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Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  PsyD, LPC, CHt
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My husband often flies off the handle over small things and

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My husband often flies off the handle over small things and is quick to complain that I am always the problem. He gets angry If i "question him" as to where he has been for hours or why he wouldn't answer his phone or why he got so angry out of the blue and had to go "get away and calm down" at a bar. If I don't have everything the way he thinks it should be he gets angry. (ex:if bathroom window is not left open he flies into a rage and immediately starts with the name calling and put downs) He doesn't communicate or deal with issues that come up other than to get angry and berate me and call me names or walk away and be gone for hours. His mood are pretty consistant but the swings are getting more often and longer. He is not sympathetic and is unable to empathize with anyone or anything. It's almost like he sees himself as the perfect person, the king of his world and always the persecuted one. He seems to get worse as the years go by. Is he bi-polar or have some kind of menta
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 6 years ago.


"Is he bi-polar or have some kind of menta .."

Your question had gotten cut off but if you're asking if he has a bipolar disorder or not, bipolar disorder is a mood disorder in the depressive condition's spectrum. It is marked by mania and depression. You've mentioned that his mood is pretty consistent otherwise except the anger outbursts and the high expectations and lack of sympathy. If he has never been manic and then had a period of severe depression, most likely other things are causing his behavior. Note that increased sense of esteem will be present at all times in someone with narcissistic traits versus someone who is manic (he'd feel that way mostly during the manic episode)

Some speculations (since he would need a face to face evaluation for a concrete diagnosis) are: traits of obsessive compulsive disorder, narcissistic traits (due to his lack of empathy) intermittent explosive disorder. People can have different traits of various conditions and not meet full criteria for a diagnosis. Moodiness/anger can be caused by depression (not necessarily bipolar disorder) Hormonal changes (high levels of testosterone also can trigger aggression/irritability)

His behavior can also be opportunistic. He's made a habit of acting this way and believes that he can carry on treating you like this because he does not suffer any consequences in return. If he refuses to get to see a professional, that can also be as a result of personality disorder traits.

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Customer: replied 6 years ago.

His father was very abusive and controlling as he was growing up. His mom stood by and watched his dad abuse him and also suffered in silence to his dad's controlling and verbal abuse. He started abusing drugs and alcohol at age 13 and even though now he only smokes weed he still abuses it and drinks a lot. I can't make him stop or cut back on that, I can't get him to see that his verbal abuse is destroying our family and I can't make him see things as they really are, so what can I do?! I agree he has been allowed to mistreat me with really no consequences but is it too late to change that now? I have told him, if this continues I will be leaving and taking our son and his response "is life goes on". As far as his moods go, he generally wakes up angry and irritated. The only time he isn't is when he comes back from mountain biking and even that mood only lasts a few hours before he is back to his negative, angry, mean self. If I know he needs psychological help or he needs a consequence to his behavoir I'd know which way to go or better how to respond to him. What direction should I go? Can you help me understand more about the personality traits you mentioned; what they are, etc...

Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 6 years ago.

" what can I do? is it too late to change that now? What direction should I go?"

You are correct about not being able to change him. In the event that he has a personality disorder of sorts, these sort of disorders are not per se curable. Someone who has even the traits of such a disorder (narcissistic, obsessive compulsive personality disorder, etc) can manage their behavior only if they chose to. In his case, from what you've shared and the pattern of his behavior thus far, past behavior is a decent predictor of future behavior. Besides him not wanting to change (or even engage in some sort of self introspection and see how his behavior affects others), it may be a case where this behavior is all he knows (meaning what you see is what you get; he's not depriving others of the better side of himself because that side is either minimal or non existent)

If you look back, there must of been something that had attracted you to him in the past. If you believe that this part of him is still there, you can try to access it (talk about him how things were at one point, ask him where does he think all of these things had gone/what had caused that, etc) Of course, he has to be open to talk to you. All you're trying to do is see it from his point of view (what makes him unhappy if he knows what that is, what angers him, does he have any hopes/dreams and so on) He does not sound like a happy person. Someone who is angry most of the time must feel miserable deep down inside. You may want to think about connecting with others in similar situations and see what they've got to say. There are some free online support groups and you can do it anonymously.

You already realize that you cannot change him and that he has to want to change. Then, you've got to think about how you would want to live your life hence forth.

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