Mental Health

Have Mental Health Questions? Ask a Psychiatrist Online

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

Mental Health
This answer was rated:

My husband is not in love with me anymore. it's been several

my husband is not in...
my husband is not in love with me anymore. it's been several years;he describes it as "there's just something not there anymore, something missing". i feel that love is a choice. he does not agree; what do you say to a couple in which one has fallen out of love w/ the other? we married almost 10 years, w/ two small children
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Mental Health Question
Answered in 1 hour by:
6/15/2011
Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience: Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
Verified
I am sorry to hear about your sad situation. Can you give me a little more information so I can help you better. Sorry if these questions bring up more pain.
Is there someone else?
Has your appearance changed substantially?
How is/was your sex life?
I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Mark Manley
Ask Your Own Mental Health Question
Customer reply replied 6 years ago
Initially, when all this came about, I did discover my husband had been corresponding w/ an ex girlfriend from highschool via facebook, text messages, phone calls; they even met up together 2 or 3 times; this all transpired over 3 months, and it has been 2 1/2 years since. I understand why and how it happened; we had drifted apart and were very busy w/ jobs and children, not really paying much attention to one another. we weren't talking much, and for that time period were not intimate... we both admit to being lazy and getting used to not having sex. All in all, I do understand that it was a time in his life in which he was lonely, and she filled a need for him. He firmly claims they were just friends and nothing happened and he had no romantic feelings for her. There has been no contact in a very long time as far as I know. I may have thought initially that she was the reason for "all this", but I know now that that is not the case. My husband will say that he doesn't know when or how, but somehow along the way his feelings changed. To answer your next question, I will tell you that I may be 10-15 lbs heavier than when we married, but I am still just as beautiful. I take very good care of myself- I work out, I always look nice- I always have my make up on; I take great pride in my appearance. My husband will say that this has nothing to do w/ how I look. He still thinks I'm drop dead gorgeous. It's just that those feelings are "not there anymore". And really, I am kind and have a really good reputation; I'm bright; I have a BSN and have been working as a RN for 12 years. Now, as for your last question, we have a very active sex life. I will remind you that for a time period we were not having sex, but we now have it several times a week, and that's been for over 2 years now. But my husband has boundaries; he never kisses me intimately, and honestly, it's great sex, but not making love, which I yearn for. I really just don't get it. He is all over me in the bedroom, but it's not the way it should be. He never tells me he loves me- ever; he says that's b/c he doesn't want to be fake; he wants to mean it when he says it. I know couples can re connect when something like this happens in a marriage; but my husband has this wall up and he just won't let me in. When we talk about separating, he often says that I deserve better- I deserve someone to love me the way I should be loved, that I deserve someone better than him, someone who can give me what he can't. I still love my husband very much; but when someone doesn't reciprocate that love, anger seeps in. I feel angry all the time, and I know that doesn't help at all to be that way. When we met and fell in love, it was magical. It was all that I thought it should be. But I'm committed; I'm fighting so hard to keep this marriage together; a lot of it is for the sake of the kids, but also b/c I don't believe divorce is the answer; I don't think we would all be better off as a family if Jason and I were divorced.
