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My wife got a WE-VIBE, used for couples to use while

my wife got a WE-VIBE...
my wife got a WE-VIBE, vibrator used for couples to use while intercourse..I saw a cord in her drawer, so I looked. She never told me she got it. she said she won a raffle at a lingerie store, and didnt know it was for couples. We have bought a few sex toys over our 24 yr marriage. I am concerned she did not share this with me. Your thoughts please.
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Answered in 28 minutes by:
9/7/2011
Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4,627
Experience: PsyD, LPC, CHt
Verified

Hi,

What she had told you may be the truth. She may have not intended to use it at all or at least not use it at this time (whether with you or by herself)

The fact that she omitted to tell you about it does not have to be in itself indicative of another motive such as cheating. She could also use it when you're not there (something many women do and not always tell their partners about it the same way when men self stimulate/pleasure themselves do not account for this to their partners)

She's left it in her draw after all instead of some place where it would have been more difficult to find even if you were looking.

Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4,627
Experience: PsyD, LPC, CHt
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
are you available now?

Hi again,

not right now but feel free to post a question if you want and I will check later on and reply. Tx

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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
my wife got a WE-VIBE, 8 months ago, vibrator for couples to use while intercourse(can use alone too)..I saw a cord in her drawer, 2 weeks ago, so I looked. She never told me she got it. she said she won a raffle at a lingerie store 8 months ago, and didnt know it was for couples. We have bought a few sex toys over our 24 yr marriage and enjoyed them. I am concerned she did not share it with me in past 8 months so we could use it together.

I asked her if we can use it..she said no not now. So 2 weeks has gone by and we were making love 2 days ago...she had climaxed and i had not yet...I asked if we could use the VIBE...she said no "I dont want to"... I said "come on I want to try it"..So she got it and we used it. I was using a condom. I have been 'pulling out' for 9 years now since our last child. Neither one of us will get 'fixed'. I just started using a condom again after 9 yrs. Well..the condom broke! My wife got very mad and started to cry. We do not want any more children. She has considered the Morning After Pill, but decided today not to take it along with her doctors advice (she is 48 I am 53) I knew this day might happen but she hasnt wanted to use a diaphram or IUD, as we discussed in the past.

So I am away for 2 days on business...we talked on the phone a hour ago. She is still very upset...and gets back to telling me that I didnt listen to her NOT to use the VIBE. My wife holds onto many things I have done over 24 years. WE were both in the heat of sex and we could have checked the condom..etc.

1) she would not tell me why she didnt want to use the sex toy...Just NO.
2) my wife holds onto many things I have said or done in the Past to I my mind keeps her distant from me at certain levels of our relationship.
I have suggested she seek help with holding onto the Past...but still has not done so.
3) now I am away from home...thinking about this... She said No, but I asked again and she accommodated me, so now is pissed at me...my fault
4) my wife says no to me many times for various things, and its no, I take the no, no problem. but sometimes a no is weak and is a not really...and in this case it was sex toy she has been keeping for months...and she got it for me.
WHAT SAY YOU? THANK YOU.

Even if both of you had checked the condom, there is no guarantee that it would have not broken (it was an accident) She also decided on her own not to take the morning after pill; why only she knows? She had also decided against other birth control (and there are many other options from the shot to the ring) That is why they have that option.

About the vibrator- there are many reasons because of which she may have not wanted to use it- a/ not wanting to break the spontaneity, b/ she had tried it and does not like how it feels c/she wanted a more "authentic experience" without it d/she said not as a teaser or e/she just was not in the mood for spicing it up with something else and f/any other possibility which she may or may not be fully aware of.

She can blame you or be PO about many things. People generally find it safer/easier to attribute a cause for their own state of min in this case, it's you (or at least you perceive that is what she's doing) But, she may not be really upset at you 100%. She may be upset about other things or upset at herself and it is safer to displace that frustration onto you.

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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
how to get my wife to let go of the past so she can move forward and not hold onto hurt? It is so tough on our relationship.

You per se won't be able to get her to do anything she does not want to do. But, you can help her see how her holding onto the past is affecting. You may start by speaking to her of some fond memories (things you both did and enjoyed, relationship goals that were met, hopes that you created, etc) Then, you'd want to find out what she is thinking and experiencing - you want to see this side of the it from her point of view. She will most likely react to what is true to her (you don't have to agree or disagree with her simply allow her to tell her story) Then, if you do not understand why she will feel one thing or another, you ask her to help you understand, ask her what she believes can make things better, ask her does holding onto the past help serve a purpose to her, and then, you ask her what does she believe will help make things in the marriage better (what your role and hers as well is to be) After that, the two of you can make plans about how to take it from there. Counseling is a good idea and besides individual therapy, couple's counseling may be something she'd be more open to. You can share that you're open to self improvement people do all through life and marriage is not any different - it needs ongoing work. So, when you speak with her, you'd act as a collaborator and asking her to help you come up with a doable plan to which both of you then will commit. You can point out to her that you've already made the commitment to one another when you married and you want to take the marriage to the next level (ensuring it is a healthy one)

Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4,627
Experience: PsyD, LPC, CHt
Verified
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Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4,627
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