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Wow! What a great question.
Of course it's the million dollar question if there ever was one.
There is no easy answer for this as I'm sure you're not surprised to to hear.
The good news is that you realize that this is what you must do. So no matter what, you must do just this.... set up clear and consistent boundaries and make sure everyone sticks to them!
Having said that....... I can tell you that those that have had success with this issue have put everything on the table - that is to say that you openly discuss the bpd tell everyone involved what your goals and expectation are, and how you intend to achieve those goals.
This means that there will be consequences for anyone not adhering to the stated goals and expectations.
The problem comes when my daughter doesn't stick to anything. I guess we are at the point where setting up boundaries is not working for us and we are ready (as ready as any family can be) to say goodby to her because nothing seems to have worked and she is so disruptive. But, no one can turn their backs on the grandchildren. How to stay involved just enought to help the children is the question.
And....... this is real important make sure that everyone accepts the idea that you can revisit any issue that isn't working out.
I'm glad that you have this clarity - that's important and good.. The bad news is that the grandchildren may been seen as pawns by your daughter - so the key is to manage the situation in such a way that is minimized.