Mental Health

Have Mental Health Questions? Ask a Psychiatrist Online

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

Mental Health

Can’t penetrate my wife’s vagina, even though I'm hard/she’s wet

Customer Question
I've recently been married. My...
I've recently been married. My wife was a virgin and I was experienced. The first 8 times we had sex it worked fine (she did not participate at all in foreplay etc. but I penetrated her and orgasmed as well after 10-15 minutes of sex). However the last 4 times she has been active in foreplay and I could not penetrate her. It seems like she is contracting her vagina muscles and I cannot find a way to get in. We have tried the missionary position. I have tried putting her legs on my shoulders also. She has been very wet and I am lost for words as I cannot go inside her. After trying 3-4 times I lose my erection. Everytime I try to go in it seems like she pushes her body away from me, even though she is saying that she is not moving. Please tell us what we should do!!!!
Submitted: 6 years ago.Category: Mental Health
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Mental Health Question
Answered in 1 hour by:
7/15/2011
Mental Health Professional: Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist replied 6 years ago
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Verified
Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

It seems that your wife may have a diagnosable disorder called Vaginismus, where a woman experiences a cramping contraction of her vaginal muscles when she tries to have sexual intercourse, The resulting pain or discomfort which may ensue, is enough to prevent consummation of a marriage, even for years, if untreated.

In your case, you had consumation, but now the vaginismus is more hard to resist or impossible to resist, then she will resist sex, become frustrated, and lose self-esteem. Your rejection can lead to impotent or low self esteem.

Vaginismus can be caused by other sorts of sexualual dysfunction including lack of interest, arousal, or orgasm, and is probably not due to a medical condition.

Vaginismus is highly treatable. For some preliminary information you can look at this commercial website, which is very informative. I know nothing about their package, but the information is excellent.

I also recommend any of the following books, available at Amazon.com and elsewhere:

When Sex Seems Impossible: Stories of Vaginismus & How You Can Achieve Intimacy by Peter T. Pacik, Joni B. Cole and Nicole M. Piar

Completely Overcome Vaginismus: The Practical Approach to Pain-Free Intercourse, Book 1 and 2 by Mark & ***** *****

There are also vaginismus kits available at the above website and also several at amazon.com

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_4_24?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=vaginismus+treatment+kit&sprefix=vaginismus+treatment+kit&rh=i%3Aaps%2Ck%3Avaginismus+treatment+kit&ajr=8

You can see a gynecologist or a certified sex therapist for treatment as well. You can overcome this disorder. Be loving and patient, and you will achieve success.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC
Ask Your Own Mental Health Question
Customer reply replied 6 years ago
But she is really into the foreplay and enjoys it. She wants to have sex with me really bad and is even okay with me keep trying over and over again. I tried several times and have also put my finger inside her. We never had a problem like this before so why is this Vaginismus acting up now, after 5 months of marriage? Not sure if that is the case with her. Can you explain a bit more please?
Mental Health Professional: Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist replied 6 years ago
Dear friend,

The condition you described is based on a physical reality, a tightening of the vaginal muscles, even though she consciously wants penetration and enjoys foreplay. Why this has happened after five months of marriage is impossible for me to say, without having any counseling sessions with her, and without seeing a gynecological report.

By classical medical definition she has vaginismus (DSM-IV TR diagnosis 306.51 - Vaginismus). It is treatable. I am sure it brings a great deal of anxiety to both of you. Rest assured, it can be fixed and if you follow treatment, whether professional or self-help treatment using authoritative information.

Having the will to have sex is a very positive sign. Nevertheless, the strong contractions are real. This condition is fairly common, and is just about always overcome.

Have her see her gynecologist first, just to rule out any other causes of this muscle spasm. I also recommend seeing a licensed counseor or marriage and family therapist who is ALSO certified as a Sex Therapist. This is their area of expertise and their profession involves this kind of problem.

Your marriage will be fine. Be positive, be patient, and take action as soon as possible. Everything will turn out fine.

Best wishes,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC
Ask Your Own Mental Health Question
Customer reply replied 6 years ago
Where is the website on your answer? I cannot believe that this is the case as I can put my finger inside her but my penis cannot find a way in. She will definitely not agree with this assessment.
Mental Health Professional: Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist replied 6 years ago
Dear friend,

Dear friend,

Here is the code listing in the DSM-IV (the mental health diagnostic "bible")

http://counsellingresource.com/lib/distress/dsm-codes/dsm-code/

and here is one excellent definition and explanation.

http://www.minddisorders.com/Py-Z/Vaginismus.html

It is possible that the contraction leaves enough of an opening for something as narrow as a finger, but not large as a penis, which has a considerable large diameter and is not articulated like a finger is.

If her condition is not wholly medical, then it falls into this category. I understand that it may be very worriesome for her, but she should rest assured that she can fully recover. Sometimes it is hard to accept the actual diagnosis (naming) of a condition, The condition exists, it is real, and is treatable, no matter what you call it.

