Mental Health

Have mental health questions? Ask a psychiatrist online

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

This answer was rated:

My wife got a WE-VIBE, used for couples to use while

my wife got a WE-VIBE...
my wife got a WE-VIBE, vibrator used for couples to use while intercourse..I saw a cord in her drawer, so I looked. She never told me she got it. she said she won a raffle at a lingerie store, and didnt know it was for couples. We have bought a few sex toys over our 24 yr marriage. I am concerned she did not share this with me. Your thoughts please.
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Mental Health Question
Answered in 28 minutes by:
9/7/2011
Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4,627
Experience: PsyD, LPC, CHt
Verified

Hi,

What she had told you may be the truth. She may have not intended to use it at all or at least not use it at this time (whether with you or by herself)

The fact that she omitted to tell you about it does not have to be in itself indicative of another motive such as cheating. She could also use it when you're not there (something many women do and not always tell their partners about it the same way when men self stimulate/pleasure themselves do not account for this to their partners)

She's left it in her draw after all instead of some place where it would have been more difficult to find even if you were looking.

Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4,627
Experience: PsyD, LPC, CHt
Verified
Dr. Rossi and 87 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Customer reply replied 6 years ago
are you available now?

Hi again,

not right now but feel free to post a question if you want and I will check later on and reply. Tx

Ask Your Own Mental Health Question
Customer reply replied 6 years ago
my wife got a WE-VIBE, 8 months ago, vibrator for couples to use while intercourse(can use alone too)..I saw a cord in her drawer, 2 weeks ago, so I looked. She never told me she got it. she said she won a raffle at a lingerie store 8 months ago, and didnt know it was for couples. We have bought a few sex toys over our 24 yr marriage and enjoyed them. I am concerned she did not share it with me in past 8 months so we could use it together.

I asked her if we can use it..she said no not now. So 2 weeks has gone by and we were making love 2 days ago...she had climaxed and i had not yet...I asked if we could use the VIBE...she said no "I dont want to"... I said "come on I want to try it"..So she got it and we used it. I was using a condom. I have been 'pulling out' for 9 years now since our last child. Neither one of us will get 'fixed'. I just started using a condom again after 9 yrs. Well..the condom broke! My wife got very mad and started to cry. We do not want any more children. She has considered the Morning After Pill, but decided today not to take it along with her doctors advice (she is 48 I am 53) I knew this day might happen but she hasnt wanted to use a diaphram or IUD, as we discussed in the past.

So I am away for 2 days on business...we talked on the phone a hour ago. She is still very upset...and gets back to telling me that I didnt listen to her NOT to use the VIBE. My wife holds onto many things I have done over 24 years. WE were both in the heat of sex and we could have checked the condom..etc.

1) she would not tell me why she didnt want to use the sex toy...Just NO.
2) my wife holds onto many things I have said or done in the Past to I my mind keeps her distant from me at certain levels of our relationship.
I have suggested she seek help with holding onto the Past...but still has not done so.
3) now I am away from home...thinking about this... She said No, but I asked again and she accommodated me, so now is pissed at me...my fault
4) my wife says no to me many times for various things, and its no, I take the no, no problem. but sometimes a no is weak and is a not really...and in this case it was sex toy she has been keeping for months...and she got it for me.
WHAT SAY YOU? THANK YOU.

Even if both of you had checked the condom, there is no guarantee that it would have not broken (it was an accident) She also decided on her own not to take the morning after pill; why only she knows? She had also decided against other birth control (and there are many other options from the shot to the ring) That is why they have that option.

About the vibrator- there are many reasons because of which she may have not wanted to use it- a/ not wanting to break the spontaneity, b/ she had tried it and does not like how it feels c/she wanted a more "authentic experience" without it d/she said not as a teaser or e/she just was not in the mood for spicing it up with something else and f/any other possibility which she may or may not be fully aware of.

She can blame you or be PO about many things. People generally find it safer/easier to attribute a cause for their own state of min in this case, it's you (or at least you perceive that is what she's doing) But, she may not be really upset at you 100%. She may be upset about other things or upset at herself and it is safer to displace that frustration onto you.

