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Our son (aged 40 )has been texting and telephoning women

since a long time. this has...
our son (aged 40 )has been texting and telephoning women since a long time.
this has affected his marriage life so much that there seems to be no physical relations between them. How can we pursuade him to seek help ? He gets angry if we mention mental or psychological reasons for his behavior. Blames his wife and us for his troubles and believes he is the victim.
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Answered in 3 minutes by:
7/7/2011
Doctor Blake
Doctor Blake, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 146
Experience: Ph.D., Ed.S., NCSP Clinical Psychologist; 15+ years of experience; dual licensure
Verified
Doctor Blake :

Good evening, and welcome to JA.

Doctor Blake :

I am sorry to hear that your son is having a difficult time right now.

Doctor Blake :

I am also sorry to convey to you that, as he is a 40 year old man, there is very little, indeed, that you can do to help him.

Doctor Blake :

If your son lives in your house and/or lives off of you financially, then you certainly have certain "incentives" to persuade him.

Doctor Blake :

But nothing that you have indicated in your post suggests that he is in immediate danger of harming himself or someone else. (That is, he is not suicidal or homicidal). In that event, you could have him committed for his own safety.

Doctor Blake :

It is clear, at least from what you have posted, that your son is unlikely to change his behavior. This being the case, I would strongly urge you to seek the support and comfort YOU NEED in order to take care of yourselves.

Doctor Blake :

It is also possible for you to convey to your daughter-in-law and grandchildren (if there are any) that you will continue to love and support them in every possible manner... and perhaps open your home to them even more if that's possible. That will not only convey to them that you love and support them... but may also convey to your son that you intend to help his entire family.

Doctor Blake :

While he may not be ACTING like an adult right now, he IS an adult - and he has the right to make terrible decisions... provided they don't result in direct harm to someone else.

Doctor Blake :

I might encourage you to explore a few books that may help you to "disentangle" yourself from your son's problems.

Doctor Blake :

You might want to consider: When our Grown Kids Disappoint us: Letting go of their problems, Loving them anyway, and Getting on with our lives by ***** ***** or Setting Boundaries with your Adult Children: 6 Steps to Hope & Healing for Struggling Parents by Allison Botke.


Doctor Blake :

I know it's difficult to watch our children (of any age) seemingly self-destruct. I would continue to encourage him, from afar, to seek help for his problems. I would also encourage you to keep your distance so that the destruction doesn't include you.

Doctor Blake :

Remember the pre-take-off speech that the airline attendants give? "In the event of an emergency, please place the drop down oxygen mask on yourself first before assisting any children." Now's the time to take care of YOU.

Doctor Blake :

I realize that this isn't likely what you want to hear... but it is likely the healthiest thing for both of you. If and when your son "comes to his senses," he will be likely be grateful that you didn't interfere with his problems (even if of his own design).

Doctor Blake :

I wish you (and your son) all the best of luck. Please take a moment to consider some of my suggestions.

Doctor Blake :

Thanks. Please click <ACCEPT> unless you have further questions or concerns.

Customer:

Thank you for your advice and your concern for our welfare. Our ages are 79 and 71 .We remain involved with our daughter-in-law and our 3 beautiful grandsons on a daily basis; they spend a lot of time in our house and we care for their needs.

Doctor Blake :

I just see that you entered the chat.

Doctor Blake :

I *do* wish to express my concern and regret about your son's predicament. There really is very little that you can do - other than take care of yourselves, your Daughter-in-law, and your wonderful grandsons. Those boys will long remember your care for them during these difficult times.

Customer:

our concern is that our son may get entangled further with odd women and complicates his life further.

Doctor Blake :

While it is my hope that your son will seek the help he needs, there is no guarantee... and really no way at all that you can persuade him. He needs to realize this himself. You can certainly provide the names and numbers of qualified family therapists to help... but that's probably about it.

Doctor Blake :

To use an analogy, your son is actually *likely* to get into further entanglements before he gets better. As bad as it seems right now, it apparently isn't bad enough for him to do anything about it - so he's not likely to do so.

Doctor Blake :

If I were speaking about an alcoholic, your son hasn't his "rock bottom" yet. While everyone has a different "bottom" (some only have to experience an embarrassing social event or a DUI... some have to be living under a bridge), apparently your son hasn't found his yet.

Customer:

His wife is depressed and quiet and doesn't know what to do. She is not very educated and feels will not be able to support herself and the children once we are not there. Where can our son find help if he agrees?

Doctor Blake :

Well, I would first check with the health insurance policy that your son's family (hopefully) has. It will likely list a number of qualified FAMILY THERAPISTS. I would encourage you to consider pushing him toward a psychologist, social-worker, or counselor... psychiatrists are brilliant at understanding the medical and pharmacological needs of individual patients... but don't tend to have the extensive background in providing therapy to families.

Doctor Blake :

The other good thing - psychologists, social workers, and counselors are less expensive! :)

Doctor Blake :

May I ask what area of the country your son lives in? City/State? I may know some facilities or professionals in your area.

Customer:

please give us some names of specialists who can help people of this addiction.

Doctor Blake :

Well... again... if I can have your city/state, please... that would be very helpful.

Customer:

thank you for your kindness and advice. With best regards.

Doctor Blake :

(And careful... we can't be certain that this is an "addiction" per se... I certainly haven't conducted an evaluation. The family therapist can be most helpful.)

Doctor Blake
Doctor Blake, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 146
Experience: Ph.D., Ed.S., NCSP Clinical Psychologist; 15+ years of experience; dual licensure
Verified
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
during our one free month how do we contact you? For the time being we do not want to subscribe beyond the fee period. Please acknowledge and confirm. Thank yoy
Oh... wow. I honestly don't know how to do that!

Ummm... you could put in the subject line: TO DR. BLAKE... that usually gives experts a hint... and they'll direct questions to me.

Please understand that I'm not always on... nor do I have "routine hours..." but I do check daily and I can always try to confirm a time to chat or figure out other means of connecting.

I hope that helps. (Sorry to be so vague... I really wish I knew the answer to your question.) You might want to contact CUSTOMER SERVICE if there is an option to do so. They should be able to clarify for you.

Hope all is well. :)
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Doctor Blake
Doctor Blake
Doctor Blake, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 146
146 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Ph.D., Ed.S., NCSP Clinical Psychologist; 15+ years of experience; dual licensure

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