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mindhealer, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 693
Experience:  Licensed in MD and am also a Board Certified Diplomate (Advanced Practioner) I have over 10 years experience
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We've been married for over fifteen years and a few weeks

Customer Question

We've been married for over fifteen years and a few weeks back I wanted to leave the house to have a good think about what I wanted from our relationship. My wife and I get on well most of the time but we've had an ongoing issue with sex. I feel we don't have enough of it and my wife feels we have a good sex life, and should think of quality and not quantity. We have three children 12 1/2, 8 and 4 1/2 years of age, all of whom have slept in our bed and the youngest is still in the bed with mum and I'm sleeping in the spare bedroom. We were having sex once or twice a month if I initiated it or hardly ever if I backed off and waited for my wife to come onto me. I would often become withdrawn and sulky when this would happen. I've tried to talk my wife into getting the youngest out of our bed and into her own bedroom so that we can share a bed again but no joy with that.
Because I wanted to leave the house my wife has now realised how serious I feel about the issue and after thinking abo
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  mindhealer replied 6 years ago.
Good afternoon and thank you for the chance to help answer your question. Before I provide an answer or suggestions I'd like to ask what you had further written as you initial question seems to be cut off. I'll await your reply. Thank you.
mindhealer and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Because I wanted to leave the house my wife has now realised how serious I feel about the issue and after thinking about it herself for a week or so has laid down some rules. Sex has been taken off the table and she is not sure she could reignite her desire to sleep with me again or share a bed because of our sexual history, which I’ve learnt has been more about her trying to keep me happy rather than a mutual coming together. She needs time to process things and have some distance between us to allow her to do so effectively. I realise it’s taken us over fifteen years to get to this point but it’s been over three weeks since this was presented to me and the pain of living so far apart even though we share the same house is very difficult for me. Sometimes she wants a hug and I’m there for her and vice versa and other times I feel like she doesn’t want to look at me. I’ve been doing more around the house and trying my best to give her the time and space she needs. Today we talked seriously about a trial separation at some point in this process and seeing a marriage councillor. Do you have any advice?
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer.
the question was incomplete and i've had no reply since completing my question
Expert:  mindhealer replied 6 years ago.
Thank you very much for the additional information. It sounds as though there have been hidden issues that your wife has been having for sometime now. A lot of people stay together for their children despite the marriage itself being on the rocks and oftentimes the other partner is completely unaware of any issues at all until something takes place as you've mentioned.
Based on what you've noted it still sounds ad though you both truly care for one another. I would strongly suggest two things. The first and most obvious one would be to see a marriage counselor together to try and work through your differences and to see if the marriage can be saved. The second would be for each of to see a therapist individually in order to decipher what you want from your life which will help you reach the healthiest decision.
My hope is that you will both be able to come to terms and work through any problems that you have...and most importantly begin to learn to communicate with each other.
I truly hope this helps to answer your question and that you found the suggestions I've offered to be of benefit. Please feel free to ask any further questions as I want to be certain that all your questions are answered to your satisfaction. Thank you again for the opportunity to help.