Customer reply replied 6 years ago
Two and a half years ago my husband came up to me and said his feelings for me had changed. I knew things were off, but I never would have thought this. We were very busy managing careers and a house and two small children. But we had lost sight of each other; we weren't really talking, and we weren't being intimate sexually. I found out he had re connected w/ and old highschool girlfriend via Facebook. They exhanged phonecalls, text messages, e mails and corresponded via Facebook; they even met up 2 or 3 times that I know of. And I understand why it happened; he was feeling lonely and ignored and she was there to listen and laugh with and make him feel good. So I get it. As far as I know, there has been no contact for over 2 years and he states they were only just friends.
You asked if my appearance has changed; not really; I may be 10 lbs heavier than when we married, but I am still just as beautiful. I am told that all the time. My husband even says my looks have nothing to do with any of this; he thinks I'm drop dead gorgeous. But he just doesn't feel the same way about me any more. It's a shame, really, b/c I am just as beautiful on the inside as the outside. And I'm stable, you know? I have no real issues; I have good job; I'm well educated. I work as an RN in a busy ER, and I've been at the same job for over 12 years.I contribute greatly to the finances in this household. I have a very good reputation. And I'm a wonderful mother; I maintain a clean, organized household and we have two wonderful children.
As for our sex life, there was a time when we weren't having sex; but when all this surfaced, that immediately changed; we are now intimate several times a week. It's wonderful, but it's not making love, which I yearn for. My husband is all over me in the bedroom, but it's not what it should be. He never says I love you, and he with holds physical affection from me outside of the bedroom. He says that he doesn't want to be fake; that he cannot act on feelings that he doesn't really have. That's when we argue about love being a choice versus a feeling. He has this wall up and he will not let me in.
Something is going on with him that you don't know about yet. I don't know what it is but some puzzle piece(s) are still missing here.
Possibilities are: Midlife crises, more involved (at least mentally) with the other woman than you know, emotional block to attachment due to childhood emotional trauma, low level depression, unrealistic relationship expectations (you are in the working phase of your relationship vs. honeymoon or early stage),
difficulty dealing with the demands of marriage and family with young children in the picture. Or something else I haven't guessed.
What ever it may be he may or may not be conscious of the issue(s).
The best thing he could do, if he says he wants to work at the relationship, is to close all escape hatches, in every way, (mentally, physically, emotionally), and "act as if" until the feeling comes back.
Marriage Fitness with Mort Fertel (you can find him online) is a very good program to help with this.
Also some individual therapy around any of the issues above may be helpful for your husband as well.
He has a lot too loose and of course you and your kids do as well if he can't find his way through this.
Don't be afraid to be firm in your expectations/demands of him regarding working through this situation.
If you are the type of person who has difficulty with confrontation and assertiveness do what ever it takes to change because you may need to be very firm with him regarding your insistence that he work through his issues. I see in what you have written above that you do fight with him sometimes, good for you. Your healthy marriage is worth fighting for.
Be Strong.
Sincerely,
Mark Manley
Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience: Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
Verified
Mark Manley and 87 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Ask Mark Manley Your Own Question
Mark Manley
Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
402 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.

