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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Am I kidding myslf to think I can find a way to live -not

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Am I kidding myslf to think I can find a way to live -not just survive -in this mess since he refuses to get help, & just escapes into his addictions & then abuse if for any reason he's shaken into reality ?

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

It is very hard to live with someone who is abusive. It is often the nature of abuse that the person does not see they need help.

Abuse systematically wears away the victim's self esteem and trust in their own perceptions. Their whole world becomes the abuser's wants, needs and potential to abuse. There is no room to be an individual. You cannot feel self worth if all you experience is intimidation, put downs and control.

Abuse often stems from the abusers inability to deal with their own issues of self worth. They feel inadequate, hurt and lack self worth. Instead of dealing with it, they turn their feelings into making those close to them feel powerless and intimidated so they can feel powerful.

If he refuses to get help that means he does not want to face his own problems. He is unable to see that what he is doing to you is hurtful and damaging. He would lose his power and therefore have to face what he has done and how he feels. Once someone decides that there is nothing wrong with them, getting help becomes impossible. The only thing you can do is get help for yourself.

Go to therapy on your own. Find ways to build your self esteem. It is very hard to face that you may have to change and be the one to end the relationship, but it is often the only choice abusers will give you since they refuse to change themselves. Also, if he is physically abusive, consider making arrangements to go to a women's shelter. They can provide numerous resources to help you get back on your feet and start a new life, one without abuse.

There are also many on line resources to help you:

But He'll Change: End the Thinking That Keeps You in an Abusive Relationship by Joanna V. Hunter

It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence, 2nd Edition by Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger R. Hock

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

You can find these books on or your local library may have them for you.

I hope this has helped,

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