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AgapeDoc, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
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I believe my daughter( thirty-four years old) hates me. she

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I believe my daughter( thirty-four years old) hates me. she is adamant that she has no resentment against me and does not hate me except her behaviour proves otherwise. Below is an an email she sent me after I questioned why she came into the house and did not acknowledge me by saying good morning:
This is what I wrote in response to your sarcastic text the morning I came in the house:
>In response to your text. I did see that your door was open and made a choice not to give a salutation for two reasons that are connected. I was extremely late for my appointment with my architect and I didnt have the time to gauge what mood you were in and whether you would acknowledge my greeting or even converse with me.
>What does that have to do with me greeting you? As you have pointed out in the past sometimes you dont want to speak to people and I always seem to choose the exact moment when you are in a mood to subject myself to your monosyllabic answers if you deem to even give me that. I often feel like i am bothering you and not wanted. I have told you on numerous occasions you treat me as if I am a nuisance to you. I made the decision that I am not going to subject myself to that anymore and I will wait until you feel like you do want to speak to people and engage me in a conversation.
>I resent you making comparisons between me and that selfish animal named Sophie. You may have selective memory but I do not and for you to even put me on her level is an insult of the worst nature. Sophie knows who is buttering her bread and she would be completely off her rockers not to stay in her sugar mommy's good graces. If telling you good morning is all that it takes for her to be a caring considerate child in your eyes so be it. But dont ever in life again compare me to her.
>I have done so much for you and your other children. Sooooo much and it counts for nothing!!!! I helped to raise Jacoy into the lovely responsible person he is today. I paid Jason's tuition when you couldn't. I spent my entire childhood being understanding that you were doing the best that you could with what you had and went without and was happy to be able to help you in that way. I was obedient and respectful even to this day! I try to accomodate your fears no matter how irrational they are and be the voice of reason and compromise. Can you say the same for Sophie or Jason?
>I am the point of least resistance and will rarely fight back when you lash out at me because you are frustrated with other areas of your life. I try not to personalize it. On the extremely rare occasions I ask you to assist me you are argumentative and appear to be resentful of rendering me assistance. I rarely ever complain and when I do its because something is really overbearing and I can't take it anymore. It may be hard for you to even conceptualize what I am saying and if I know you like I think I do you are not going to reflect on this feedback and introspect on it. You are going to feel victimized and misunderstood and lose a moment for potential growth.
>I am not perfect. I am very often obtuse and absorbed in my own rigid moral world. Sometimes I miss the cues that other's give me or even the direct messages, but I try my best to be the person I want others to be for me. When you call me and ask me to do something I never question it, I never complain. I do it. Can you say the same?
>I carry around a lot of resentment that I try to suppress and I do believe I have used other platforms to vent my frustration, disappointment and rejection. The night Caave and Preston moved my bed into my house Peggy appeared out of nowhere to make it up for me. I was so happy to see her because my stomach was swollen where my stitches were and I had been lifting things all day and I knew the extra effort to make up my bed would have done me in. You never once asked me if I needed help or offered your assistance even though you knew that I was recovering. I reasoned its because you were annoyed, as usual, that I insisted that you meet your end of the bargain by having the apartment ready for the date that you decided!!!
>I can remember calling you asking you to help me bring up some groceries because Andrea was so far along in her pregnancy she couldnt assist. Everyone heard you complaining. The day of Andrea's shower I asked you for help and if Kathleen and Blondell had not been there I do believe your opposition would have gone on for a lot longer. When you had your surgery not only had you already enjoyed a weeks long vacation with Aunty Barbara but you were also able to have a lengthy recuperation in St. Thomas while I watched the younger children, got them to school, kept them fed, dealt with their chicken pox, kept the financial ball in the air and prepared myself for Miss World. I never once complained.
>I reference these things to give you a different perspective on your interactions with me. I try not to feel like the black unwanted sheep of the family but its difficul
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.

I know she uses the word resentment but before you used it that is the word that came immediately to my mind. She sounds extremely resentful and she is the only person who knows why this is so strong. She sounds like she has been resentful for a very long time regardless of what she said. She even uses the words herself.

She gives elaborate examples of her resentment and mentions other people that have contributed to this. Situations seems to have made her resentful and you need to ask her why this has festered for such a long time. If she is willing to go into this in written form then she should be able to discuss this rationally in person. No one writes such a intense letter unless they want to get this off their chest. If they hide these things they aren't ready. You now should approach her about trying to figure this out. There may be pain there but you have to start somewhere. Be ready for anger but don't anticipate it yet. Think about the situations she describes. Think about how she may feel about them.

You have an obligation to figure this out if you want a better relationship. It's okay for things to be emotional as long as it's for a better cause. Find a time to meet with her alone. Tell her you want to talk about this message. Then she is able to make her own choice. Give her that choice. Be prepared for this and anything she feels. If you think it would be better to do this in a family therapeutic setting that is fine too. Whatever is wrong you have to embrace because she has a right to her own feelings.

If this has been helpful press accept

Customer: replied 6 years ago.

I was looking for a different answer, as I had already surmised the answer you provided. I need more pychological analysis. She is resentful yes, but did you not pick up on anything in the letter that could be causing this? The way the letter is worded and so on?

Expert:  AgapeDoc replied 6 years ago.
I see psychlady has stepped away. Let me see if I can help out here.....
You have posed a good question. And while it is challenging to figure out her motivation by only one letter, and without speaking to her directly, I can see why you have this concern.
I have the assumption and you have alluded to the idea that this letter is only one example of the issues that come up in your relationship. So that's what I will go with as I answer your question here.....
It seems that there has been some family conflicts that she focuses on and perhaps even blows out of proportion. And she uses these as a means of control and to keep you off balance emotionally. So....
... while I would never offer a specific diagnosis under these circumstances (specifically an online question and answer site) I can offer some information that you may find interesting and may make things clearer in terms of understanding her behavior from that psychological perspective that you mentioned earlier.
It's possible that she is displaying behaviors that are very much like people who have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. People who suffer from this have a very difficult time with relationships, they seem to always want to control the things from the situation to the emotions of others, they try to keep others off balance emotionally, and leave their loved one's "scratching their heads" as they try to figure out what "just happened" after a visit.
Sound familiar?
How am I doing?
OK.... Now I think I may have answered your question and here is an added bonus. Many of my clients who are dealing with a family member with Borderline Personality Disorder have found the book titled "Stop Walking on Eggshells" to be very helpful.
If I have been helpful, please don't forget to click on the green accept button - I wish the best.
AgapeDoc, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 197
Experience: Dr. W. D. Nicholas will help you find solutions to life's challenging issues.
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