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mindhealer, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 693
Experience:  Licensed in MD and am also a Board Certified Diplomate (Advanced Practioner) I have over 10 years experience
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My husband's daughter has refused contact with him for the

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My husband's daughter has refused contact with him for the last 10 years because he chose to marry me after her parents divorced. Since that time, but particularly in the last 5 years our relationship has deteriorated. His mood is very dark particularly during family gatherings or holidays and when my son and his cousins, all young adults visit. I can't take the negativity anymore and just don't know what to do about this. He refuses to discuss it.

Good evening and thank you for the opportunity to help in answering your question. First please allow me to say that I am sincerely ***** ***** hear of the difficulty that you're presented with. Based on the detailed information you kindly provided it sounds as though your husband is triggered by your son and his cousins being there at holidays which serves to remind him of his lost relationship with his daughter.

It's my impression that he refuses to discuss it with you or see a therapist in order to not have to admit certain thoughts. My thinking is that he is feeling resentment toward you given the loss of his relationship with his daughter. Mind you the resentment is likely not of his control...meaning that he is experiencing what are called "automatic thoughts" which just pop into his head without any prompting and his resulting dark mood is typically feelings of guilt that he feels this way toward you when he really doesn't feel this.

I imagine the negativity that he presents with is taking a significant toll on you emotionally and I'm sure that it's impacting your own mood and possibly resulting your feeling depressed or down.

Since he is refusing to see a therapist my impression is such that he will likely refuse to see a couples/marital therapist. If you have not yet asked him to do so I would strongly urge you to speak further with him about seeing a therapist together. If he continues to refuse my suggestion to you would be for you to consider seeing a therapist individually in order to work through the emotions that you're likely experiencing. Seeing a therapist will help you to learn to communicate better with your husband despite his negativity as well as learning to cope with the emotional strain that you're having.

I sincerely ***** ***** I have been helpful in answering your question and that my suggestions have been of benefit to you.

Please let me know if you have any further questions that I can help in answering for you. I want to be certain that I have answered your question completely and thoroughly.

If you feel that I've answered your question to your satisfaction then I would greatly appreciate your clicking the ACCEPT button thereby giving me credit for the answer and suggestions I've provided to you. I hope this finds you well and look forward to your response.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.

Thank you for your insight. You may not have the answer to this, but what do you think our chances are for remaining together if he refuses help. I saw a therapist last year for 6 months about this issue and did learn some solid ways to communicate with him and cope with his dark moods, but I feel as though he's deteriorating and so are we as a couple.

Thank you for your help. I'm going to show him your responses in the hopes that it will motivate him.

Thank you for your reply and you are sincerely ***** ***** the answer and the insight. As for chances of working through this...if he refuses to get help then my thought is that his moods will continue to be negative and be dark around you. It may just be at holidays presently but my thought is that it will get worse as time passes. I'm really sorry to say that but I think you need to be aware of all the possibilities to ensure that you are informed.

I'm very glad to hear that you had already seen a therapist and that it's helped you to cope and manage better. I think that by showing him the responses it may very well help him to get a greater degree of understanding as to the impact that he is having on you and the entire family and that in all honesty he's pushing you further and further away if he doesn't see a therapist to help him work through the negativity.

I would also like to suggest a workbook that concentrates on depression and is based on cognitive behavioral therapy which will reinforce the importance of looking at his negative thoughts and the resulting emotional and/or behavioral impact that it has on his own emotional state as well as yours. This will help him gather further insight and understanding as well as help him to begin working toward healing and coping.

Here is a link to the workbook.

Please let me know if you have any further questions before clicking the ACCEPT button as I want to be sure that all your questions are answered.

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