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Kristin, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 454
Experience:  Licensed Mental Health Counselor. 11+ years specialist in mental health. Expertise and insight!
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2 years ago my husband said he wasnt happy & left for 8

Customer Question

2 years ago my husband said he wasnt happy & left for 8 mos,we had our ups and downs in the marriage, I was a control freak and he gave into me all the time, he came back and we tried to work on things and 6 mos in, he started saying he was unhappy, I threw him out of the house, he begged me for 8 mos to give him another chance that he was just trying to put his feelings out there. Now he has a girlfriend and I am beside myself, I am doubting my decision and am wondering if Im having these feelings because our relationship is finally over or if I still love him?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kristin replied 6 years ago.

Hello and thank you for your question.

How long have you been married? Are you two separated now or divorced, or simply living apart? What were the issues in the marriage that caused the ups and downs?

Do you still talk with him now?

Customer: replied 6 years ago.

We have been married 7 years, we are seperated, we still share/split a marital house but I am staying at my parents and he is at the house, to keep things normal for our son. We talk daily and see each other for the most part daily if only for a few minutes.

I was a control freak, always had to have things my way, I always told him, my way or the highway and he choose the highway. Ive learned and realized a lot of things that werent right. We barely had time for each other, I work days, he works 3-11 and we really only had us time on the weekends of which I felt I had to fight for because he always wanted a weekend away with his friends. I didnt feel connected and he felt he was losing himself and who he was.

Now enter the fact that he has a girlfriend and is in a relationship and while Im doing my own thing but not in a relationship, Im still feeling hurt and angry and confused, especially by these feelings because I thought I had worked through them.

Expert:  Kristin replied 6 years ago.

Thank you for the additional information. It's normal to feel mixed feelings about the fact that he now has a girlfriend. Especially when you two are newly separated and though it's been a bumpy ride, it's still a huge decision to split, you have a son together, etc.

It does sound like you have realized many issues that were causing tension for you two, and that you also were disconnected. It's also very possible that if he didn't have a girlfriend right now you would be feeling more at peace with the split, but this creates a new dynamic for you, where you may be feeling hurt, angry and maybe even some jealousy...this is all normal. And these feelings don't indicate however, that you want to be back with him, though it's possible that if you two resolved some of these previous issues things could be better.

That is the key.

Things will not be better in the marriage, unless you both really address what is missing or what was wrong and change those things. It's hard work and often doesn't work out... and sometimes does of course.

For now, it would be wise to continue focusing on yourself, being social, seeing friends etc. and also focusing on creating stability for your son and lots of attention and reassurance towards your son as well. Dating can always come later when things are finalized and everyone is stable and grounded.

Try to focus on positive things and dont dwell on the fact that he has a girlfriend already. Most of these quick relationships while separated tend to be about rebounding or about dependence and quickly fizzle out... he would be better served to work on himself, and get clear before jumping into another relationship. But that is something that you can do for yourself, and will be better off in the longterm for both you and your son.

You may want to consider some counseling right now just to get support during this transitional time. If you would like to provide your zip code I will send you some therapists in your area. Please click ACCEPT button for this answer and feel free to continue discussion even after clicking accept. Thank you and best wishes.

Kristin and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
My zip code is 21222 and I work in 21236.