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My husband and I have been together for 15 years. For most

of those years I have...
My husband and I have been together for 15 years. For most of those years I have been unhappy. We have tried counseling, talking, etc. I am finally completely out of love with him and want out. He wants to give the marriage another chance. Do I try one more time or move on?
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Answered in 10 minutes by:
6/23/2011
Doctor Blake
Doctor Blake, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 146
Experience: Ph.D., Ed.S., NCSP Clinical Psychologist; 15+ years of experience; dual licensure
Verified
Doctor Blake :

Good morning and welcome to JA.

Doctor Blake :

I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing difficulties with your marriage at this point... although it appears that you have been struggling for many many years.

Doctor Blake :

I am most suprised that you have decided it was worth asking, "do I try one more time or move on?"

Doctor Blake :

This statement doesn't match the previous one: "I am finally completely out of love with him and want out."

Doctor Blake :

So, if the second statement is true - about wanting out - why would you be seeking permission?

Doctor Blake :

Guilt? Fear? Hope?

Customer:

I am out of love with him, but he is not out of love with me and i was raised very reliously to not divorce.

Customer:

It's guilt. I'll crush him when i leave.

Doctor Blake :

CHOICE: what will be harder to live with: (a) leaving him and residual feelings of guilt toward him/religious community or (b) staying with a man you don't love. ...?

Doctor Blake :

If the answer is it will be harder to stay, then you must go. If the answer is, it will be harder to leave... then yes, indeed, for your own well-being, you may need to "try one more time."

Customer:

Staying. B/c I'll always resent him. I don't know if he could ever make me feel love towards him again which is what he wants to try and do.

Doctor Blake :

See! I'm always heartened when I see folks answering their own questions. You know what you need to do!

Doctor Blake :

I would strongly encourage you to seek some support for yourself (and children?!?) as you make this transition.

Customer:

No kids. Just cats.

Doctor Blake :

That support might include your church - but many many churches offer "divorce support groups" for couples as they split up.

Doctor Blake :

You will also likely need to legal guidance to make certain that your "going separate ways" is done cleanly and with little "loose threads" left behind.

Doctor Blake :

Do you have family, friends, coworkers nearby who can also support you?

Doctor Blake :

Please also be prepared: if he won't leave, you need to.

Customer:

I plan on leaving. We moved away from everything recently so my support network is not close by, however, I do have some people who are willing to help me in my transition. The hardest thing is going to be telling him that I am not willing to work on this relationship. He is going to want me out today and I have nowhere to go.

Doctor Blake :

While it certainly doesn't seem as though there are mental health issues here, per se... you might benefit from some counseling and support to help with feelings of guilt (should they crop up) or loss (which might also happen). I don't think it's NECESSARY - but it's another resource to consider.

Doctor Blake :

A day or two in a hotel might also be a good treat for you. You deserve some "feeling good."

Customer:

Also, where do I get legal counsel? I don't have much money of my own to pay a lawyer.

Doctor Blake :

What city or state do you live in?

Customer:

Florida Keys. 28 miles from Key West.

Doctor Blake :

#1... it *is* possible to file for divorce or dissolution without the aide of a lawyer. It will likely take longer as you explore how to write and submit the paperwork to the courts. This is, obviously, much less expensive than working with an attorney.

Doctor Blake :

#2... I realize this isn't exactly close by, but Legal Services of Greater Miami *says* that they offer low-cost or pro bono services to some clients. http://www.lsgmi.org/ Another option is to seek out legal aide services on a county level. In some cases, seeking out a social services network (such as the county community mental health center or women's shelter) will get you closer to that kind of service. [I realize that you are not in need of their other services, but they could at least point you in the right direction.]

Customer:

Thank you.

Doctor Blake :

Ahhh... (I had this information for Ohio, but not FLorida). You might want to check http://www.stateofflorida.com/Portal/DesktopDefault.aspx?tabid=64 as they offer some of the background legal information needed for filing divorce/dissolution in Florida - including the paperwork needed and route to go.

Doctor Blake :

I wish you the best of luck. Hope all goes well as you embark on a new life!

Doctor Blake :

Please click <ACCEPT.>

Doctor Blake
Doctor Blake, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 146
Experience: Ph.D., Ed.S., NCSP Clinical Psychologist; 15+ years of experience; dual licensure
Verified
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Doctor Blake
Doctor Blake
Doctor Blake, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 146
146 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Ph.D., Ed.S., NCSP Clinical Psychologist; 15+ years of experience; dual licensure

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