Mental Health

Have Mental Health Questions? Ask a Psychiatrist Online

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

Mental Health

I am stepmom to 5 boys after their mom died, along with my

Customer Question
own 2. Their dad...
I am stepmom to 5 boys after their mom died, along with my own 2. Their dad is a great dad- but knows he has zero disciplinary skills/ I have dev. relationship 1st, and then would lovingly try to teach a chore, or talk about a boundry. The kids then think I am mean- and say their mom would NEVER have "made them pick up room" etc. Dad says I just need to not ever do any of that, or will not even listen to my private opinions----and says I just should act like the Aunt. I feel like I am watching boys grow to men- that are un-equipped for so many future needs. I show lot's of love. Kim
Submitted: 6 years ago.Category: Mental Health
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Mental Health Question
Answered in 9 minutes by:
7/25/2011
Mental Health Professional: AgapeDoc, Psychologist replied 6 years ago
AgapeDoc
AgapeDoc, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 197
Experience: Dr. W. D. Nicholas will help you find solutions to life's challenging issues.
Verified
AgapeDoc :

Thanks for contacting Just Answer - Let's see if I can help here...

AgapeDoc :

It is my goal to answer your question and exceed your expectations - If you are satisfied with my efforts will you click on the accept button?

AgapeDoc :

OK..... I am really glad you contacted me with this specific question because I have dealt with this issue many times as you know about 50% of the families in the U.S. are "blended" for one reason or another just like yours.

AgapeDoc :

Having said that, I can tell by what you have posted that you know how to be a good parent!! :) I must tell you that many times I have to start from square one in terms of building relationships, setting up boundaries and etc.

AgapeDoc :

Now here is the core response that I believe will help - it may not be what you want to hear right away, but I can tell you that this is what has helped so many other step families and I will further assert that almost all experts agree with this approach......

AgapeDoc :

I'm not suggesting that your husband is right - HOWEVER....... in some regards ***** ***** a point (please stay with me - I really want to help).

AgapeDoc :

Anytime a step parent comes in and tries to assume the disciplinary responsibilities, it can turn into a no win situation for all involved. This happens for a number of reasons and you are a first hand witness to some of that now (based on your post of the kids telling you that their "real" mom would never make them do that). While this may or may not be true, there is no response that you can give that will be adequate, and in fact if you respond at all you are likely to let them take you "down a rabbit hole". And as I said, nobody wins here.... you don't get the respect you (richly) deserve, the kids don't get the discipline they need and if fact may end up resenting both you and there mother (remember these are kids and they don't always think rationally).

AgapeDoc :

So, what to do?

AgapeDoc :

Well, here is the only way to make it work - no, it won't be easy, but it will work and what you are doing now is not working and could potentially get worse :(

AgapeDoc :

Here is what you need to do... you need to support your husband in HIS efforts to discipline the his kids in the same way he need to support you in the disciplining of your kids. Yes, I heard you say that he is not much of a disciplinarian - I definitely heard that - however...... That is not an option any more!

AgapeDoc :

Now, here is how it really works. You two must agree to be "allies" for the love not only of each other, but for the love of all the kids. Then you two develop a plan of action as to what the expectations are.

AgapeDoc :

Once you agree on this plan, he explains it to his kids and you explain it to yours. You let them know the expectations and the consequences for completing their tasks (positive reinforcement such as going to the movies, etc) as well as the consequences for not completing their tasks (losing privileges, etc).

AgapeDoc :

Since you seem to be the one to take charge of the home for matters such as this, there is good news :)

AgapeDoc :

When you and your husband create you plan behind closed doors, he can let you take the lead - the kids don't have to know this - it will be between you and him. Just present it as a plan you both created and present it with a unified front.

AgapeDoc :

Also, part of the idea is that he says to his kids, I am in charge of raising you. If you have problems you can come to me, but understand that I will consult with my wife as she is my support. Also, even though I am in charge, I expect you to show her total respect as she deserves it.

AgapeDoc
AgapeDoc, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 197
Experience: Dr. W. D. Nicholas will help you find solutions to life's challenging issues.
Verified
AgapeDoc and 87 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Mental Health Professional: AgapeDoc, Psychologist replied 6 years ago
Thanks
Ask Your Own Mental Health Question
Ask AgapeDoc Your Own Question
AgapeDoc
AgapeDoc
AgapeDoc, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 197
197 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Dr. W. D. Nicholas will help you find solutions to life's challenging issues.

AgapeDoc is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much

Corrie MollPretoria, South Africa

I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well!

ClaudiaAlbuquerque, NM

Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion.

KevinBeaverton, OR

Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
I feel better already! Thank you.

ElanorTracy, CA

Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem.

JulieLockesburg, AR

You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions.

John and StefanieTucson, AZ

I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!!

Janet VPhoenix, AZ

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

Dr. Keane

Dr. Keane

Therapist

1,379 satisfied customers

Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.

TherapistMarryAnn

TherapistMarryAnn

Therapist

3,984 satisfied customers

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.

Dr. Olsen

Dr. Olsen

Psychologist

2,336 satisfied customers

PsyD Psychologist

Norman M.

Norman M.

Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA

2,246 satisfied customers

ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.

Dr. Michael

Dr. Michael

Psychologist

2,177 satisfied customers

Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.

Steven Olsen

Steven Olsen

Therapist

1,728 satisfied customers

More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education

Anna

Anna

Mental Health Professional

1,656 satisfied customers

Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.