Writing for advice is a positive first step, but there are more steps that have to be followed in order to confirm (or deny) the initial assessment. There is a REAL problem however, and it has to be addressed. Assure your wife that you are behind her all of the way, and help her to get the appropriate treatment so as to get your relationship back in order.

I have great empathy for your situation, but I have seen others recover fully, and so urge you to take a positive outlook on this. Easing of anxiety and tension is part of the cure.

Best wishes,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC
Ask Your Own Mental Health Question
Customer reply replied 6 years ago
My wife wanted to point out that my penis went flaccid after trying to penetrate her almost immediately. I got it erect again and tried again and after not being able to penetrate went flaccid again. That happened from 3-4 times on four different occasions. What I try to explain to her is that I have never felt this way before. She turns me on and I am very hard before I try to penetrate. But when I feel this "resistance" to penetrate I lose my erection as I get the feeling that I am hitting a "wall". She cannot understand how it is possible for me to feel that way, especially because she is participating at such an intense level and in my opinion is doing everything right. I am very attracted to her and we are both desperate to have sex with each other.
Mental Health Professional: Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist replied 6 years ago
Dear friend,

I really hear you and your wife's pain about this matter. I understand how much you love and desire each other.

In effect, your penis IS hitting a wall, the contracted vagina wall which is not letting it penetrate. The usual result of this is that the man loses his erection and becomes flaccid. This IS the way vaginismus is characterized and diagnosed.

I understand that your wife is having trouble accepting that she may be diagnosed with a disorder. This is not something to be ashamed of. It is no failure on her part, or on your part either. It doesn't have anything for your love or passion for each other.

If you deny its existence it will not go away. However, you can get treatment for it and it is known as the most treatable of sexual dysfunctions.

Please don't get angry at the messenger for delivering the message. I am a knoweldgable, well-trained, licensed professional who works very dilligently to help his clients and present factual information. I have to do my best because I do this for a living and I enjoy helping others with their problems.

Please check this out on the website or others. When you see that I have done my job in good faith and have presented you factual information, and have urged you to seek face to face help, please try to accept what is going on, and please accept my answer for providing you with an accurate and caring answer.

Best wishes,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC
Ask Your Own Mental Health Question
Customer reply replied 6 years ago
I am sorry but this answer is one that both my wife and I cannot agree with. Her entire lower body stiffens up, not just her vagina.
Mental Health Professional: Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist replied 6 years ago
Thank you for getting back to me. I wish you had given this very essential symptom at the first, although it doesn't change my view, except that you are very resistant to hearing what is going on. You should not be ashamed of having a problem. Many people have this problem and it can be fixed.

I believe that your wife, and perahps you, are in denial about the fact that there is a problem. When clients do not like to face reality they just don't accept the truth. You have described a psychiatric condition that manifests itself physically.

She is not paralyzed, except by some kind of fear. You cannot get help until you admit that you have a problem and then go to the proper specialist for help. I made some recomendations which you do not accept. I have given you lots of my valued time, in good faith, without compensation, and it is seems that I too have come upon a hard wall and cannot be heard.

I wish you the best of luck in finding help for your problem.

Yours truly,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC
Ask Your Own Mental Health Question
Ask Elliott, LPCC, NCC Your Own Question
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
7,664 Satisfied Customers
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much

Corrie MollPretoria, South Africa

I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well!

ClaudiaAlbuquerque, NM

Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion.

KevinBeaverton, OR

Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
I feel better already! Thank you.

ElanorTracy, CA

Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem.

JulieLockesburg, AR

You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions.

John and StefanieTucson, AZ

I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!!

Janet VPhoenix, AZ

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

Dr. Keane

Dr. Keane

Therapist

1,379 satisfied customers

Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.

TherapistMarryAnn

TherapistMarryAnn

Therapist

4,021 satisfied customers

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.

Dr. Olsen

Dr. Olsen

Psychologist

2,336 satisfied customers

PsyD Psychologist

Norman M.

Norman M.

Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA

2,246 satisfied customers

ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.

Dr. Michael

Dr. Michael

Psychologist

2,177 satisfied customers

Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.

Steven Olsen

Steven Olsen

Therapist

1,728 satisfied customers

More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education

Anna

Anna

Mental Health Professional

1,656 satisfied customers

Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.

