Mental Health

Have Mental Health Questions? Ask a Psychiatrist Online

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

Mental Health

I don't want to feel resentment for my mother and sister,

Customer Question
but I do. I...
I don't want to feel resentment for my mother and sister, but I do. I know that it's not them, that it's me, but I don't understand why I feel the way I do and so I persist. I'm hard on them and it's not because I think that I'm perfect, but because I feel the need to bring them down to my level. Why do they seem to feel that they are good enough? I want to scream that my sister is shallow and entitled and my mother is mentally vacant and drinks too much, but the thing is, they aren't really that flawed and if I were normal I could accept our differences, love them and move on. I do love them, but being around them makes me irrationally boil. I don't get it. I'm so over it.
They think I'm sensitive, that I'm mean, critical and consequently they share a bond that I don't have with either of them. I have extended family that are cruel to themselves and other people in the same way that I am and I don't want to be like them.
Please help.
Submitted: 6 years ago.Category: Mental Health
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Mental Health Question
Answered in 3 minutes by:
9/2/2011
Mental Health Professional: Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist replied 6 years ago
Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,334
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
Verified

Hi! You know, to give you the best answer, I think I should ask you a few questions first that will help define the problem and the situation.


Your question is very evocative that there is so much behind the simple few words you write. It also seems that you were cut off in mid sentence at the end. Would you like to finish what you were saying?

By the way, where was your father in all of this?

Was there trauma or abuse in your childhood? What about alcohol or dysfunction in your family when you were growing up?

Was your mother drinking even when you were growing up?

Were she and your sister close even when you were both kids?

What is your social life like now?

Any extra information that will help, feel free to share.


Dr. Mark

Ask Your Own Mental Health Question
Customer reply replied 6 years ago
I don't need to extend my response, but I'll answer your other questions. My parents are together and my father is very much a part of the picture, but for whatever reason I don't have the same issues with him. I admire him a lot. There was never abuse in my childhood- I feel that I was truly given everything I needed by my parents. They both work very hard. I don't recall my mother drinking excessively as a kid. At this point she's probably not an alcoholic, but tends to get a bit out of control fairly regularly, which is evident through the uncharacteristically mean things she says and her general demeanor. I don't think that my sister and mom were especially close when we were little, but as the older sibling I think that I frequently was characterized as the bully. I a handful of close friends that I'm regularly in touch with and a boyfriend, but not a big mob of people that I always am with like my sister who I would describe as popular. I'm currently an architecture graduate student, which doesn't leave a ton of time for social activities
Mental Health Professional: Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist replied 6 years ago

Thank you for the added information. It helps a lot. I believe I can now be of help with this issue.

I can imagine how frustrating this situation must be for you. The most effective way to describe what you are experiencing is to draw on the family systems theory of Dr. Murray Bowen, who was very renowned in this area. And we're going to focus on one of the 8 interlocking concepts that comprise his important theory: triangles.

Triangles are the basic shape of stable relationships. Three. In a set of three, you have two that are in harmony and one in conflict. This is the basic family dynamic. In the family, two members will band together to give each other support and to exclude one member who is the "other", conflicting part of the dynamic. Your father as you so aptly said, is outside this triangle.

Here is a non-technical site that discusses his theory. And here's the page on that site on triangles:

http://www.thebowencenter.org/pages/concepttri.html

Now if you and your mom and sister went to family systems therapy, you would all gain a lot. I'll give you a directory of therapists, but my sense is that this is not the right time for you to undertake this project. You're in the middle of creating your independent life away from the family. And that's good.

Given that I think you are not in the mode to undertake the therapy it would need for all of you to get past this triangle that has been created, I think you need to be accepting and seek your self confidence not FROM your family relationships but from your individual self and life and use that self confidence to strengthen your family relationships. to be more patient and accepting. It is easier to be accepting when you are self confident. And so remember:

Your confidence is not going to come from or be strengthened by your family, especially mom and sister. You need to bring your confidence INTO the family dynamic. Okay?

Here is the web address for Psychology Today's therapist directory. You can sort by zip codes and when you see someone who seems like they might be helpful (because they seem smart and not so easily manipulatable!) look at the listing and see if they list family systems therapy in their orientations.

http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/

Good Therapy is a non profit directory. Same idea as the one above:

http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

Maybe one day all 3 of you will be ready for this. I don't' know. I have a sense you will make your own way and your own life and that is good. Take the time instead of therapy perhaps, to study a little Bowenian family systems theory and be a smarter part of the triangle!

Okay, I wish you the very best!

Please remember to click the green accept button because: even though you have made a deposit, I do not get paid for my time unless you press ACCEPT. Feel free to continue the discussion as my goal is to get you the best answer possible. You can continue the discussion even after pressing ACCEPT. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, ***** *****

Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,334
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
Verified
Dr. Mark and 87 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Ask Dr. Mark Your Own Question
Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,334
5,334 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice

Dr. Mark is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much

Corrie MollPretoria, South Africa

I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well!

ClaudiaAlbuquerque, NM

Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion.

KevinBeaverton, OR

Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
I feel better already! Thank you.

ElanorTracy, CA

Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem.

JulieLockesburg, AR

You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions.

John and StefanieTucson, AZ

I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!!

Janet VPhoenix, AZ

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

Dr. Keane

Dr. Keane

Therapist

1,379 satisfied customers

Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.