< Previous | Next >

Related Mental Health Questions
Marryann,Can I ask why do you think my ocd has latched onto
Hi marryann,Can I ask why do you think my ocd has latched onto memories where I remember thinking about something?… read more
TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn
Therapist
Master's Degree
3,984 satisfied customers
I️ have bad anxiety and depression at times (comes in spells
I️ have bad anxiety and depression at times (comes in spells not all the time) but when I️ am, I️ tend to have bad fixated thoughts and repeat in my head, I've talked to someone before and they've hel… read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
722 satisfied customers
I discovered my husband of 28 yrs had emotional affair w/
I discovered my husband of 28 yrs had emotional affair w/ another woman who was also married. The nite I discovered the affair, I informed her I was going to her workplace in a. M. to confront her. Af… read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
722 satisfied customers
Well i dont really know ... i feel like im not in control
well i dont really know ... i feel like im not in control over my life anymore ...i do things that i dont want to .. i have these thoughts, dark thoughts its like a cloud over my life ... one moment im feeling like i just should quit everything and leave everything behind me, my family my "friends" and just get lost somewhere and never come back ...and after 10 minutes i beat my self why did i think something like that ..thats not what i want thats not what would be good for me ..but still the dark cloud takes over and i cant think straight i just want my life to be back you know … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
168 satisfied customers
I have yet to respond to a medication that will even touch
I have yet to respond to a medication that will even touch my depression and anxiety. I can't hardly leave the house. My anxiety is at it's worse and I feel like I'm running out of options. I'm highly… read more
Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik
PSYCHIATRIST ( MD Psychiatry)
Doctoral Degree
203 satisfied customers
It's my 6th week on zoloft and I still am nauseous every
It's my 6th week on zoloft and I still am nauseous every day. I was going to try lexapro but thought I would stick it out a little longer with zoloft. Is this normal and will it ever subside ?… read more
Dr Uzair
Dr Uzair
FCPS (R) General Surgery
M.B.,B.S. FCPS
3,661 satisfied customers
My 21 year old son flunked out of college last year so I
My 21 year old son flunked out of college last year so I told him he had to get a job. He did & to my amazement he landed a career job as a mail carrier. I too am a mail carrier & thanks to the post o… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
168 satisfied customers
I have alwayas been an anxious person but now that i am
I have alwayas been an anxious person but now that i am older it has become worse i have frequent panic attacks, which make me have cold sweats, short of breath. I haven't been able to get any sleep m… read more
Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik
PSYCHIATRIST ( MD Psychiatry)
Doctoral Degree
203 satisfied customers
I am having trouble going through life every day. It's a
I am having trouble going through life every day. It's a struggle to get out of the bed, to feel normal, to feel happy. I panic at the thoughts of going out with friends or family. Anytime I need to c… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
168 satisfied customers
Can a person have earned a college degree yet be on the
Hi Can a person have earned a college degree yet be on the autism spectrum and also have a reduced intellectual functioning in work and/or other stressful situations?… read more
Linda D.
Linda D.
Master\u0027s Degree
723 satisfied customers
December 12, 2009 I have what a counselor called an
December 12, 2009 I have what a counselor called an "unofficial" relationshiop with a psychologist who owns his own psychology company. After a bad start (he threw out one e-mailing as "inappropriate"… read more
psychlady
psychlady
Clinical Director
Master\u0027s Degree
3,517 satisfied customers
My husband was the unfavored second son, raise with an older
My husband was the unfavored second son, raise with an older brother that was much favored by their mother. My husband has for all the 57 years of our marriage has constantly sought out attention and … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
168 satisfied customers
My mother believe I am a psychopath and refuse to have
My mother believe I am a psychopath and refuse to have anything to do with me. I joke about it, but sometimes I worry that she is right, because it seems impossible for me to love a man. I sometimes f… read more
Linda D.
Linda D.
Master\u0027s Degree
723 satisfied customers
For a PHYSICIAN please help I have terrible pure obsessional
For a PHYSICIAN please help I have terrible pure obsessional ocd which means i have no outward compulsions. i have had it 11 years. i have been on zoloft 11 years and I am wishing to try other therapi… read more
Dr. Vikas
Dr. Vikas
Associate Professor
M.D (Psychiatry)
33 satisfied customers
Marryann I have been telling myself all day 'I would
Hi marryann I have been telling myself all day 'I would remember a such an a event thank you!! But just still stuck on a few memories I haveI use to tell my dad everything one time I went into the gar… read more
TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn
Therapist
Master's Degree
3,984 satisfied customers
I feel stressed, I don't know if my stress levels are normal
Hello , I feel stressed , I don't know if my stress levels are normal or do I need to seek medical help … read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
722 satisfied customers
My 17 yr old daughter has said that she is sexually
My 17 yr old daughter has said that she is sexually attracted to her dad. When asked he says he does not feel attracted to her and doesn't treat her any differently from her sister. She has made sever… read more
psychlady
psychlady
Clinical Director
Master\u0027s Degree
3,517 satisfied customers
Does Zoloft cause weight gain? My doctor increased my dosage
Does Zoloft cause weight gain? My doctor increased my dosage from 100 to 150 mg/day a few weeks ago. I've been gaining weight. I don't want to trade one problem for a different problem. At least when … read more
Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik
PSYCHIATRIST ( MD Psychiatry)
Doctoral Degree
203 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x