< Previous | Next >

Related Mental Health Questions
I'm a Bipolar 36 year-old male with severe anxiety and
I'm a Bipolar 36 year-old male with severe anxiety and depression. What is the best anxiety medicine I should be taken? I've taken Clonazepam for 8 years and it no longer helps. Would another drug lik… read more
Dr. Phil, MD
Dr. Phil, MD
Internal Medicine Physician
Doctoral Degree
2,674 satisfied customers
Severe anxiety, by- polar manic depress. 6 years, being in
severe anxiety, by- polar manic depress. JA: How long have you been dealing with this? Is there anything in particular that seems to make the symptoms better or worse? Customer: 6 years, being in the … read more
Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik
PSYCHIATRIST ( MD Psychiatry)
Doctoral Degree
204 satisfied customers
I was diagnosed with social anxiety by my psychiatrist at 16
Hi Dr. Wilson, I was diagnosed with social anxiety by my psychiatrist at 16 years old. Fast forward 6 years, and I feel like I am still struggling. I am always nervous when it comes to social engageme… read more
Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie
Masters, Professional Psychology
5 satisfied customers
I have anxiety and recently think it is playing tricks with
Second opinion] Hi. I have anxiety and recently think it is playing tricks with my eyes. Is this possible? Sometimes feel things are moving when there not etc. Thank you… read more
Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik
PSYCHIATRIST ( MD Psychiatry)
Doctoral Degree
204 satisfied customers
My adult daughter is struggling tremendously with anxiety
My adult daughter is struggling tremendously with anxiety and depression. She is on prozac but it's not helping that much. What is the best way to treat depression and anxiety in your opinion. She doe… read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
763 satisfied customers
I have anxiety and recently think it is playing tricks with
Hi. I have anxiety and recently think it is playing tricks with my eyes. Is this possible? Sometimes feel things are moving when there not etc. Thank you… read more
Dr. Phil, MD
Dr. Phil, MD
Internal Medicine Physician
Doctoral Degree
2,674 satisfied customers
I've been taking Prozac and Buspar for some anxiety and
I've been taking Prozac and Buspar for some anxiety and depression. My therapist just added Abilify to help with some lingering depression. At first she was going to add Wellbutrin but decided on Abil… read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
763 satisfied customers
I have issues with anxiety. I meet with a behavioral
I have issues with anxiety. I meet with a behavioral therapist and have practices to help with my anxiety, but I'm feeling super anxious with some current ongoing stress that may continue for the next… read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
763 satisfied customers
Im struggling with anxiety and depression and i have taken
im struggling with anxiety and depression and i have taken several medications cymbalta cipralax and now i am on a new one i forget what it is called … read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
763 satisfied customers
Various diagnosis since 2010; generalized anxiety was the
Various diagnosis since 2010; generalized anxiety was the most popular. PTSD diagnosis in 2016 because of a loss of a child in 2009 as well as the end of my 10 year relationship in 2013. Possible re t… read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
763 satisfied customers
Is this a paid service? History of depression and anxiety.
Past 8 months. Relationship problems make it worse.… read more
Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie
Masters, Professional Psychology
5 satisfied customers
OKMH124211 What is the vest way to prevent anxiety, gain
OKMH124211 What is the vest way to prevent anxiety, gain more self confidence and get rid of tmj syndrome-sometimes teeth grinding affects night into daytime as a bad habit?… read more
Linda D.
Linda D.
Master\u0027s Degree
789 satisfied customers
I have generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks that
I have generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks that I treat and keep managed with BCT, exercise, eating a well balanced diet, and breathing exercises. For the most part this works well. This p… read more
TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn
Therapist
Master's Degree
4,021 satisfied customers
I have generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks at
I have generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks at times. For the most part I have improved a great deal through BCT and other lifestyle changes. I had it terrible after I quit smoking for abou… read more
Linda D.
Linda D.
Master\u0027s Degree
789 satisfied customers
OKMH1212211 I have an extreme medically diagnosed anxiety
OKMH1212211 Hello. I have an extreme medically diagnosed anxiety disorder. Recently, it's been getting worse. Everything makes me anxious and I have panic attacks regularly. I am allergic to all SSRIs… read more
Dr. Ravoof
Dr. Ravoof
Doctoral Degree
1,918 satisfied customers
I would like to know if it is possible for anxiety to cause
Hello,I would like to know if it is possible for anxiety to cause bladderproblems like urinary retention and bladder overactivity. Like if you fear it and you are constantly conscious regarding it, it… read more
TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn
Therapist
Master's Degree
4,021 satisfied customers
I've had anxiety due to trauma... I've had anxiety due to
Hello, I've had anxiety due to trauma... Hello, I've had anxiety due to trauma in the city I lived in, I moved out to a different city, I accidentally spoke to somebody associated with the trauma , in… read more
Vakul Aren
Vakul Aren
Consultant Physician
Post graduation (Liverpool, U.K.)
3,978 satisfied customers
I I have extreme anxiety especially social anxiety I over
I I have extreme anxiety especially social anxiety I over worry about everything and I have PTSD from being stabbed and assaulted I've been prescribed Xanax for years and I got up to 2 mg which was wo… read more
Vakul Aren
Vakul Aren
Consultant Physician
Post graduation (Liverpool, U.K.)
3,978 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x