You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions.

John and StefanieTucson, AZ

I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!!

Janet VPhoenix, AZ

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

Dr. Keane

Dr. Keane

Therapist

1,379 satisfied customers

Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.

TherapistMarryAnn

TherapistMarryAnn

Therapist

5,896 satisfied customers

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.

Dr. Olsen

Dr. Olsen

Psychologist

2,336 satisfied customers

PsyD Psychologist

Norman M.

Norman M.

Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA

2,246 satisfied customers

ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.

Dr. Michael

Dr. Michael

Psychologist

2,177 satisfied customers

Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.

Steven Olsen

Steven Olsen

Therapist

1,728 satisfied customers

More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education

Anna

Anna

Mental Health Professional

1,656 satisfied customers

Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.

< Previous | Next >

Related Mental Health Questions
OKMH1130211 Hiw can I handle stress better especially when I
OKMH1130211 Hiw can I handle stress better especially when I have several situations in my life which are overwhelming and seems impossible?… read more
Linda D.
Linda D.
Master\u0027s Degree
794 satisfied customers
I feel stressed, I don't know if my stress levels are normal
Hello , I feel stressed , I don't know if my stress levels are normal or do I need to seek medical help … read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
767 satisfied customers
Can stress in the workplace cause indigestion, stomach upset
Can stress in the workplace cause indigestion, stomach upset and bloating? … read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
767 satisfied customers
I have a new job. It's highly stressful and I work hours
I have a new job. It's highly stressful and I work long hours sometimes 15 a day. I'm starting to have what I think are panic stacks. What do I do? … read more
Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik
PSYCHIATRIST ( MD Psychiatry)
Doctoral Degree
204 satisfied customers
I'm going through a stressful period and would like some
I'm going through a stressful period and would like some relief from stress & pain, … read more
DrRussMD
DrRussMD
56,955 satisfied customers
I'm writing because I'm in a very stressful upsetting
Hi,I'm writing because I'm in a very stressful upsetting relationship, and I need to make sense of it. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. He is an angry guy by nature. I think he's a bit narci… read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
767 satisfied customers
I want to stop using cilift 40 mg for post pardom stress
Good day. I want to stop using cilift 40 mg for post pardom stress disorder. Because I think it is the reason for my weight gain. Is it possible for weight gain Thank you… read more
Linda D.
Linda D.
Master\u0027s Degree
794 satisfied customers
I am recently divorced, working a stressful job, have over
I am recently divorced, working a stressful job, have over an hour drive each way to work in rush hour traffic, and worry a lot about things to the point of not having an appetite. I cycle to try to a… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
What can I do to un-stress? I've painted my nails for the
What can I do to un-stress? I've painted my nails for the first time in ages, and my husband has court RIGHT NOW. I am just wishing for his wellness, and ours as a family. It's for him assaulting me, … read more
Dr. Phil, MD
Dr. Phil, MD
Internal Medicine Physician
Doctoral Degree
2,677 satisfied customers
I am stressing out at work because I work for a covert
I am stressing out at work because I work for a covert bully. He is a sociopath. He has made my life hell for two months. I am. Losing sleep and I carry stress in the pit of my stomach. I haven't been… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
OKMH710211 If stress is too high, how do you meditate enough
OKMH710211 If stress is too high, how do you meditate enough to get more than an hour of sleep at a time?… read more
Patience
Patience
Mental Health Therapist
Master\u0027s Degree
116 satisfied customers
I I'm going through extreme stressful situation right now.
I I'm going through extreme stressful situation right now. My doctor prescribed valium to relax me but I have been on Paxil for many years. I get the sleep but wake up all adgitated. Ant ideas?? … read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
767 satisfied customers
I've been under a lot of stress lately, and I'm hearing
I've been under a lot of stress lately, and I'm hearing voices that aren't really voices, they're there. They imply feelings of anger and frustration. And the only thing that comes to mind is "money i… read more
Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie
Masters, Professional Psychology
5 satisfied customers
I have some stress because of my older sister Shazmin Lalji
Hi my name is***** have some stress because of my older sister Shazmin Lalji and her family. She always want to compete and it seems she can be skinny sometimes and other times she can be fat sometime… read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
767 satisfied customers
I am really under a lot of stress while at work. Denied
Denied promotional opportunities, retaliated against st. I went to the Dr on friday … read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
767 satisfied customers
Having so much stress with family I feel the I can't breath
Having so much stress with family I feel the I can't breath I don't have the patience for all there issues the they're having in there personal life!.. … read more
Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark
Doctoral Degree
129 satisfied customers
OKMH112211 POSTANSWER ive been stressing out for weeks now.
OKMH112211 POSTANSWER ive been stressing out for weeks now. I was working as a caregiver and my patient died day after christmas. My parents are mving out of california and my grandma needs to stay in… read more
Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie
Masters, Professional Psychology
5 satisfied customers
Ive been really stressed out recently and have on a few days
Hi ive been really stressed out recently and have on a few days taken my sertraline about 8 hours late. Ive been really tearful again recently, is this because of the late doses do you think and feeli… read more
Dr. Phil, MD
Dr. Phil, MD
Internal Medicine Physician
Doctoral Degree
2,677 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x