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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Cant penetrate my wifes vagina, even though Im hard/shes wet

Customer Question

I've recently been married. My wife was a virgin and I was experienced. The first 8 times we had sex it worked fine (she did not participate at all in foreplay etc. but I penetrated her and orgasmed as well after 10-15 minutes of sex). However the last 4 times she has been active in foreplay and I could not penetrate her. It seems like she is contracting her vagina muscles and I cannot find a way to get in. We have tried the missionary position. I have tried putting her legs on my shoulders also. She has been very wet and I am lost for words as I cannot go inside her. After trying 3-4 times I lose my erection. Everytime I try to go in it seems like she pushes her body away from me, even though she is saying that she is not moving. Please tell us what we should do!!!!
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 6 years ago.
Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

It seems that your wife may have a diagnosable disorder called Vaginismus, where a woman experiences a cramping contraction of her vaginal muscles when she tries to have sexual intercourse, The resulting pain or discomfort which may ensue, is enough to prevent consummation of a marriage, even for years, if untreated.

In your case, you had consumation, but now the vaginismus is more hard to resist or impossible to resist, then she will resist sex, become frustrated, and lose self-esteem. Your rejection can lead to impotent or low self esteem.

Vaginismus can be caused by other sorts of sexualual dysfunction including lack of interest, arousal, or orgasm, and is probably not due to a medical condition.

Vaginismus is highly treatable. For some preliminary information you can look at this commercial website, which is very informative. I know nothing about their package, but the information is excellent.

I also recommend any of the following books, available at and elsewhere:

When Sex Seems Impossible: Stories of Vaginismus & How You Can Achieve Intimacy by Peter T. Pacik, Joni B. Cole and Nicole M. Piar

Completely Overcome Vaginismus: The Practical Approach to Pain-Free Intercourse, Book 1 and 2 by Mark & Lisa Carter

There are also vaginismus kits available at the above website and also several at

You can see a gynecologist or a certified sex therapist for treatment as well. You can overcome this disorder. Be loving and patient, and you will achieve success.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
But she is really into the foreplay and enjoys it. She wants to have sex with me really bad and is even okay with me keep trying over and over again. I tried several times and have also put my finger inside her. We never had a problem like this before so why is this Vaginismus acting up now, after 5 months of marriage? Not sure if that is the case with her. Can you explain a bit more please?
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 6 years ago.
Dear friend,

The condition you described is based on a physical reality, a tightening of the vaginal muscles, even though she consciously wants penetration and enjoys foreplay. Why this has happened after five months of marriage is impossible for me to say, without having any counseling sessions with her, and without seeing a gynecological report.

By classical medical definition she has vaginismus (DSM-IV TR diagnosis 306.51 - Vaginismus). It is treatable. I am sure it brings a great deal of anxiety to both of you. Rest assured, it can be fixed and if you follow treatment, whether professional or self-help treatment using authoritative information.

Having the will to have sex is a very positive sign. Nevertheless, the strong contractions are real. This condition is fairly common, and is just about always overcome.

Have her see her gynecologist first, just to rule out any other causes of this muscle spasm. I also recommend seeing a licensed counseor or marriage and family therapist who is ALSO certified as a Sex Therapist. This is their area of expertise and their profession involves this kind of problem.

Your marriage will be fine. Be positive, be patient, and take action as soon as possible. Everything will turn out fine.

Best wishes,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Where is the website on your answer? I cannot believe that this is the case as I can put my finger inside her but my penis cannot find a way in. She will definitely not agree with this assessment.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 6 years ago.
Dear friend,

Dear friend,

Here is the code listing in the DSM-IV (the mental health diagnostic "bible")

and here is one excellent definition and explanation.

It is possible that the contraction leaves enough of an opening for something as narrow as a finger, but not large as a penis, which has a considerable large diameter and is not articulated like a finger is.

If her condition is not wholly medical, then it falls into this category. I understand that it may be very worriesome for her, but she should rest assured that she can fully recover. Sometimes it is hard to accept the actual diagnosis (naming) of a condition, The condition exists, it is real, and is treatable, no matter what you call it.

Writing for advice is a positive first step, but there are more steps that have to be followed in order to confirm (or deny) the initial assessment. There is a REAL problem however, and it has to be addressed. Assure your wife that you are behind her all of the way, and help her to get the appropriate treatment so as to get your relationship back in order.

I have great empathy for your situation, but I have seen others recover fully, and so urge you to take a positive outlook on this. Easing of anxiety and tension is part of the cure.

Best wishes,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
My wife wanted to point out that my penis went flaccid after trying to penetrate her almost immediately. I got it erect again and tried again and after not being able to penetrate went flaccid again. That happened from 3-4 times on four different occasions. What I try to explain to her is that I have never felt this way before. She turns me on and I am very hard before I try to penetrate. But when I feel this "resistance" to penetrate I lose my erection as I get the feeling that I am hitting a "wall". She cannot understand how it is possible for me to feel that way, especially because she is participating at such an intense level and in my opinion is doing everything right. I am very attracted to her and we are both desperate to have sex with each other.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 6 years ago.
Dear friend,

I really hear you and your wife's pain about this matter. I understand how much you love and desire each other.

In effect, your penis IS hitting a wall, the contracted vagina wall which is not letting it penetrate. The usual result of this is that the man loses his erection and becomes flaccid. This IS the way vaginismus is characterized and diagnosed.

I understand that your wife is having trouble accepting that she may be diagnosed with a disorder. This is not something to be ashamed of. It is no failure on her part, or on your part either. It doesn't have anything for your love or passion for each other.

If you deny its existence it will not go away. However, you can get treatment for it and it is known as the most treatable of sexual dysfunctions.

Please don't get angry at the messenger for delivering the message. I am a knoweldgable, well-trained, licensed professional who works very dilligently to help his clients and present factual information. I have to do my best because I do this for a living and I enjoy helping others with their problems.

Please check this out on the website or others. When you see that I have done my job in good faith and have presented you factual information, and have urged you to seek face to face help, please try to accept what is going on, and please accept my answer for providing you with an accurate and caring answer.

Best wishes,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I am sorry but this answer is one that both my wife and I cannot agree with. Her entire lower body stiffens up, not just her vagina.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 6 years ago.
Thank you for getting back to me. I wish you had given this very essential symptom at the first, although it doesn't change my view, except that you are very resistant to hearing what is going on. You should not be ashamed of having a problem. Many people have this problem and it can be fixed.

I believe that your wife, and perahps you, are in denial about the fact that there is a problem. When clients do not like to face reality they just don't accept the truth. You have described a psychiatric condition that manifests itself physically.

She is not paralyzed, except by some kind of fear. You cannot get help until you admit that you have a problem and then go to the proper specialist for help. I made some recomendations which you do not accept. I have given you lots of my valued time, in good faith, without compensation, and it is seems that I too have come upon a hard wall and cannot be heard.

I wish you the best of luck in finding help for your problem.

Yours truly,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC