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Mina, Clinical Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 188
Experience:  Working as a Highly Specialist Clinical Psychologist in NHS. Experience in both children and adults
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I find it hard when my partner get close, what can i do? i'm

Resolved Question:

i find it hard when my partner get close , what can i do ? i'm a female in my mid 30s'.we still have sex but since last December , i must say that when it comes to foreplay, we always end up arguing as i'm never in the mood of sattisfying he's needs , I never was one who liked foreplay but before i used to go for it and used to enjoy giving my partner such pleasure, but now i don't really feel it and being honest it takes me quite a while to get turned on . Must also say that he's quite good in bed and i admit that problem is from my side. Must also say that i go straight for intercourse and i do enjoy it once it starts but till the moment we start i never feel in the mood of having sex and if he doesn't make the first approach i wont ask for sex

Ps : i had a baby last October which wasn't planed from my side


Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mina replied 6 years ago.


I am sorry to hear that you are having these mixed feelings about having sex. Sexual drive can be very easily influenced by many different things involving low self esteem, depression, trauma, lack of communication between partners etc. It sounds like you feel disappointed in yourself or even worried but to be honest sexual drive goes up and down as it is very easily influenced by other circumstances. The fact that you had a baby and it was unplanned, perhaps affected you more than you think. How have you been feeling apart from the sex?How is your relationship with your partner at the moment?How are you feeling about yourself and that you have a baby?how is everything else in your life?

these answers might give us some more ideas about why you avoid the closeness as you said.

Looking forward to your responses



Customer: replied 6 years ago.

Well when it comes to relationship with my partner , every thing is ok till the moment when he gets close, as most of the time we end up arguing as i reject his approach. then he starts telling me that i might be seeing someone else as he cant accept being rejected !! As what concerns the baby I'm happy , even though I'm feeling exhausted with her needs and some times makes me nervous, Another headache that i have is financially as my partners businesses is nod doing that well , however he keeps telling me that all business have their ups and downs and it shouldn't interfere in our personal life. the thing is that when we argue he is harsh in words.

What would you suggest i might do maybe i can solve this problem ?

Expert:  Mina replied 6 years ago.

I see. Well it seems that the circumstances in your life are not the easiest one, being concerned about your parent's situation, having a new baby that is demanding and having your partner questioning your lack of sexual interest on top of that. It sounds like sex has now become something mandatory for you as you feel under pressure and I believe that your partner's reactions are not helping you feeling contained and relaxed about it. He seems to be worrying about what it means to go through a period of having less sex. This is part of his insecurity and may need more exploration. As I said previously, sex mood can be easily influenced by our living circumstances and young mums especially tend to struggle with combining their image of a mum with the one of the sexy partner let alone feeling the physical tiredness you just described. Your relationship with your husband is evolving as you are changing as well. By this I do not mean that you will never want to have sex again, definitely not. However, you need your time to process all that has happened and if you feel pressured by your partner then this process will delay as you may start feeling guilty that your are not satisfying your husband and you will feel frustrated that you can't have your time. I feel that the communication in your relationship may need some work as the best thing for both of would be to communicate these different needs that you may have now. If you feel that you do not share the need for sex right now, I would suggest that you spoke to him, reassured him and tell him all that is in your mind, what has changed for you, what you may want different. Tell him that you need some time to go back to the "mode" of the partner and that this has nothing to do with him or his sexual performance or that he cannot satisfy you. You both need to remember that sex for women is much more emotional and intellectual and therefore a woman needs to be in the right mood. At the same time, you may need to show him that you still love him and be relaxed around eachother. You need to feel relaxed so the sex drive will come back naturally. No one can force you to want sex and if this continues you may start despising sex or even your partner if you feel pressurized.

If you feel that this is persisting then it may be a good idea to see a couple's therapist to work through these issues. This often helps to learn more about your relationship, how you both feel and learn how to communicate productively.

Hope that helps

All the best


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