Mental Health

Have Mental Health Questions? Ask a Psychiatrist Online

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

Mental Health

Our 26 year marriage has had it's difficulties. Recently I

Customer Question
Our 26 year marriage has...
Our 26 year marriage has had it's difficulties. Recently I thought that we were in a pretty good place. A few days ago I discovered that my husband had a collection of porn videos on our computer. They mistakenly were in a file of photos of our grandkids. He defends it by saying that it relieves the after affects from taking Viagra. He ended up getting "put out" with me because I always go to the dark side - think the worst, blame myself. At this point, I'd like to toss in some sarcasm/humor, but I don't have it in me. I have read the Porn article from 2005 as well as other articles. Of course some defend it and some condemn it. My question is, I am not sure how to feel, what to believe. I think that I am attractive for my age and amd not stupid but her can easily talk me down.
Submitted: 6 years ago.Category: Mental Health
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Mental Health Question
Answered in 25 minutes by:
9/1/2011
Mental Health Professional: Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist replied 6 years ago
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Verified
Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

Pornography is often destructive because it creates a fake ideal woman and in consequence, sets up an ideal that most wives/girlfriends cannot meet (for they are not 19 year old starlets willing to do anything to please the man, and always are thrilled by whatever they are commanded to do.)

Some couples benefit from pornography when it is used as a marriage aid, but more often, the man spills his sexual energy on a digital or print image and the wife/girlfriend is left out.

If the counselor is ineffective for both parties (and perhaps she is being too dogmatic) then you should try a secular marriage and family counselor that you both like and in whom you have confidence.

If you are unwilling or emotionally unable to be with him physically, then he will turn to masturbation, and pornography is basically a masturbation aid.

Why is he taking Viagra if he is not with you? If it is just to masturbate then he could not stimulate himself so.

If you want to win him back you might have to become available to him again, but you should only do this if you have a keen desire to be with him. If you are blocked because of emotional considerations, then this is where therapy comes int.

I recommend that you find a Marriage and Family Therapist who is ALSO a certified sex counselor and specializes in sexual problems.

Until you can recapture the love and trust between the two of you, the physical relationship will work. It must be based on caring and emotion. His task is to close down the porn and direct his energy and emotion towards you, and you must forgive him if he truly repents from the behavior and help to redirect his passion towards you.

This is a process and an effective counselor will be an asset for you. If you both have a will you will find a way. Sit down and talk this over with him and try to both move forward to rekindle your relationship and not let it hollow out into an empty shell. You must take action and persevere. The first step is the most important, and I think this commication with JA was a good start showing your positive intentions.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC
Ask Your Own Mental Health Question
Customer reply replied 6 years ago

I appreciate what you have sent. Unfortunately, my husband says that he is doing "nothing wrong". He claims that after he takes the Viagra he needs the porn to help him masturbate to relieve the additional affects after he has had sex with me....I have done a little research on Viagra and the claims made don't match his defense. I guess that I need to go it alone as far as therapy is concerned. I admit that going this (online therapist) route has been an act of desparation. I don't even watch Dr. !Phil.

I am sorry to say that I am VERY uncomfortable with your statement: "If you want to win him back AND the threat that he will turn to masturbation if I do not respond to him sexually. WOW! That's a big order for someone who has just been flattened - and in a way blamed - not for the use of porn but for my response. I'm sorry but I am struggling with this.

Mental Health Professional: Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist replied 6 years ago
Dear friend,

You have misinterpreted what I was trying to say to you, which really means I did not express myself clearly enough. Let us go back over those statements.

1) I said, "If you want to win him back you might have to become available to him again, but you should only do this if you have a keen desire to be with him. If you are blocked because of emotional considerations, then this is where therapy comes in."

What I meant by "win him back" and thought I implied was that right now, if you want to win him back as a husband who loves you and desires you and just doesn't use you as an adjunct to his chronic masturbation, then you must be put in a position where he really wants YOU as a flesh and blood wife that he loves, and not as a sex object. Obviously, because of the way he treats you, you cannot possibly have a keen desire for him. It is HE that must give you that keen desire again by once again seeing you as the woman he loves and desires.

In other word, there is no way you could or should make yourself available to him. You said that you are no longer physical with him, and I wholeheartedly agree with you that this is natural and correct behavior. I am certainly NOT telling you to be his sex object. I complete the sentence by stating that in order for this to happen he will have to go to counseling with you ("this is where therapy comes in").

2) I said, "If you are unwilling or emotionally unable to be with him physically, then he will turn to masturbation, and pornography is basically a masturbation aid."

He has already done this, but not because you have been unavailable, but because he has dehumanized himself. I am certainly not implying that this is your doing. It is HIS doing. You had been available. If he was still sexually stimulated after Viagra then he could have continued making love to you instead of sneaking off to his computer. And when you found out, you felt that you were being cheated on, which in a sense you were. Many other women feel this way when their husbands become porno addicts. It is a huge turn off for them, and they do become emotionally unavailable for lovemaking after that.

This is a problem that HE has caused, not you. You are the victim, and his behavior has shut off your passion for him, and it has also turned you into a sex object in his eyes. Women are emotionally intelligent and you could and can feel that change in him.

Please forgive me if I had not been clear enough. You have been victimized, abused in a sense, and now are suffering the consequences. If he doesn't seek help, then things will contiue to deteriorate.

Your response to your husband is natural, understandable, and probably unavoidable. If someone slaps you hard every day you will change your attitude about that person, but it won't be your fault.

I wish you the very best.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Verified
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 87 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Ask Elliott, LPCC, NCC Your Own Question
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
7,664 Satisfied Customers
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much

Corrie MollPretoria, South Africa

I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well!

ClaudiaAlbuquerque, NM

Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion.

KevinBeaverton, OR

Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
I feel better already! Thank you.

ElanorTracy, CA

Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem.

JulieLockesburg, AR

You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions.

John and StefanieTucson, AZ

I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!!

Janet VPhoenix, AZ

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

Dr. Keane

Dr. Keane

Therapist

1,379 satisfied customers

Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.

TherapistMarryAnn

TherapistMarryAnn

Therapist

4,013 satisfied customers

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.

Dr. Olsen

Dr. Olsen

Psychologist

2,336 satisfied customers

PsyD Psychologist

Norman M.

Norman M.

Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA

2,246 satisfied customers

ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.

Dr. Michael

Dr. Michael

Psychologist

2,177 satisfied customers

Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.

Steven Olsen

Steven Olsen

Therapist

1,728 satisfied customers

More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education

Anna

Anna

Mental Health Professional

1,656 satisfied customers

Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.

< Previous | Next >

Related Mental Health Questions
I keep thinking about what I did when I was younger, when I
I keep thinking about what I did when I was younger, when I was about 6 I remeber like kissing almost making out with my two sisters, they were 5 and 4 then later when I was about 14-15 I developed la… read more
Linda D.
Linda D.
Master\u0027s Degree
747 satisfied customers
I am having terrible guilt and shame about things I did in
I am having terrible guilt and shame about things I did in my past which have suddenly come to my consciousness - when I was about 16 I was extremely sexual and ended up sniffing knickers on a number … read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
736 satisfied customers
Leah,I had a question I did get to mention yesterday..the
Hi Leah,I had a question I did get to mention yesterday..the thread was getting a bit to long anyway lol… read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
736 satisfied customers
I did ask a male professional earlier about my problem, but
I did ask a male professional earlier about my problem, but it would be great to get a female psychologists view also. My husband and I have not had sex in 6 years. He had a mild stroke 5 years ago, b… read more
Linda D.
Linda D.
Master\u0027s Degree
747 satisfied customers
My husband call me a, he did it today. I told him under no
My husband call me a bitch, he did it today. I told him under no circumstances do you have the right to call a woman a bitch. He also tells me that I am miserable. Everytime he starts a fight. … read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
736 satisfied customers
Its kind of imbarrising.. I did realize I could chat to some
its kind of imbarrising.. I did realize I could chat to some one on here … read more
Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie
Masters, Professional Psychology
5 satisfied customers
My doctor switched me from sertraline to viibryd. I did one
My doctor switched me from sertraline to viibryd. I did one week of 10 mg, then 2 weeks of 20 mg, now back to 10mg so I can switch back to sertraline. I don't like viibryd. How can I safely switch bac… read more
Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik
PSYCHIATRIST ( MD Psychiatry)
Doctoral Degree
203 satisfied customers
Dear Dr. Keane, just a quick message to say that I did not
Dear Dr. Keane, just a quick message to say that I did not get that job, enough time has passed by to now know this. I've plenty to say, but not plenty of time this week as my gran is now visiting, so… read more
Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane
Therapist
Doctoral Degree
1,379 satisfied customers
I have a friend who says she has DID but she doesn't meet
I have a friend who says she has DID but she doesn't meet the criteria. Her alters are dead people. Mostly characters from Movies or Musicals like Phantom of the Opera. Would this behavior be a sympto… read more
llw26
llw26
Private Practice
Doctoral Degree
11 satisfied customers
Why some people get angry if other people point out they did
Why some people get angry if other people point out they did wrong things? I would think when people know they did wrong things they should feel sorry and try to correct. Thanks.… read more
llw26
llw26
Private Practice
Doctoral Degree
11 satisfied customers
Dear Dr. Keane, I did what you suggested about my dad.
Dear Dr. Keane,I did what you suggested about my dad. Actually, I spoke to my mum too and she's right, it just is not his kind of thing, to get support. You were right, when I initially brought up the… read more
Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane
Therapist
Doctoral Degree
1,379 satisfied customers
Thank you. I did download a book about a little boy with
Thank you. I did download a book about a little boy with autism, from the perspective of an autistic child, but it turned out to be 64 pages long and just a little too grown up -- even though it menti… read more
Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark
Doctoral Degree
129 satisfied customers
My husband lied to me about his. He did cheat on his ex-wife
My husband lied to me about his. He did cheat on his ex-wife after all. Now he says I am sticking my nose into his business. … read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
736 satisfied customers
My wife and I did some role reversal consisting of her being
My wife and I did some role reversal consisting of her being dominant. Domestic discipline and domination. SometiMrs she makes me wear panties. I find embarrassing but arousing too. The whole mentalk … read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
736 satisfied customers
I had lung surgery 2 months ago. Why did I feel this was one
I had lung surgery 2 months ago. Why did I feel this was one of the best days of my life. This is not normal. And I am not saying this because it saved my life, but because of the treatment and everyt… read more
Linda D.
Linda D.
Master\u0027s Degree
747 satisfied customers
Have DID. totally dissociated for the first time the other
have DID. totally dissociated for the first time the other day in therapy and embarrassed self. now terrified to face therapist again. any ideas how to calm anxiety and face therapist?… read more
TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn
Therapist
Master's Degree
4,013 satisfied customers
I've been having serious guilt over something I did in the
I've been having serious guilt over something I did in the past. It all triggered when I saw a kid that used to live on my street. I'm 18 now. At the time of incident I was about 11/12 and the kid was… read more
Linda D.
Linda D.
Master\u0027s Degree
747 satisfied customers
I did a no no and tried to look up articles about what I
I did a no no and tried to look up articles about what I have and how pure O can sometimes be misdiagnosed as pedophila! Well I read a comment where one person says even if they've had these thoughts … read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
736 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x