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mindhealer, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 693
Experience:  Licensed in MD and am also a Board Certified Diplomate (Advanced Practioner) I have over 10 years experience
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Someone i love very much is starting to realise they may be

Customer Question

someone i love very much is starting to realise they may be depressed, something i have suspected for a long time. i tell him all the time im here for him and he has said to me today he knows he is depressed and needs to change his mindset. he asked me not to tell anyone else and always puts on a strong front to everyone else. even with me he keeps me at arms length and trys not to let me too close sometimes. what are the best things i can do to help? im concerend he may just block me out again as he has done in the past and will just withdraw again, i just want to help him get better and happy
We were dating for 6 months but for the past year havent been together. although the last 6 months we have been seeing eachother regulaly, sleeping together, he texts me every day and get jealous if any othe guy makes any comment about me. though he tells me he doesnt want to be together and i should forget about him and go on dates, but if i am single in a few months we will go on a date. the date keeps going back and back and he said today this is because of how unhappy he is and he kept hoping it would get better so he could think about love but it hasnt. Does this mean he doesnt love me or just that its covered up because of his depression? I have told him i'll still be here for him no matter what beacuse i still love and care about him.

I dont show him when im upset but sometimes it hurts so much when he says he doesnt love me. He just says how much he cares and that one day he might love me. but i feel like he does, he just doesnt know how to deal with the emotion cause he's so down and upset with life.

How can i help him and stay strong myself? i dont want him to go through this on his own, but im not sure i have the confidence to keep being told im not loved. Last year i think i myself went through a little stage of being depressed, i also lost a lot of weight and went down to an unhealthy bmi. i can understand how horrid it is to be totally alone and isolated and i dont want him to feel that. but when he pushes me away he hurts me and makes me feel not good enough and alone myself.  
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  mindhealer replied 6 years ago.

Good afternoon and thank you for the opportunity to help in answering your question. First please let me say that I am sincerely ***** ***** hear of the pain that both your friend as well as you are going through. It's a very difficult thing to see someone we care about living in pain, especially emotional pain.

My suggestions to you would be to of course let him know that you are there for him but to also make sure that he understands that without receiving help or treatment that will undoubtedly get worse. As for how to approach him and what you can do. Consider the above mentioned but also let him know that with him blocking you out the way he does he is doing two things...he's pushing his support system and a woman who cares for him away without getting treatment but he is also contributing you to growing depressed as well. Finally I would further suggest not to always be there for him at the drop of a hat given that will only serve to continue enabling his depression and reinforcing that he doesn't need treatment and that he can get through it with you always being there to listen.

Believe me...this won't be easy for you to do given that you do care as much as you do but it's likely the best thing for you both. I would also suggest that you consider seeing a therapist individually for two reasons. The first is to help you to cope and manage your friendship/relationship as he goes through treatment but also to help you to work through your own depression and any unresolved issues you may be experiencing as a result of your feelings to this gentleman. My apologies for being blunt in my suggestions but I really could think of no gentle way to put it to ensure that you have a full understanding as to the reasoning behind my suggestions.

I hope that I have been helpful in answering your question and that you found my suggestions to be of benefit to you.

Please let me know if you have any further questions that I can help in answering for you. I want to be certain that I have answered your question completely and thoroughly.

If you feel that I've answered your question to your satisfaction then I would greatly appreciate your clicking the ACCEPT button thereby giving me credit for the answer and suggestions I've provided to you. I hope this finds you well and look forward to your response.

mindhealer and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
How do i encourage him to seek proper help? He has only just admitted that it is an illness and he needs to get better, i think he thinks he can just sort it out himself and it will get better on its own if he makes a few changes. He also seems to have OCD though and it upsets him if things aren't perfect and organised at work, yet his personal life is in such a mess! he was meant to move hose 3 weeks ago and his deadline for moving out of his current place is only like a week and he hasnt found anywhere new yet. But his work is immaculate, he is the no 1 in the company at what he does and he's so scared of failure. I worry if i suggest he gets help he will think it makes him weak or a failure so then he'll get upset with me and lead to pushing me away again. I feel like im walking on eggshells.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Relist: Other.
would like another opinion just to get as much info/options as i can
Expert:  mindhealer replied 6 years ago.

Thanks for your response. You're likely right that he probably does believe that he can deal with it on his own and may very well be reluctant to get proper treatment. For individuals such as this I usually bring scientific evidence to demonstrate the severity of a depression as well as statistics regarding. You would be get statistics such as these on the NIMH website (National Institute of Mental Health as well as CDC (Centers for Disease Control)

The reason that his work is immaculate is due to th e fact that he's using that as his only way of coping to be honest. Some people turn to drugs or alcohol to "numb the pain" while others turn to work as their drug. This is an important note to mention to him when presenting to him the evidence I suggested above.

If he takes getting treatment as weak or as a failure the evidence you present to him will dispel that. It's a legitimate medical condition that has a biological basis to it and is treatable and in a lot of cases curable. Make sure he's aware that he really needs to devote himself to the treatment and getting well. I hope this helps to answer your question.

I think that's smart to get more than one opinion. I wish you the very best. You had submitted another question to me only. Would you prefer that I opt out and let another answer it as I would be more than happy to do so. I want to be certain that your question is answered thoroughly.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you so much for you advice. I think i just feel so alone as i cant talk to anyone about this, and dont want to seem weak myself, and i get no support emotionally from him, its all me giving it to him. Dont get me wrong he has ways of showing me he cares, like always looking out for me at work and promoting me positively to other people at work and giving me really good career advice. He doesnt seem to see how insecure and lonley i am because he doesnt say he loves me, he says everything but that though! like he cares, he fancys me, he misses me, he thinks im amazing beautiful etc etc, so i just cant understand why he's so scared of commiting to me. and i've told him that just makes me feel like im not good enough but he still says he doesnt want me to be his girlfriend and that he doesnt love me at the moment, but keeps saying in the future he will. Sorry, you dont have to reply to this, just kinda good to get it off my chest to someone though!!
Expert:  mindhealer replied 6 years ago.

I don't mind replying. This isn't about getting paid over and over. I appreciate the fact that he does care for you and it certainly seems as though he displays this to you in the actions above. You're likely right in that he is both scared of committment but also because of his emotional state. The fear of committment may very well coming from him not being able to give you what he feels you deserve...or that he feels he's not good enough for you given that this is consistent with a depression.

Everything you mentioned above demonstrates that you're going through a depressive episode as well and it's impacting your level of self esteem and self worth as well. That's why I suggested that you consider seeing a therapist yourself. I hope this helps and I wish you the very best and I hope this finds you well.