TherapistMarryAnn

TherapistMarryAnn

Therapist

3,984 satisfied customers

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.

Dr. Olsen

Dr. Olsen

Psychologist

2,336 satisfied customers

PsyD Psychologist

Norman M.

Norman M.

Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA

2,246 satisfied customers

ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.

Dr. Michael

Dr. Michael

Psychologist

2,177 satisfied customers

Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.

Steven Olsen

Steven Olsen

Therapist

1,728 satisfied customers

More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education

Anna

Anna

Mental Health Professional

1,656 satisfied customers

Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.

< Previous | Next >

Related Mental Health Questions
Does Zoloft cause weight gain? My doctor increased my dosage
Does Zoloft cause weight gain? My doctor increased my dosage from 100 to 150 mg/day a few weeks ago. I've been gaining weight. I don't want to trade one problem for a different problem. At least when … read more
Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik
PSYCHIATRIST ( MD Psychiatry)
Doctoral Degree
203 satisfied customers
I suffer from social anxiety, insomnia, panic attacks, and
Hi, My name is***** suffer from social anxiety, insomnia, panic attacks, and ocd. I had a doctor for a while, when i had health insurance. I lost my insurance, and she changed practices and can't see … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
166 satisfied customers
Im in need of advice please. My husband of 4 years, weve
Hello, Im in need of advice please. My husband of 4 years, weve been together for 15. His adult children and ex are bullying me.and have been since the beginning. How do I get them to stop. … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
166 satisfied customers
I'm concerned that fighting an screaming at a neighbouring
Hi. I'm concerned that fighting an screaming at a neighbouring Public Housing which mostly has drug addicts and prostitutes may have adverse effects on children at our apartment complex who will doubt… read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
719 satisfied customers
Can stress in the workplace cause indigestion, stomach upset
Can stress in the workplace cause indigestion, stomach upset and bloating? … read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
719 satisfied customers
What causes mental hang ups? My mother has a hang up that
What causes mental hang ups? My mother has a hang up that each morning she will not pee. 20 years ago she had a uti and ever since then she has measured her liquid intake and how much she voids each t… read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
719 satisfied customers
I am currently weaning off valium/ diazepam for anxiety. I
Hi. I am currently weaning off valium/ diazepam for anxiety. I have been taking it roughly 3 months under my Drs supervision. I am currently on 2mg am, 1mg noon and 2mg pm. Last night I took an extra … read more
Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik
PSYCHIATRIST ( MD Psychiatry)
Doctoral Degree
203 satisfied customers
My daughter is depressed. Do you have someone she can talk
My daughter is depressed. Do you have someone she can talk to? … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
166 satisfied customers
My wife got a WE-VIBE, used for couples to use while
my wife got a WE-VIBE, vibrator used for couples to use while intercourse..I saw a cord in her drawer, so I looked. She never told me she got it. she said she won a raffle at a lingerie store, and did… read more
Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi
Doctoral Degree
1,564 satisfied customers
Ii stopped lexapro nearly 3 months ago and 1 month ago
ii stopped lexapro nearly 3 months ago and 1 month ago started feeling anxious badly so I started back on lexapro for 5 days and scared of libido and i went on Zoloft,it's been 2 weeks I started from 25 mg to 50 then 100 but still too much anxiety. … read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
719 satisfied customers
I don't always feel like a real person. I have
Hi, I don't always feel like a real person. JA: How is your mood? Are you experiencing regular sleep disturbances (e.g. trouble falling asleep, waking up early)? Customer: No JA: Anything else in your… read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
719 satisfied customers
What would you recommend to someone with a bad anxiety
Hi, what would you recommend to someone with a bad anxiety disorder, 25 years old, 134 lbs, who keeps worrying about fainting if he doens't... eat yet another meal? Driving and walking has become hard… read more
Nancy
Nancy
Psychotherapist
MS, PhD can.
492 satisfied customers
My 15 year old son has been diagnosed with Asperger's,
My 15 year old son has been diagnosed with Asperger's, diagnosed at 5 years old, has treated with therapy and diet and medications. Currently his major issue is anxiety, mainly around social situation… read more
Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik
PSYCHIATRIST ( MD Psychiatry)
Doctoral Degree
203 satisfied customers
My 14 year old son (9th grade)has been caught smoking pot on
My 14 year old son (9th grade)has been caught smoking pot on two separate occasions. We took him to a therapist who said that smoking pot should be a non-negotiable requirement in out home. When we to… read more
Dr. Olsen
Dr. Olsen
Psychologist
Doctoral Degree
2,336 satisfied customers
How can I develop the necessary discipline to focus on
How can I develop the necessary discipline to focus on important things and ignore temptations that waste my time?I am self employed, working in the software business. I have multiple projects to fini… read more
Linda D.
Linda D.
Master\u0027s Degree
721 satisfied customers
Waking up early, i have a question regarding increase hear
waking up early, i have a question regarding increase hear bits … read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
719 satisfied customers
I need to tAKE MY ZANAX BUT TOOK AN ALLEVE BEFORE HOW DO I
I need to tAKE MY ZANAX BUT TOOK AN ALLEVE BEFORE HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO WAIT … read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
719 satisfied customers
Im currently on disability right now. My ssdi was approved
Im currently on disability right now. My ssdi was approved about 1 year ago after i wasnt able to return to the fire department. The problem is that i dont want to go back to work. But my doctor keeps… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
166 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x