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Ask TherapistMarryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5808
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Im still having some problems with my mom, but thought Id

Customer Question

I'm still having some problems with my mom, but thought I'd get your advice on something. Do you have time to chat?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 6 years ago.

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, L :

Good to hear from you again. Sure, go ahead

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, L :

It seems that you might be offlline, so let me know when you are available again.

TherapistMarryAnn and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I'm available now- sorry about that. Can you let me know when you're available?
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 6 years ago.

I'm here. Go ahead and give me an idea of what is going on.



Customer: replied 6 years ago.
It's trying to charge me again when I try to chat with you!! :( Help?
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 6 years ago.

I'm not sure why it's doing that. You can either ignore it or contact the moderators and they can help you.


You might also want to try responding to this thread. If you try to start another question through chat, it may think you are asking another question and therefore try to charge you.



Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Oh, okay- That's weird, sorry for all the back and forth. Do you remember what we talked about before?

Well, my mom had planned to come out here to see us- we haven't seen her in 2 years or talked to her much because she's been ignoring us. Then she cancelled the trip. Then she re-instated the trip, but this time wants to bring the boyfriend she left my dad for. We tried to politely ask her not to bring him, but she was insisting. Also, she booked a hotel about 10 blocks from my dad's house, so I think she's trying to play some kind of game. Now she's cancelled again. She's really being insensitive to her kids. I can show you the letters if it would help. Should I just write her off? I suggested therapy like you recommended but she just ignored me.
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 6 years ago.

Yes, I do remember your situation. And thanks for requesting to talk with me again. I am glad to be able to help.


It certainly sounds like your mother has some issues going on.


If she ignored the suggestion of therapy, then she may either be scared to go with you, or she does not want to. But any attempt to try to work on the relationship should be met with some interest by her. If she ignores you, that is not a good sign about how she feels.


Your mother needs to visit without her boyfriend at this point. It should be obvious to her that you and your family are not ready to meet with her boyfriend or accept her life choices right now. Your family needs her attention and those damaged relationships need to be repaired before other people, like a boyfriend, are brought in. If your mother tries to bring in a boyfriend at this point, it is only going to cause more friction and more heartache.


And the fact that she is trying to do this right nearby your father is not good, either. Stirring up trouble and trying to hurt your father is not going to help things. It leaves you and your family to take sides, and that is not in her favor, either.


If she was willing to work with you on these problems it might be a good idea to try to stay in contact with her. But if you feel she is only doing these things for her own advantage, then it may be a good idea to back off for a while and give her space. If she contacts you, let her know that you are busy and cannot deal with the situation for now. Then leave it at that. This gives you time to step out of the situation and get a break to think things through. But it also leaves a door open in case you think it all through and change your mind about trying again with your mom.


Let me know what you think,


Customer: replied 6 years ago.
That's exactly what she's doing- trying to work things to her own advantage, as usual. I don't believe she'll ever change, and that is very sad. She seems to think she's in the right, but I won't let her bully me. She's a very sad, unhappy person.
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 6 years ago.

It sounds like she might be trying to work this to her advantage.


If you feel she would not change, then you certainly can cut all ties to her. Just be sure to be good to yourself afterward. Allow yourself time to mourn not so much the relationship you had with her, but what should have been. Everyone deserves loving and kind parents who want the best for them and care enough to be there. When you don't get that in your life, there is a sense of disappointment and sadness. It is a loss. So don't forget to allow yourself those feelings if you choose to end your relationship with your mother.