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It has been a while, being as Im paying for services I

Hello, yes it has been...
Hello, yes it has been a while, being as Im paying for services I really should use them. Well me and my husband after he came back in Dec from deployment. We talked through alot of things got answer from him some probally more than I needed to know but it was best everything came out and all the truth came out. We have been more in love since then we have in the past few yrs. We both say we feel like we are high school sweet hearts again,lol. He would never talk to me about anything, and when I did to him he just would say dont worry about it. Now we BOTH talk to each other about everything, if there is something borthing him he comes to me as I do the same to him. Its the best thing ever to happen to us. We do more to make sure each other is happy. We made a promise to each other at any time we werent happy we would come to one another and talk to fix it instead of him cheating again. He has changed soooo much. Im very happy. Well, the bad thing is he deployed the end of March. It was hard bc we were so happy and we had a different kind of love for one another. He will be gone til Dec of this yr. At first I thought him being gone would give me time to not think about the cheating and the other girls. And up until the past few wks I havent. But I dont no if its just being stressed from not talking to him or what but everything thing I think about leads to him cheating and the girls. I want to know what can I do to help forgive him but mostly try to let go and not think about them! Thanks for your help!!
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Answered in 13 minutes by:
7/13/2011
TherapistMarryAnn
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,896
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

It is so good to hear that you and your husband have worked together and changed your relationship! Kudos to the both of you. It takes work and commitment to take something that could end a marriage and turn it completely around and into something good.

And congratulations on your weight loss!

It is normal after being hurt by your husband's affairs that you would feel scared, anxious and stressed about having him go back into the same situation that he was in when he cheated. But keep in mind, you have a completely different relationship with him now than you did before. It is not the same. And he has made an effort to stay with you in the marriage. Men who cheat don't make such efforts unless they want to stay in the marriage. He would not put in the work and grow so close to you only to throw it away for an affair. There would be something drastically wrong with his personality to be able to do that.

Have you told him about your fear? That is a good way to address how you feel. Allowing him to carry some of the burden of what he put you through is natural too. He needs to reassure you that this time is different. He also should find ways to comfort you. He can contact you when he can, write emails, or send something home to remind you that he is there for you and is not cheating. Reestablishing trust is important.

Keep the lines of communication open and you should do just fine.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

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Customer reply replied 6 years ago

Thank you we are very proud that we are today we both know that we are strong and that we love each other so much. We know that we can make it through anything now bc most people would have gave up and wouldnt be as happy as we are now. Thanks on the weight loss working hard for sure. I have spoken to him regarding my fears, he assures me this wouldnt happen again. Its not so much the fear of him cheating again, I no that probally sounds crazy. I know how much he loves me now, he lets me know with letters and calls. Also he just shows me in a different way. What I cant stop thinking about are the girls...What did they have I dont, does he think about them. Things they did we dont so should I????Its things like this that can eat me alive and drive my nerves crazy!!

I understand. This may have more to do with your self esteem than anything else.

Whenever someone cheats, it is a betrayal. It is picking someone over you. It is saying that they prefer that person over you-- or at least that is how it looks to you. But in reality, cheating is about what is going on with the partner cheating, not about someone better than you. The partner cheating has something going on with them. They may say it was about the marriage, but that is usually an excuse. There are many choices other than cheating to address a problem in the relationship. If cheating is someone's automatic response, then the problem is with them.

Remember, these women were willing to be with a married man. And there was more than one, which means that they were being used by your husband for totally selfish reasons. They themselves did not matter. It was not looks, personality or any other trait that attracted your husband. It was the act of cheating that got his attention. He would not have come back to you otherwise. He knew he loved you.

Keep those things in mind when you think about what happened. Reassure yourself that this is all past and your future does not include these people. And when the thoughts come up, distract yourself. It will help it pass. Focus on the good you are doing now.

Kate

TherapistMarryAnn
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,896
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
Thank you, ***** ***** helped alot...You are right, and Im going to focus on the future with my family as being happy and not living in the past!!

You're welcome! I think you've both really achieved a lot with what you went through. Determination and a willingness to work at your marriage will make it a success. You should look forward to a happy and healthy relationship.

Take care,

Kate

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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
Sorry one last question...Do you recommend any books or things I could do to help with all this. Also I have a question to what do you think I should do...He has a old email address that he used to talk to them girls..I cant put keep looking at it..I know I shouldnt and he hasnt replied on it since we got back together but for some reason I will check it and read past emails between him and some girls..What should I do, I know its not good to keep reading but I still find myself chking it.

It's a good idea that you ask him to erase the email address and get a new one. That can help you with your trust issues and it cuts off the last remaining contact with his past.

Here are some books I recommend:

Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David Lusterman

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. MacDonald M.S.- for your husband

Intimacy After Infidelity: How to Rebuild and Affair-Proof Your Marriage by Steven Solomon and Lorie Teagno

You can find these on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

Kate

TherapistMarryAnn
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,896
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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