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Suzanne, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  LCSW, RN. Mental Health, Relationship & Parenting issues.EMDR, Hypnosis.
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How can I feel more attractive? I feel like I lost my

This answer was rated:

How can I feel more attractive? I feel like I lost my 'magic''?

In reading through the archives, it seems you have been asking about this to different experts. It might help if you gave a bit more detail, so we can give more specific advice.

Is there some reason these issues have come to a head now? Are you afraid your husband is seeing someone else? Or are there other reasons?

Please fill in a bit more detail...

PS: I am turning off the computer for the night now. I will respond to what you send next in the morning. Thank you for your patience.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.

Suzanne, you are my favorite expert. I like that you give long advice. I don't think he is seeing someone else. It's just that I feel like I have to really work on getting my husband to spend alone time with me and 'fight' for his affection. I think if i was more attractive to him or if he wanted me more, i wouldn't have to do these things. If there was anyway i can get him more attracted to me. I'd appreciate it. I also just had a baby 6 months ago.

On an intellectual level, i know that i am pretty, i'm blonde, size 8, and not bad. He just takes me for granted a lot i feel and doesn't really appreciate me. I would like to bring him there.

Thank you for the sweet compliment!

The thing that no one tells us (women) as we're growing up is that men are not just hairy versions of us. They truly think differently. Here are some examples:

It things come too easily to men, they tend to value those things less.

When asked for something, like attention--women will turn themselves inside out trying to provide it. Men, on the other hand, hear these requests as criticism and complaints.

This one was a big shocker for me personally--when eating at a restaurant, men feel like they are "providing" for their wife. If she sends the meal back because it isn't cooked right, the man will, many times, feel as if HE has failed.

Men get into feeling ashamed much more than women do. The problem with that is when they feel shame they either withdraw or sounds like you're married to a withdrawer.

So, although it seems crazy to us, you asking for more of his attention may actually feel to him like "Even though you're working long hours to provide for your family, etc, etc, etc, you are still not making your wife happy, therefore you are a failure as a man."

Please, please read "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About it" For some reason the program isn't letting me insert a link today, but look up the title on Amazon.

Men respond to praise, they withdraw from criticism. Stop asking for him it feels like criticism. Whenever he does the slightest affectionate thing, tell him how happy it makes you (WITHOUT following up with "why can't you always do this?") . Yes, I know this seems like he should just man up and do what you ask, but that's because we think differently than men. The earlier in your marriage you really get this concept, the happier you will be.

Please get and read the book--it will change how you interact with your husband forever, and make both of you much happier. PS-forget about telling him to read it too. Just leave it sitting around every once in a while...he'll pick it up when he thinks you're not looking.

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