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psychlady, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of a variety of mental health issues.
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Where to begin.... perhaps i need to let you know a little

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Where to begin.... perhaps i need to let you know a little bit about the story just to see whats the best way to deal with it, because i'm not getting there on my own.
I'm Elsy, 26, finished my communication degree 4 years ago. I've worked but i am currently unemployed. I started dating Vitor in october 2009. He is a 28 year old musician, no driving license, lives with his grandma in a social neighbourhood, has no savings, smokes drugs everyday, 4 to 5 times a day and sometimes he has access to cocain, that i don't know how often he does. He also drinks like there was no tomorrow. He could have the worst hangover, but he always meets his friends. Not me.
I'm with him almost everyday (he doesn't make an effort to meet me), because i go to his house to pick him up. Whenever my parents organize a barbecue, i pick him up. Most of the times his tired or with a hangover and he sleeps in my couch or wants to go home. My parents rebuilt my grandma's house for us to live in there. We were supposed to buy the furniture and the electrical appliance. With my monthly unemployed benefit, i managed to buy my half. It took me 3 months. He earns 3 times more than me and he but nothing. I didn't even showed any interest in taking his driving license so that he could live where the house is, which is 27km away from where he lives now.
I was offered a great job offer to maputo, moçambique. I could take him with me, so that we could have a better life and not count our money everyday to make sure it lasts because he he wasting it with his friends and parties and drinks and drugs. But he said he does what he likes and he doesn't want to go. He is willing to go for a month to see what it is first and if he likes it, he'll stay. He doesn't want us to break up after i leave and he promised to visit me. A ticket there cost 1300€. He will never go there and i'll be there on my own waiting for him to go and visit me while he is parting like an animal here. I don't believe he will go.
Obviously, he does his own thing. He owns his life and he doesn't count on me or my time to do anything. I have nothing to do with this guy, but i like him a lot. Maybe its his independence i'm atracted to, maybe his disdain, or maybe i just have this vein that makes me believe i can change people into something better. I just want him to be a man. There will always be party times. I want him to finish his work and come home. Not get drunk 5 to 6 days a week. He killing himself slowly. I don't want this life for me. I feel like i have to go to every party , i feel like i need to be where he is because i don't want him to meet someone else the same way he meet me. He betrayed his last girlfriend, over and over. I don't want him to do that to feels like i'm giving everything and i'm getting...nothing.
So my questions is....i'm leaving for maputo and i want to break up with him. But i want to be emotionaly prepared to go. I don't want to be there with my head in here. How can you help me?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.

If you want to break up with him then just do it. Think about what you just wrote. He does drugs, he disrespects you, he has not ambition, he brings nothing to this relationship and he is basically selfish. You bring everything. He does drugs and parties all the time. You don't owe him anything. Take that offer, tell him you are ending it, and move on. When you look back you will wonder what you ever saw in this. Stop trying to save him. He doesn't to be saved. He doesn't even want to stop using drugs. I fear that you will change your mind because he is either going to send you packing or make a bunch of promises none of which will happen. Don't take your problems with you. Nothing will change if you do that. Be successful and leave him to drink beer. Tell him it is over and you are moving on alone. You don't owe him a lengthy explanation.

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