Ask Your Own Mental Health Question
Customer reply replied 6 years ago
how to get my wife to let go of the past so she can move forward and not hold onto hurt? It is so tough on our relationship.

You per se won't be able to get her to do anything she does not want to do. But, you can help her see how her holding onto the past is affecting. You may start by speaking to her of some fond memories (things you both did and enjoyed, relationship goals that were met, hopes that you created, etc) Then, you'd want to find out what she is thinking and experiencing - you want to see this side of the it from her point of view. She will most likely react to what is true to her (you don't have to agree or disagree with her simply allow her to tell her story) Then, if you do not understand why she will feel one thing or another, you ask her to help you understand, ask her what she believes can make things better, ask her does holding onto the past help serve a purpose to her, and then, you ask her what does she believe will help make things in the marriage better (what your role and hers as well is to be) After that, the two of you can make plans about how to take it from there. Counseling is a good idea and besides individual therapy, couple's counseling may be something she'd be more open to. You can share that you're open to self improvement people do all through life and marriage is not any different - it needs ongoing work. So, when you speak with her, you'd act as a collaborator and asking her to help you come up with a doable plan to which both of you then will commit. You can point out to her that you've already made the commitment to one another when you married and you want to take the marriage to the next level (ensuring it is a healthy one)

Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4,627
Experience: PsyD, LPC, CHt
Verified
Dr. Rossi and 87 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Was this answer helpful?

How JustAnswer works

step-image
Describe your issueThe assistant will guide you
step-image
Chat 1:1 with a mental health professionalLicensed Experts are available 24/7
step-image
100% satisfaction guaranteeGet all the answers you need
Ask Dr. Rossi Your Own Question
Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4,627
4,627 Satisfied Customers
Experience: PsyD, LPC, CHt

Dr. Rossi is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much

Corrie MollPretoria, South Africa

I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well!

ClaudiaAlbuquerque, NM

Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion.

KevinBeaverton, OR

Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
I feel better already! Thank you.

ElanorTracy, CA

Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem.

JulieLockesburg, AR

You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions.

John and StefanieTucson, AZ

I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!!

Janet VPhoenix, AZ

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

Dr. Keane

Dr. Keane

Therapist

1,379 satisfied customers

Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.

TherapistMaryAnn

TherapistMaryAnn

Therapist

4,101 satisfied customers

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.

Dr. Olsen

Dr. Olsen

Psychologist

2,336 satisfied customers

PsyD Psychologist

Norman M.

Norman M.

Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA

2,246 satisfied customers

ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.

Dr. Michael

Dr. Michael

Psychologist

2,177 satisfied customers

Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.

Steven Olsen

Steven Olsen

Therapist

1,728 satisfied customers

More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education

Anna

Anna

Mental Health Professional

1,656 satisfied customers

Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.