Mark Manley is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much

Corrie MollPretoria, South Africa

I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well!

ClaudiaAlbuquerque, NM

Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion.

KevinBeaverton, OR

Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
I feel better already! Thank you.

ElanorTracy, CA

Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem.

JulieLockesburg, AR

You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions.

John and StefanieTucson, AZ

I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!!

Janet VPhoenix, AZ

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

Dr. Keane

Dr. Keane

Therapist

1,379 satisfied customers

Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.

TherapistMarryAnn

TherapistMarryAnn

Therapist

4,021 satisfied customers

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.

Dr. Olsen

Dr. Olsen

Psychologist

2,336 satisfied customers

PsyD Psychologist

Norman M.

Norman M.

Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA

2,246 satisfied customers

ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.

Dr. Michael

Dr. Michael

Psychologist

2,177 satisfied customers

Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.

Steven Olsen

Steven Olsen

Therapist

1,728 satisfied customers

More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education

Anna

Anna

Mental Health Professional

1,656 satisfied customers

Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.

< Previous | Next >

Related Mental Health Questions
I'm depressed just finished my divorce yesterday feel so sad
Hello, I'm depressed just finished my divorce yesterday feel so sad how to get over it faster no energy my eyes tell on me. My X is who wanted it he has abusive and acts like the victim and blames me … read more
Linda D.
Linda D.
Master\u0027s Degree
794 satisfied customers
My ex did gay porn but swears he's not gay.. he's so back
My ex did gay porn but swears he's not gay.. he's so back and forth with me.. he was addicted to oxy I love him but he's so closed off… read more
Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik
PSYCHIATRIST ( MD Psychiatry)
Doctoral Degree
204 satisfied customers
Im struggling alot about handling. Strws. Sad and i dont
Ever since i was little i always struggled with waking up sad and then bursting into tears for no reason… read more
Linda D.
Linda D.
Master\u0027s Degree
794 satisfied customers
I keep thinking about what I did when I was younger, when I
I keep thinking about what I did when I was younger, when I was about 6 I remeber like kissing almost making out with my two sisters, they were 5 and 4 then later when I was about 14-15 I developed la… read more
Linda D.
Linda D.
Master\u0027s Degree
794 satisfied customers
I am having terrible guilt and shame about things I did in
I am having terrible guilt and shame about things I did in my past which have suddenly come to my consciousness - when I was about 16 I was extremely sexual and ended up sniffing knickers on a number … read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
768 satisfied customers
I feel this feeling of guilt and sadness and I'm not sure
I feel this feeling of guilt and sadness and I'm not sure why Would you happen to have an explanation for that … read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
768 satisfied customers
I feel sad so much I need help dealing with how I feel
I feel sad so much I need help dealing with how I feel because it's affecting with my relationship with my boyfriend and my happiness in general… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
Leah,I had a question I did get to mention yesterday..the
Hi Leah,I had a question I did get to mention yesterday..the thread was getting a bit to long anyway lol… read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
768 satisfied customers
Second opinion] OKMH98-130 I've been very sad and in a bad
second opinion] OKMH98-130 I've been very sad and in a bad state of mind ever since my mother figure passed away last year. I suffer from insomnia ever since. Loss of interest in daily activities. I p… read more
Juliet Cooper
Juliet Cooper
Doctorate of Psychology
29 satisfied customers
OKMH98-130 I've been very sad and in a bad state of mind
OKMH98-130 I've been very sad and in a bad state of mind ever since my mother figure passed away last year. I suffer from insomnia ever since. I've been sad often. I noticed my mood is better when I'm… read more
Linda D.
Linda D.
Master\u0027s Degree
794 satisfied customers
I did ask a male professional earlier about my problem, but
I did ask a male professional earlier about my problem, but it would be great to get a female psychologists view also. My husband and I have not had sex in 6 years. He had a mild stroke 5 years ago, b… read more
Linda D.
Linda D.
Master\u0027s Degree
794 satisfied customers
I am 54 and sad and lonely, just like the lady I am reading
I am 54 and sad and lonely, just like the lady I am reading about right now. … read more
Linda D.
Linda D.
Master\u0027s Degree
794 satisfied customers
Its kind of imbarrising.. I did realize I could chat to some
its kind of imbarrising.. I did realize I could chat to some one on here … read more
Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie
Masters, Professional Psychology
5 satisfied customers
I am so sad and exhausted. My baby brother dies April 2015,
I am so sad and exhausted. My baby brother dies April 2015, 18 months later i list my Mom. I had been her caterer … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
My doctor switched me from sertraline to viibryd. I did one
My doctor switched me from sertraline to viibryd. I did one week of 10 mg, then 2 weeks of 20 mg, now back to 10mg so I can switch back to sertraline. I don't like viibryd. How can I safely switch bac… read more
Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik
PSYCHIATRIST ( MD Psychiatry)
Doctoral Degree
204 satisfied customers
Dear Dr. Keane, just a quick message to say that I did not
Dear Dr. Keane, just a quick message to say that I did not get that job, enough time has passed by to now know this. I've plenty to say, but not plenty of time this week as my gran is now visiting, so… read more
Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane
Therapist
Doctoral Degree
1,379 satisfied customers
Why some people get angry if other people point out they did
Why some people get angry if other people point out they did wrong things? I would think when people know they did wrong things they should feel sorry and try to correct. Thanks.… read more
llw26
llw26
Private Practice
Doctoral Degree
11 satisfied customers
For the past three years, I felt sad, I thought it was just
For the past three years, I felt sad, I thought it was just temporary, but I feel like I get worse at every waking moment, there shouldn't be a valid reason for me to feel this way, but just last year… read more
Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik
PSYCHIATRIST ( MD Psychiatry)
Doctoral Degree
204 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x