I have been with my husband 12 years (married for 6 and

Question

I have been with my husband 12 years (married for 6 and living together 11). We
have one lovely daughter and now have secondary infertility. The medical advice
is that there is a very small chance that we will conceive naturally. We have
both taken the news badly but my husband feels very angry that I asked him to
get tested) We have been trying for a second child for over 2 years and I want
IVF but he has said that he doesn't want IVF. More recently he said that he
would agree to IVF eventually but doesn't feel our relationship is strong
enough. I feel like he won't make full commmittment to me and build on our
future. I wanted a small age gap and 2 years on I still have no commitment. We
have got into a rut where we both make each other unhappy and we are often
unkind to each other. We argue constantly and both feel angry. We have always
argued badly but our physical attraction and underlaying love always brings us
back. However I feel like I did [/topics-did/] make a mistake marrying him and
I'm trying to make an effort to make it work. Despite him saying he wants to
stay with me he is not putting any effort into the relationship. We are growing
apart because we can't agree on anything so his answer is just to take it in
turn to make decisions rather than talk and to do things separtely. I feel like
this is not a partnership. He puts me down all the time, he doesn't want me to
work and he nags me constantly. He gets angry when I try to confront our
problems saying that talking doesn't help so refuses to talk telling me that I'm
just ruining the day by starting an argument. I keep thinking that a break away
would do us good but he never wants anyone else to look after our daughter and
says he just wants to be with her or have the 3 of us. But I wish we could have
some fun for one weekend. I feel so undervalued and unloved. Every time I
organise a nice day out we argue without fail and I can't remember the last time
we had fun together. I recently started having strong feelings for someone at
work. He is also unhappily married and says he would love to be with me. He
adores me and is a a lovely man. He has been married 10 years and has never been
unfaithful to anyone. He wants children but his wife doesn't. I can't stop
thinking about him. I desperately wish I could stop and turn my mind off. We
went for a lunchtime walk and ended up cuddling (no more) but I felt so cared
for and loved and realised that is what I am missing. He is very respectful and
we have both acknowledged that we can't act on our attraction. I just want to
feel like my husband loves me and wants me. I feel so empty and alone and need
someone I can have fun with at home. My husband is the best dad. I have had 7
councelling sessions but feel even more confused as a result. I realised that I
dislike some parts of my hubands character (work ethic, unforgiving to others).
I desperately want things to work. My husband refuses to go to couple
councilling. Is it wrong to go ahead with IVF when I'm having these doubts or
could a second child cement our relationship. I have thought about leaving my
husband but I have so much to lose as I no longer feel independent and it will
distrupt my daughter. However my daughter is definitely picking up on the
atmosphere and my unhappyness. I cry a lot. What can I do?

Ask Eleanor · Accepted Answer

Ask Eleanor :

Hello, I am here for you and am very sorry to hear all of this. Before I answer
your question, please tell me why being in therapy has confused you, dear.

JACUSTOMER-80sygeiw- :

I started off thinking that it was the absence of a second child that is making
me unhappy. I was looking for coping strategies of how to accept that I may not
have more children and move on and be happy. I now feel like the therapy has
shown me that it is my marriage that is making me unhappy. One day I decide I'm
going toleave my husband. The next I decide I can make it work. My honest heart
wants to go as I believe I may be happier and my husband may eventually be
happier too.

Ask Eleanor :

Thank you for your response. While it is painful to realize that your marriage
is not healthy, it is important to know this before you have another child. I am
struck by the fact that your husband says he does not want to have IVF because
he does not believe your marriage is strong enough, but he will do nothing to
work on your marriage, including going to couples counseling. Does this confuse
you?

JACUSTOMER-80sygeiw- :

Yes very much so. I wonder if is is unbearable for him to talk to people. His
home was broken and it is his greatest fear that he will do the same to his
children. He says that we don't need to talk about things we just need to have
fun but I can't have fun while this is on my mind!

Ask Eleanor :

How do you believe he would react if you told him that you are very unhappy and
are thinking of a separation unless he will agree to go to couples therapy with
you to work on your relationship?

JACUSTOMER-80sygeiw- :

I have said this and he says he would rather go our separate ways if we can't
resolve things ourselves. I guess I have the choice of saying I'm going unless
you do it but it is a big risk. He will say that I am blackmailing him. He also
said I'm a bad advert for counselling as I have got more and more unhappy since
going myself.

Ask Eleanor :

I know it is scary, but I believe you need to call his bluff. If his greatest
fear is breaking up the family, then he will probably agree to counseling when
he believes you are serious. He may be afraid of therapy, but his fear of
acutally losing his family life may be greater. And if he will not agree, then
that will the you that he is definitely not committed to having a healthy
relationship with you and things will only get worse. In the latter case, having
another child will not help. Do you have any further questions, dear?

JACUSTOMER-80sygeiw- :

If I call his bluff and we end up separating do you think our daughter will
suffer badly. She is almost 3 and adores daddy and mummy

JACUSTOMER-80sygeiw- :

Also I felt like you get out of the councilling what you put in. Will a
councellor be able to help him if he doesn't want help?

Ask Eleanor :

As I am not your family therapist and have not seen you in person, I really
cannot make a good prediction for you. I will point out that you already feel
that your daughter is picking up the on the negative atmosphere in the home. A
good marriage and family therapist will know how to work with your husband and
you. If he is afraid of therapy, then the therapist should be able to put him at
ease and help him open up. Do you have resources to find a marriage counselor?

JACUSTOMER-80sygeiw- :

I was told relate or couple counselling were good? Do you have a suggestion?

Ask Eleanor :

http://www.bacp.co.uk/ [http://www.bacp.co.uk/] Are you familiar with this
website?

JACUSTOMER-80sygeiw- :

no I'll take a look, thanks

JACUSTOMER-80sygeiw- :

thanks for your advice

Ask Eleanor :

You are very welcome, dear. At the site you can search for a marriage and family
therapist close to you in the UK. It has been my pleasure to help. Please
remember to click on the green accept button so that I will receive credit for
my response. You may return to this chat for reference at any time after you
accept. Positive feedback is very much appreciated. I wish you every good thing
in life, take care, Eleanor

I have been with my husband 12 years (married for 6 and

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