< Previous | Next >

Related Mental Health Questions
My wife lies about masterbation says only does it when I'm
My wife lies about masterbation says only does it when I'm working away for months I know that's not true. She did less than a week after we had sex and oral on her and then she will turn me down givi… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
961 satisfied customers
OK since my wife admitted to me that she had an affair, I've
OK since my wife admitted to me that she had an affair, I've asked her if we can move on and start a new relationship. I've asked my wife last night if she knows what she wants ... like staying marrie… read more
TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn
Therapist
Master's Degree
4,101 satisfied customers
I like wearing women s lingerie and think of having sex as a
I like wearing women s lingerie and think of having sex as a women. I have not done so, but have gone to some places and have had them use dildos in me. What am I looking for? Why do I do this?… read more
Penny Rayas, MFT
Penny Rayas, MFT
Family Therapist
Master\u0027s Degree
394 satisfied customers
Is it normal that my wife and I don't have oral sex? We used
Good morning. Is it normal that my wife and I don't have oral sex? We used to prior to marriage but have not done it for our almost 5 year marriage. She thinks its dirty and I don't enjoy doing it on … read more
Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi
Psychotherapist
4,627 satisfied customers
During intercourse, my wife wants to perform oral sex and
During intercourse, my wife wants to perform oral sex and demands I put myself in her mouth. She also states she doesn't want me to stop satisfying her with intercourse. She often comments I should ha… read more
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Adjunct Professor
Master's Degree
1,014 satisfied customers
My wife and I have been married for 36 years. Our sex life
My wife and I have been married for 36 years. Our sex life has always been pretty ok, but my sex drive has always been higher than hers and I have almost always been the initiator and willing to exper… read more
Dr. Olsen
Dr. Olsen
Psychologist
Doctoral Degree
2,336 satisfied customers
If you've had an affair, what is the best strategy for
If you've had an affair, what is the best strategy for confessing to your wife. Should you leave out certain details. Is it important to disclose everything including exact number of times for each in… read more
Brad The Therapist
Brad The Therapist
Doctoral Degree
550 satisfied customers
Bear with me, this is going to be a one. My wife and I are
Bear with me, this is going to be a long one. My wife and I are both in our mid forties. She has had a hysterectomy over six years ago for preventative reasons. Her mom died of ovarian cancer. We have… read more
Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark
Doctoral Degree
129 satisfied customers
My wife and I have been married eight years. She recently
My wife and I have been married eight years. She recently told me that she has been unhappy in the bedroom for the last 5 1/2 years. When she originally said something about this, I asked her if she w… read more
Penny Rayas, MFT
Penny Rayas, MFT
Family Therapist
Master\u0027s Degree
394 satisfied customers
My wife has lost interest in sex. we have not had sex on a
my wife has lost interest in sex. we have not had sex on a regular basis for almost 5 years. we talked about this recently and she said that she just doesn't think about it or want it anymore. she rea… read more
Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark
Doctoral Degree
129 satisfied customers
My wife got a WE-VIBE, 8 months ago, for couples to use
my wife got a WE-VIBE, 8 months ago, vibrator for couples to use while intercourse(can use alone too)..I saw a cord in her drawer, 2 weeks ago, so I looked. She never told me she got it. she said she … read more
MN Psychiatrist
MN Psychiatrist
Psychiatrist
Doctor of Medicine
791 satisfied customers
My wife and i are currently separted after coming through a
Hi My wife and i are currently separted after coming through a very emotional period. We both in our early 30's and have been together for 13 years, married for 4. We have recently (2 years) ago moved… read more
Brad The Therapist
Brad The Therapist
Doctoral Degree
550 satisfied customers
I am married for a year and half now, from the start our sex
I am married for a year and half now, from the start our sex life was not healthy and may be because of that our physical intimacy was also bad. THis was the problem, my husband tries sex once/twice a… read more
Mark Manley
Mark Manley
133 satisfied customers
I've posted the thread That will give you an idea of what is
Hi, I've posted the thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/18133-engaged-worried.html That will give you an idea of what is happening in my relationship at the moment. I just need to know th… read more
Arundhati
Arundhati
Practicing Psychotherapist
Master\u0027s Degree
259 satisfied customers
My wife and i have been married for 27 yrs. we had a child
My wife and i have been married for 27 yrs . we had a child and her episiotomy was bouched. we basically didnt have sex for 23 yrs. she finally found a dr that prescribed numbing med. works great . he… read more
Dr. Olsen
Dr. Olsen
Psychologist
Doctoral Degree
2,336 satisfied customers
Dr I've listened and done everything you and the therapist
Dr Michael I've listened and done everything you and the therapist has said and we have made progress. I have a fear of failing and I don't want it to happen in my relationship also. My wife has compr… read more
Dr. Michael
Dr. Michael
Psychologist
Doctoral Degree
2,177 satisfied customers
Interesting situation. I am 60 and my wife 41. Recently,
Interesting situation. I am 60 and my wife 41. Recently, while letting fantasy get a little wild in our minds, I suggested my wife my enjoy two lovers, or a threesome, as she is highly sexual. Great a… read more
Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi
Psychotherapist
4,627 satisfied customers
What does it mean when my wife refuses to talk to me after
What does it mean when my wife refuses to talk to me after questioning her about an affair she is having… read more
Carol Kryder LMFT
Carol Kryder LMFT
Private Practice
Master\u0027s Degree
802 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x